Happy Holidays!

As this wonderful year ends and brings cheer to the next
Realize that love is always near and that you are blessed

Love those that need a little more love than others
Appreciate those in your life and love your brothers

Try to shine on what you love about your life
Because comparing yourself to others will only lead to strife

When you live in highest in your mind and actions
Someone's else life should not be your distraction

Be happy and surround yourself with those who can love you in truth
Many blessings to all and Happy New Year to you!

The Holidays

If you have been alive these past few months, you will have experienced some kind of change in your life.

For me, its been a wonderful and exciting change.

Stay tuned!!

X-boyfriend Again?

I have this tendency to keep in touch with x's. I can say it's not like it used to be, a few I had to let go. But those who have a true interest in what I am trying to accomplish, I keep near and dear, when I rise, they will rise. I am a friend til' the end. But other's they tickle me, so I send my blessings and hope our paths do not cross...LOL And now that I put that out there our paths will definitely cross. Anyway, there was this one boyfriend that I had whom heart I broke. Not an intentional thing, but a circumstantial thing. We ultimately departed with respect and as pseudo friends.

Fast forward, five years later, a few pool games and dry phone conversation and he tell's me he got married. I was very happy to hear that, but what followed left me confused and wondering why he got married. He went on to say that he and his wife has purchased a house, and I guess happy, except when he said, "It should have been you". Wow! My response was simple, "You are exactly with and where you need to be". That's how life works, and it makes no mistakes. But what's with the it should have been you deal. Man, aren't you happy? Why live in that part of the past? I guess he wanted to shock me about his marraige or throw it in my face in some back handed way. But why would I be jealous? I love it when people get together and make happy. Like I said before, I fall in love everyday. I am so far from being a hater, I would never wish or think anything against a blessed marriage. But dude, It should have been me? Your wife would be pissed!!!!

Anyway, there is particular boyfriend who baggered me for many years about being a friend, and then all of a sudden there was no friendship. Can there really be one? Maybe all these years he was just trying to get the panties, and when he did, I was sick with regret and he was I don't know, there was nothing to go back for, really. He's a good guy, with a good heart, and plus I can be a beast with matter's of the heart, so who know's, many blessings to him too. This ride is not for the faint of heart.

X-boyfriend Again?

Shut the F*ck Up!

Moving On

It seems like a century since I have written on my blog. For those of you who read it, I sincerely apologize. I have been dealing with some issues in my life that I have been trying to let go. Sometimes when you are still in the midst of the fire, it's hard to not get burned. You have to get out of the fire in order to forgive it for the burn.

I am surrounded by people who want the best for me, but still is glad that I am where I am. I believe that I am successful already. I carry myself in the most positive energy possible, but yet people still tend to hate. What's that all about? Humans are funny people, well, at least some of them are. They love and hate you at the same time. They appreciate you, but still want you to change and be more like them. They want to control you, and get mad when they can't. I am so happy that I am in a place where each day I choose to do something for me, and I can without feeling guilty about it. I could care less what people think, as a matter of fact, I don't. My kind heart has been used enough. The day that someone does something for me out of the kindness of their heart, the earth will probably open and white doves will fall from the sky, that person to me would indeed be an angel.

I live my life in somewhat of an unorthodox way. I don't do things to what some may seem like the "normal" way. I make my own decisions, I do not get permission from anyone and the less you need from me, the better. I guess you may think what makes me this way. Well, there is an answer. It comes from being that person that would do anything for anyone who needed help, advice or a favour. I am still that person, I just know that not everyone deserves to be assisted all the time. I am so cool on that. If I feel like it, then I will...LOL. I am laughing at myself now because there was a time when I would do something even if I did not feel like, it's such an empowering place to be.

The earth has moved, the universe has made an adjustment. We now have our 1st Black President. I am getting in on this positive energy that has began. And it has begun during one of the most stifling economic crisis ever, watch how we succeed. Not as one, but as a whole and many. No one can do anything alone, so I thank you for reading my blog and providing me with comments. I am by no means a perfect person, or claim to know everything, but I do know what I know and do what I do. Life is good, just where I am.

Peace & Blessings

Election Day!!!

Hey Election Day is coming Nov.4th. Please VOTE!

Vote for change
Vote for life
Vote for equality
Vote for what you believe in

The time is now.


Peace

And I am baacckk!

It's been a full week since I have written anything in my blog that is completely unacceptable!

I have been under the weather, trying to get my life organized and some of the things that I love had to give for the moment. I love writing and it's one of my greatest escapes, but this past week,just had me beat! There were no date's, no dinner's, no phone conversations, just me taking time to reevaluate my goals and congratulate myself on my accomplishments. Then with the hot and cold flux of this California weather, I got sick. Major sinus problems and it sucks!

Dry skin,chapped lips and all that nastiness that happens to the body when the weather is changing, but I am happy to say I am getting much better just in time for the weekend! I have a few things that are taking place, tell you about them on Monday.

Other than that while in bed here are few things that I pondered: I miss my daughter's father, it's hard accepting that a best friend is gone, so I have my moments when I wish I could call him and tell him the latest, get unsolicited advice and curse him out for tellin' me the truth. If you love someone tell them, show them, and give them all you got. It's a special and wonderful gift that keeps on giving.

Obama will be our new President of the U.S. I think McCain is suffering from something, he does not look healthy. I believe there will be more historical events to come during this election.


My daughter is growing more beautiful everyday, very thankful to have her.

I have learned that it is ok to not be the "loyal friend" sometimes you have to just let some people go. Not everyone deserves that type of friendship.

"Just because you are happy just where you are in life does not mean that everyone will be happy for you".

And yes it is still true, "Misery loves company".

Cosmo Wednesday......

On Cosmo Wednesday's me and some of my girlfriends get together and have drinks at the local spot down the street. We love it so much because the drinks are only $3.00 and the bartendar absolutely hooks it up! You can spend $9.00 bucks on three drinks and be good and toasted. Now that is coming from a light weight drinker, if you are an alkie, then you may need 5 or 6, and that would also mean that you need to soon visit AA....hint...hint.

The lovely thing about Cosmo Wednesday's is that when we get together we are able to talk about all of the latest that is going on in our lives. Of course I amjust there to give advice, becuase I really hardly ever share the real personal stuff that is close toheart, that stuff is between me and God. So I have become an advid listener. Sometimes you can find out the real deal that surrounds the worlds that are bring said. There are other people who just like to talk, and talk and talk. I listen to them as well because they just like to talk, so I give them the stage. It's all quite enjoyable to me.

Sometimes I may share a ferw items about the men in my life, but lately I have been on a date and for good reason. Eveyone is starting to suck to me, and since my time is very precious, valuable and all that good stuff, I do not waste it. I have truly been spending time with myself and reading other author's work. I have not been writing as much as I would like, but soon that situation will change. If you are a writer you know that there is a certain level of clarity that has to take place in the air before you can truly give what is in your soul, so I am on a small hiatus from writing my book. A real small one.

Ok, so next Wednesday I am inviting a guy from work. A very young scientist, who is kind of hip and intelligent. It will be the first for the girls, but I am sure they won't mind...lol. Soon I will tell you why.:)

1st Friday's.....hhhhmmmmmm

I decided to attend the latest 1st Friday's event. I have not been to a 1st Friday's in over 7 years. I thought that I would attend this one because I like The W hotel. I also thought this would be a good time to find out if there have been any changes to the type of crowd this event may attract.

The last time I went to that type of event was at some park in Oakland,and I was not impressed. I swore it off and have not returned until now. I must say that the ambiance was very nice. There were a few professional looking men and women. I saw too many of the men I usually see when I go out which is not very often,but these 3 or 4 men are always at events. I am wondering are they there to see each other. There were a few men there also who looked as if they were dressed up for the men, considering all the women who were on the dance floor alone. By the end of the night,and I suppose after a few drinks the crowd was more relaxed and their were a lot more dancing. That is one thing I do not understand is when there are women at events the dudes will sit and just watch, sitting in corners chatting with each other,like girls. The scene is quite disappointing to watch.

Despite all the usual nonsense that goes along when insecure men that go out and attracting the most needy girl like a sport, and all that jazz, it was the sexy Latino man that came to me. Now I am not one to date outside my race and nor am I to the point that I would ever consider doing so, for I have an abundance of what I like, this man was something nice to look at. And out of all the men that passed me up that night, the attention was all on us when he asked me to dance, and danced we did. I can fall in love with a good dancer, because I love to dance so much. We lit up the floor for what seemed like hours.

I am not one of those sister's who see a black man with a White, Latino, Asian woman and make judgements, hey I say to each is own. I am usually not attracted to them, but hey, they are free to choose whatever, it does not move me either way, however, I did notice the looks I was given for dancing, flirting, then having a drink with this particular man. Not only from the brother's but the Latina women as well. It was quite interesting and fun to watch how people were summing up the relationship, while watching intently. I am a beautiful black woman no doubt about that and I guess the threat would be that I have this beautiful Latin man in my bed, then between my legs and on my list of to do's. Can you imagine? The sex would probably be insane, combustible and even x-rated! Yes,I tend to go there sometimes. But for tonite we would have it out on the dance floor. He stole a few cheek kisses,and complimented me in a very nice and unforgettable way. I enjoyed myself. We exchanged phone numbers and called it a night.

The night came to an end and I had gotten a great workout on the dance floor. I was still feelin' my drink when we left the joint. We, as in me and my friend I came with....lol. I probably will be going to the next 1st Fridays, because it is the 20 year anniversary. I am glad to say that the crowd was more enjoyable the social aspect of the night was pretty cool. And besides, I came to have a good time and check the scene and that is what happened. I do not go out often, but when I do I plan to have a good time, so no matter if the music sucked or the drinks were bad, I would have had a good time. I am looking forward to the next event and wearing my little black dress.

To Do List:

DO EVERYTHING ONCE AND IF I LIKE IT DO IT AGAIN!!!

Attraction..........hmmmmm

I had the privilege of hanging with one of my dear friends who I do not get to see very often, so when we get together we have drinks,shoot some pool and talk about he latest that is going on in our lives.

One of the things that we talked about is how men are oblivious when women like them, I begged to differ, but then again, I use to like him, and I guess he didn't know, which is why we probably ended up as friends as oppose to lovers. We also talked about attraction, what is it? Webster says, 1.the act, process or power of attracting 2. Personal charm and 3.(which is my personal favorite) a force acting mutually between particles of matter, tending to draw them together,and resisting their separation. Sounds sexually though it never mentions it. 4. Something that attracts or is intended to attract while appealing a person's desires or tastes.

The attraction between a man and woman can vary in definition and in taste. It an be complicated or simple. It can be sexual or just a mutual admiration. He said there are some people who he's attracted to who he will never have sex with. I say there are some who I may be attracted to only sexually. He says, he can sleep with a woman who he is not attracted to. I say, why? Where is the appeal? I say I have to be attracted to you in some way to go there. There lies the difference between men and women. I believe it's up to the individual and what their idea of attraction is. The man and woman relationship is complicated enough, acknowledging the differences and communicating about them is the best solution.

What is attraction to you?

I am too good, but it's true! Read what I am about....

You are a loyal and devoted person who is not afraid to be held accountable for a responsibility such as commitment.

You're comfortable with commitment without being too much of a stickler about it. You feel that the majority of life is just meant to be taken seriously, and you're the kind of person who can do it. You enjoy your responsibilities and handle them easily. The security that comes with commitment is appealing to you. You don't see the lighter, carefree side of life as conflicting with commitment, which is probably why you don't shy away from saying yes when the occasion calls for it. But just be careful you're not taking life too seriously. Trust your heart, and listen to your gut when a relationship feels too constricting or just right. Take time to be free and spontaneous, and don't fall into a mental or physical rut. We need variety and a bit of spice - that's part of what makes us human! Be sure to come to terms with and love yourself before attempting a commitment with anyone else - otherwise, all your good intentions may backfire. But when it feels right, you trust yourself to commit.

RateMyLife.net

RateMyLife.net -

Raiders...."Can't Win Baby"

Unbelievable!!

I am starting to think that this young Raider's team have more than just the opponent to worry about, it is their own Defensive Coordinator, and bad plays too. It must be very difficult to try and win when there is no one to support you, it's almost like working to defeat yourself, which is what happened on Sunday morning.

Since when did getting in the red zone three times never warrant a try for a touchdown? You can not expect to win with field goals against a real team who wants to win. Am I the only one that noticed that?

The Raider franchise has had numerous problems stemming from the owner and the city of Oakland, but when does this petty bickering end. Who care's who has the bigger dick, we want a winning team! We have had some of the best player's come to this organization and turn around and leave. We have a tendency to choose young coaches because we do not want anyone with the sense and the power to notice and make the changes that need to be made in this organization. We have become too complacent in our losing situation. Where is the Raider drive to "Just win baby".

I do not want to say it is a lost cause, but I do believe we have a great team and can do anything that we want to, there is just one requirement, the whole team has to want to win.


L

Fever in the Winter pg. 5

I guess it all began with my mother's marraige's. Her first marriage was the equivalent to being in boot camp while being on drug's. So for her second marraige some how had to redeem herself by marrying a Preacher, Bishop, Deacon whatever you want to call those people that claim to be higher than most with they are ordained in the church. They tend to have the highest expectations and yet fall the farthest from grace. Kind of like Priest in the Catholic Church.

My mother's previous marraige was filled with domestic abuse, sexual abuse,alcohol abuse and any other kind of abuse that a person can experience in a relationship; about 8 years of it. As a child growing up in that kind of atmosphere along with never getting a mother's love or father's love makes you develop a certain kind of mechanism for dealing with certain situations. You tend to shy away from conflict, become over accomodating, resentful and have the lowest form of self-esteem. The deprogramming of that program takes many years. There was a time that I wanted to committ suicide, I really was not going to do it, it was an attempt to get my mother's attention,instead she sent my step-father to deal with the situation. Someone whom I did not like or care for. I will tell you why later. In order to get my mother's attention you either had to be almost dead or be one of her other children. The children that she had while married, I call them the official kids. My father was said to be one person and turned out to be another person, the lie was so complicated that by the time I was an adult, it really didn't matter.

My mother was very big on perceptions. She wanted everyone down home to think that she had done well by marrying a preacher. She was no longer with the alcoholic abuser, that life had embarrassed her so much. Now she was with a bonafide man of the church. I guess that looked good on paper. I never liked this man from the begining. There was something about his eyes,then there was something about his heart, then it was something weird about his family, they all seem to carry this strange aura around them. Mind you, this is my perspective as a 12 year old child. There is truth that comes from a child that only a child knows how to speak, but who do I tell it to? I was afraid. I had been through this before. To put it bluntly, he was an asshole and would probably die an asshole, except on Sundays, he was a Preacher on that day.

Hail the Haters!

I love it when people don't like me. Hater's have become the new age motivators, the more the better. They have been around for years, but I hear their numbers are growing.

I enjoy the art of doing things my way. I enjoy livng outside the box and not being confined to one way of thinking, living or acting. I love my adaptability, you can place me anywhere and I can fit in, without losing who I am. Hater's hate that. Hater's try to control you, and swear they know what's best for you. Most of the time they do not even know what's best for themselves,which is one of the reasons they are so involved in your life.

Some people try to define your life by how they live their's, those people are just unhappy camper's a.k.a, Haters. Sorry for them they have not found the true meaning of life. To me it's really not in a job, it's how not much money you make, or who you know or even your credentials. Ultimate living is doing what you love every single day and doing it your way. I can not express how important it is to practice free will, serve other's and give, with no intention of getting anything back.

I feel for those people who have not quite found that in their life. Life is such a gift, why live it any other way?

When you have a hater(s)in your life, do what I do, don't even comment on the fact that they sound like a hater, don't even bring it to their attention, just give that blank stare like damn you're a hater. They will keep on talking, but you just listen to just how far this hater will go. They will never give you credit for anything, not that you need it from a hater anyway, but it's because they know every damn thing. Keep listening and you will find that they don't know shit! For me,that's where the entertainment starts. I usually just start saying off the wall shit,just to see how they respond. Next time just do something like ask for advice, they love to give advice....lol

Ok, enough about the hater's, I am tired. You gotta love them though. For a person who has a great sense of self, they do wonders for motivation, so I guess you can say they serve their purpose.

So..to the hater's in my life, I love you, you are part of the reason for my success!


Smooches

The Hook-Up!

There is nothing more funny and entertaining than when my married girlfriends try to hook me up. Every guy that I meet they get so excited about him,hoping that he is "the one" and hoping that I will settle into that life of matrimony that sometimes I just tell them to date him. It's quite annoying. Considering that I am more into making "friends" than making husbands, sometimes it's just a lost cause.

Even though I love my girls and they do have good intentions, they do not have any idea as to what I like in a man. I could just tell them, but then only I can get it right. They look at shit that they used to choose their husbands and since half of them are not happy and just going through "the married with children motions", I prefer to make my own choices. Maybe I should share with them again that I am not looking. Or that I am enjoying dating and seeing who I want to see, when I want to see them. There are no expectations, rules to live by and all the other shit that goes into seeing someone on the daily. I prefer just being able to source out a contender for the evening or the weekend and seeing him off with enough love to conquer the world. When you are a beautiful woman, you have choices, when you are beautiful woman with a brain and good "jazzy" you have choices with tons of benefits. I enjoy those benefits. I take full advantage of the fact that men are visual creatures,they want what looks good, and yes, I look delicious. This means I can wear jeans, t-shirt and a baseball cap and still get plenty of action. I never reveal too much of myself, I save all that for the bedroom. Plus, I have a great attitude about life. You will not hear a whole bunch of nagging wifey type shit from me. I have my days and there is someone I might gripe to on occasion, but those days are rare and few in between, I enjoy life.

So, here I am. There were a few options for tonite, but I refused. I wanted to write and relax. There is a new guy, not the most attractive, may be a little needy, we will see. I like them self sufficient and confident, if you need a mother, date her, I am not the one.

To my dear friends who want to see me coupled up, my mother who wants me to get married and have a few babies, to those men who swear that I need them to feel complete, welcome to my world. In my world I rule it, I ask the universe for what I need and move accordingly. I sway to the beat of my own drum and regret nothing. I am thankful for the sun the moon and the star's. The rain that falls and the rainbow that follows. Whatever comes my way, I embrace with the softness of a hug, never rejecting the lessons of life, for my journey is incomplete.

What tried to break me in pieces made me more complete. A bonafide and gracious woman.....can you compete??

House of Seeeoowwlll! & Sana F!

People I finally broke down and went to a radio sponsored event. I tend to stay away from that type of atmosphere because it tends to be a little on the young side. And since I have been grown and sexy for quite sometime now, I just stick with what I know. I had to show support for the Oscar winner Jennifer Hudson and new comer Jasmine Sullivan,and of course the bay area favorite Raphael Saadiq. There was also some young girl performing and I still do not know who she is, nor did I understand what she was singin about.

The night was going really well. Even though staying in line in the cold was not the business and it took forever for it to get started, I waited patiently, because again, it was a radio sponsored event. The ole' school music that was played during the intermission was what kept me anticipating the next act. The DJ was great! My girls and I partied like rock stars right there in the audience. Then the hosts of the radio station came out. Since I had never really seen any of the radio acts, except Chuy. Chuy was nice, Big Von looked like the average dude that I would probably choose on occasion. However, when Sana G now F to me,came out, I was dumb founded! This is a chick that talks about everybody from here to Jamaica and she looked like a fuckin' power ranger. She was dressed in a damn parachute dress and a T-shirt from the 80's. Her hair looked greasy,and her make-up was just that made up. Let me tell you, if drinking has you making bad decisions, rehab is calling. Ms. Kimmie was so ridiculous that I do not have the words to describe. These are two brods that do have a pebble to stand on. When does being a radio personality give you the right to look a damn mess? Those chickens have flown one coop too many.

Anyway......

As the night went on, there was the guy that looked like T-Pain on that "good" crack in the audience throwing dollar bills all over the place. That was pretty sad, what was even more sad was the young girls picking the dollars up, please save our children.

That was my first and last House of Soul, overall it was a nice experience, without all the atrocious visuals among the crowd and on stage,it was a night that I will soon forget.

Perplexed

I believe there is nothing that happens by accident. Every action in life that comes into play is what is suppose to happen. Sometimes we try to control our lives and the people in it. We try to plan our life according to how we think things should go. I now understand that we can plan, but we should only hope that things turn out the way we want to.

The wonderful thing about life is that we do not have control, there is always another entity working to remind us that we have no control. When we plan to marry and do not. When we plan to move and can not. When we plan for that big promotion and never get it. When we want that woman or that man, but never seem to be able to get things right. When we work hard and it seems you never can get to where you are going. It is not by accident that you don't receive those things, it is how things are suppose to be. That is the challenge of life. Being successful while everything you have tried has failed, takes strength, perseverance, belief in yourself and an attitude adjustment. It is your opportunity to stand back take a look and readjust your thinking move about things in a different way. It is not for you to give up, but keep at it. Never become a victim of circumstances. You can even try to adjust your intentions for wanting those things in the fist place. Maybe it is just not for you,and the universe is again saving you from yourself.

My journey is still in progress, but I see where I want to be everyday. I come from the land of negativity. Where the people around me see no good in life. They are filled with complaints, self-hatred and the destruction of anything positive. Money rules their life and provides to them a false sense of accomplishment, but beneath it all is misery. It took me a long time to not become a part of what I was compelled to grow up in. Sometimes we can fault our parents for having horrible childhoods to the point where when we become adults we spend our life trying to really find out who we are. Can you really know when you do not know where you come from? Some of us survive and fulfill our destiny's and other's do not. They fall prey to the destructions of the world. The fruit of life that looks sweet, until we take a bite and that bite is filled with despair, the unloved, hurt, pain and numerous other nameless atrocities of the world,but we swallow it anyway. We know no other way. Only the strong survive; and I do not mean the physically strong. So as I look at my life, yes I can say that I have had some disappointments,some setbacks, and sometimes not even a encouraging word heard, but I keep going, I won't ever stop until I am there. Until I save, change, and give hope to not only my life but a life that's less fortunate. My work won't ever be done. World peace, unity and love until the break of dawn.


Jolie Labelle

Raiders? WTF!!!

I am so glad that I can find refuge in my fantasy team. I do not understand what is happening here... You mean this is what we are going to be looking like for the season?

Defense, can you please make a tackle. Offense can you please catch a ball! WTF!!!My brother's high school team could have done better than that. I hope that is not a reflection of what the year will be looking like. It was waaaay too cold to be out there looking like rookies. Oh wait, they are rookie's......lol

Wow!!!! Three Kisses for Britney?

There is so much to talk about. I know I said that I would write all weekend,but my social life prevailed and I had to attend some events. I did get a chance to get home to watch Rihanna rock the crowd and Britney Spears receive her three ass kisses from MTV. Kanye is apparently still hurt from his breakup with whatever his fiance's name was. I mean damn, I am confused, I was digging the song, but what genre of music was that?

I attended a nice little gathering with my friends of the Ugandan community. It is amazing how these people stick together in a country that is not their own. They have come to embrace the culture and make a hell of a living. There was one that had just became a citizen of the US, a few in exile from their country and other's are just here doing what they have to do to get other family members to this country. Since the African and the African-American relationship sometimes experience some strains, I was very happy to be accepted into their community. I am not sure why the relationship is the way it is,but I do know that one of the reason's I am accepted is because I have taken the time to learn, respect and accept our differences. They call me Princess,and rightly so.

I also took the time to see my ole' faithful whom I have been avoiding because of his change and me not being sure which way to go with this. We talked, and he shared things with me that throughout our four years I never knew. We have always been able to talk,but just about things on the surface,nothing too deep. It was a nice conversation and sort of changed the way I look at him. He is a nice piece of eye candy, I mean he had to be for me to be hangin' this long, but I have come to find out he also has a brain and a heart. It makes me think of the other men I see, what will I do? I am not ready to be in a relationship, can't we leave things the way they are? I must admit in the beginning I did catch some feelings for him,but that reality check brought me back to life and made me realize what this was. So I am asking again, can a sexual relationship turn into something fruitful and loving? It's been this way for 4 years! It will probably take an average of four months to completely get rid of him (and wasn't I trying to do that like a month ago?), but even longer to change this relationship into something more than just sex.......hhhhmmmmmmmmm. I am thinking.


RAIDERSS!!!!!!!!

In the meantime, You know my 3rd string called the one I saw with the chick, and he gets no play,not because he was with a chick,who cares, but because of the kind of women he deals with. I was a real treat......so he's needs to just stay in his lane. I knew he was a little on the tacky side when he asked me to take a picture of my "jazzy" and send it to him, who does that? Oh I know, the women he deals with. As a matter of fact, he ain't even 3rd string anymore, he's off the list.

RAIDERS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Ok back to the MTV awards.... Lil'Wayne was omni-present and I ain't mad! Britney did not even perform. Perform what? I did not even know she had an album out and her video where is it in rotation, you tube? Rihanna rules. She rock's, I love her style, and Chris Brown better be puttin it down, because I know a few who would love to cradle that!

I am off.....Raider game tonight!

Rejection = more Affection

Ok the Labor Day weekend was fabulous. I must say that the weather in Northern Cali was very hot and that's the way that I like it! And of course a whole lot of other people liked it as well, so it brought out the best and worst of some of us.

There are those that just do not know how to dress appropriately during the hot weather. There are limits,if you are size 14 you should not be wearing a size 8, simple stuff like that. If you have cottage cheese legs, why show them? If you are looking 8 months pregnant why wear anything tight? Tightened up your gut before you try displaying that larger than life love handle, men included.

Anyway, had to get that off my chest. I avoided all my little boyfriends this weekend, wanted to get a new view on life. I wanted to enjoy the weekend without the added task of entertaining. So my phone rang and I did not answer or did not show to an invite and wow, Monday my phone was ringing off the hook. All the messages had a common theme "Where were you?? "What'sup with you? and so on. Ok, this is where as a woman I have exercised my right not to see anyone,and of course the male ego goes into overdrive. I ignore and they want more. So instead of just disappearing for the weekend,I continued it for the whole week. The where are you's, turned into I miss you's and let's get together. I even saw one of my "friends"out with another chick. That was funny. I said hello, and he looked like he saw Jesus. I was tickled for two reasons: One, the chick he was with looked like the typical I am from the hood, I know my weave looks like a hat, but Chili's is a fancy restaurant.
Reason # two, he was my third string, his avoidance started before the Labor Day weekend and he was already out of his lane trying to upgrade to a woman like me. I am proud of him though for going on a date instead of waiting on me. If you can't get what you want, settle for what you can get.

For some reason my ole' faithful is taking it the hardest, he has been putting in the most effort to contact me. I can not even respond, just don't want him right now. I may have to kick this other dude off my list, he acts a little too bitchy for me, ( I will tell you that story later)and as you know there can be only one bitch in this relationship and that's my dog Coco.

So maybe next week I will entertain someone,it will be well worth the wait for them, and I will be well rested. I am writing the whole weekend,so stay tuned!

Nice Move McCain......But At What Cost?

McCain pulled a very nice surprise, I mean what else could you do when the Democratic Convention went over so well? It moved people, made people believe that there will be change, yes, you and to pull a stunner, but I am sure he and the Republican party are more surprised than most.

I gotta ask,did you really do that on purpose? You mean to tell me you meant to pull some miscellaneous woman from Alaska of all places, who is not only still having babies herself, but is about to become a 44 year old grandmother to an unwed teenage daughter's child. Wow, that sounds real Republican. Are you sure you are not from East Oakland or East LA, where this kind of behavior is looked down upon and judged harshly. Now it's ok, because we want her to be our VP? I think not!

For the shock value this was a very shocking move, and now lets get down to the real deal. Who's fucking idea was this? I am sure after Ms. Palin speaks tonight they will be fired! If I can judge this situation correctly and I am not by any means a political analyst, but tonight her speech will be surrounding how she has rose to her position while raising her children and supporting her husband. The fact that her daughter is a pregnant teen is just an example that she is not a "perfect" mother and that they are pro-choice and taking responsibility for the matter, by marrying. Yeah..ok. She will probably go on to say how she has made stride in getting to where she is today, and had to push and fight for her position..blah, blah,blah. It will all sounds good, but lady you are from Alaska, are you kiddin' me? She may go on and ditto the issues that McCain supports to take away all the attention off the fact that she is has less experience than my 14 year old brother. I do not quite understand why criticise someone for lack of experience and then turn around and choose a person with less experience for a running mate. He is already talking backwards, and displaying signs of Alzheimer's. So I guess what's not good for my house is better for yours?

Tonight will tell the tale, and I will be watching, and if nothing else it will go down in history as the biggest embarrassment in Republican party history.

Oops............I did it again!

Yes, I fell prey to that one that gives it to me in the most wild way. I think if it were not for my love of being explored sexually,then he would have been gone. Now it's about comfort, he knows my body without having a clue about my mind. So I pretend that he has the upper hand, when in reality I am running this. Always have and always will. There is one thing you have to understand about being a true and complete woman. When you know who you are and understand the power you have as a woman, you can sit back and watch as the picture unfolds; watch your creation come to life. Watch how he takes the lead,watch how he thinks he has the control, while you knowingly gave him that position in the first place. That's how you separate the strong from the weak, the big boys for the little ones. And when you are single and living your life to the fullest like me, it's quite a joy to watch.

Ok, back to him....

He fulfills that small void of intimacy since I am not in a committed relationship. I am beginning to feel that since he has had a change of heart that I should stop this little "thang", I have going on. We no longer have the same intentions. He probably thinks,like most men do when they make you cum,that they are the only one that can actually do that. No one can do it the way that they do, so they like to think. And yes, I acknowledge those that are right, but there are a lot of them that are simply wrong, wrong, wrong. Since I am more than what they can penetrate me with, I enjoy it for what it is, no more, no less. Since I am on the brink of letting that man go, I must say I have enjoyed what he has given me last few years. Iam not saying that I am ready to be in a committed relationship, or that I may not have a relapse or two, I am saying that all things come to an end. I am moving on and welcoming someone who can give it to me on all levels.

I have shared this with my lover in so many ways, and he had the nerves to say that he felt used. I was completely shocked, as if he provided a service that he too did not benefit from. I knew where the disconnect happened when he wanted more, but in a different way. He is not ready for the real truth of the matter, it would probably cause his brain to combust and I cannot be responsible for any tragedies.

Life goes on. I am definitely a drummer that beats her own tune. I often may get off beat, but even while doing so, it is the beat that I am suppose to carry. I love my life,and even more so, the life that I have envisioned for myself. There is nothing like living your life that is designed by no one but yourself. I practice free will daily, and give in any way I can. One day this phase of life will end and I will welcome the next with, faith, excitement and gratitude.

Ok I got off subject a bit, but there are these times that I want to share a little more about who I am and what I am about. Everything I do comes from the heart.

Today, give someone a hug.. Maybe a person you would not normally hug, and if you are feeling real gifty, a complete stranger, just share a little of yourself, just because.

Smooches

Yes!...I think.

Ok. the weekend is here and I am at home. I am at home for several reasons, but the main reason is because I need some time to myself. My ole' faithful is out of town and I ended up parlaying with one of my friends in a different kind of way.

First let me share this. My ole' faithful wants to take this relationship to another level,which explains the dinner and some real quality time. I am like what? Has this man turned over a new leaf? I am not sure that this what I want from him. Can a purely sexual relationship turn into a true loving committed relationship? I am not sure. Now, of course I have love for this guy, he is very sweet. But we both made it clear from the start, because I had recently broke off an engagement when we meet and he was going through a divorce, we never thought about being more than what we needed at that time. Since we made such a connection in bed and in conversation, we have remained friends, but now as a couple? My brains is not making the connection. That is all I see him as, my on call lover/friend/homie, I guess if I think about it, that's the shit you want your relationship to be made of, right?. He has been completely happy with that title. There has never been any complaints, well, there was one incident where I faked on him, and he got a little upset, but what more could he say. He had to get over it! I will definitely have to give some thought to that.

Anyway, so back at the ranch. I went out with one of my friends of 5 months. We talk every now and then. You know, short conversations, a couple of how ya doings? then maybe dinner and a drink, but never anything more. Well, this particular night he invited me over to his house. Since I had never been there, I was kind of sceptical, but then he had not shown any "crazyman" tendencies, so I went over. We ended up having some of the best sex for the first time. I mean for the first time it was the best sex. It was surprisingly good. Now, just to give you an idea of what this guy looks like. He is 6'4", medium build, brown eyes, and skin so dark that you could lick him and I would swear he would taste like chocolate. I almost slept on this dude because of his cockiness. And I am not too found of men who call me "sweetie pie" and "lil' mama. Well, now I know that he knows I am a big girl and more than sweet. The only thing is, he went from calling me two or three times a month to texting me more than three times a day. Ladies, I laid it on him. My ole' faithful finally has some competition, but what do I do now since it seems like he's catching feelings?

I am home tonight. I am thinking of all my friends all in different ways. I do not know who I will see next, I do know that I will need some special attention when I do. It's almost the end of the summer, and since I always think ahead, who will I be snugged up with for the winter?

IS there really a "ONE"?

I have thought about this subject so many times. I have gone over and over in my head that I have so many needs that there has to be more than one. At this point in my life, they can't be just one. He just would not understand.

I do believe that there is one that may come in life at a time when all you really want is one. Which sometimes I wish people would wait on, instead of marrying and cheating. It is very hard for the human body to contain itself to one being. It's almost unnatural. That's why marriage is so sacred. It takes work, commitment and that can be very hard. God knew that it would be very hard to do. Temptation......can I write it again....temptation. We all fall prey to it sometimes, some more often than others.

I am dating and I like the men I see. I like him more than I like him, but for different reasons. I enjoy them. Sometimes, I pick their brains to weed out the weak from the strong. You need to be real strong to ride this ride (handsome, intelligent, rider etc). I like to be able to be your friend and enjoy your company before anything physical goes on. However, if you are one of those dick slanging dudes who go around talking about how good you are in bed, and cannot perform, then you will be left on the side wondering what happened to your dick because I took ait and left. Or better yet, what didn't happen. Being my friend first would at least get you a second round.

Anyway, remember when I said that I cut off ole' boy after four years. Well, I have not found a suitable replacement and guess what? Yeah, exactly, tell you about that later. I was kinda seeing this dude. I thought he was handsome, clean, not as tall as I like, but I thought we could probably be friends. When we talked he talked about sex almost all the time. Now, I do not mind talking about sex. I enjoy that area of my life thoroughly, but this dude apparently has a strong liking for blow jobs. Hmmmmmmmm, I thought. Maybe he also has the equipment, but no. He failed miserably. I was so sorry, he was a good kisser, and maybe someone I could kick it with after one of my drunken nights, but not on the regular...damn!!! Which is why I immediately ran to my old faithful. I was like a dope fiend looking for crack, I had to have him and of course, he was available and ready. He even made me dinner which was a little different and confessed some things I did not know, which now has me a little confused, but I'll tell you about that later. So yes, I broke the chains, and he broke me off!

Ok. getting back to the topic at hand. The "One". I am happily dating these men, and basically getting what I want whenever I want it from each one of them. Let me tell you, it's not all sexual. One is good for dinners, movies, plays etc. The other conversation, a wild ride, or a fun night out partying (he's VIP everywhere!). And since I went back to my ole' faithful, he will be the acting supplier of my vagina needs, until I find a comparable replacement. I do not lie or deceive any of them. I make it a point that I am open to having a committed relationship if that just happen to happen, but I am dating other people. For some reason that just makes them want me more. Makes him want to do more than the other. Men are so competitive anyway, so why not be the "prize" they are fighting for. I respect each one of them,, so there is never any drama in my life. Every now and again, I may have to remind one of them that there is no ring on this finger, and I do as I please if you would like to step then stage left! Other than that. There is nothing buy pure adult love and I am enjoying every minute of it.

It is possible that at some point one of these lucky beau's will be the one for me. He will be the one that I commit to and love for the rest of my life. I will not be one of those women that say's that they did not do everything I wanted to do before I got married because I am doing it. I also know that I am an even better woman when I have a soldier on my team to ride with me. I will be in a happy marriage, a union made of nothing but the best of what two people can give each other.

Make Love not War!!!!!!!

Follow Up...

Yes, he is my friend. Yes, no one else compares. Yes, he makes every man I ever had look like wimps. It's amazing when you meet "the one", it changes your life.

The *uck Stops Here!

For the last four years I had one of the most craziest affairs ever. It was an affair with a man who was very attractive, kind and from time to time a bit Corny. He made me laugh, had incredible sex and was always there when I needed some.

When I meet him, I had just broken off my engagement. He was the longest rebound relationship that anyone could ever have. There is one thing you do not do in a rebound relationship and that is fall in love. Because when your heart mends, your vision gets clear and your swag comes back, you'll soon find that all you had was a rebound relationship,and God forbid if you just happen to get married.

Let me paint a clearer picture of this relationship and why it had to end. During this four year period, it was not all consistently. We would see each other mostly when we wanted to have sex. The first poetry piece that I wrote him, indicated that this "affair" would come to an abrupt end to which nor he or I would expect. I knew then exactly what I was getting into. Which brings me back to a conversation that a co-worker and I was having four years prior. She had been in a relationship for about three years and even though she was currently happy with her beau,she knew that she would never marry him. At the time, I thought, then why spend so much time with this man, what's the purpose? Fast forward four years and now I know.

There are some men who serve a certain purpose in your life for a period of time. Like any relationship that starts, it can also come to an end. The thing that brought you together is no longer required so it's time to move on. This man was who I saw between little relationships that I had here and there. Like the dick you keep in the glass case and break in case of an emergency. Except, I broke the case along time ago, so now I just grab it. Although I have not been in a committed relationship in a while, I always found my way back to his bed. That's all I wanted then and that was all I was getting now. Until one day it dawned on me, that I wanted more from a relationship and in order to get that I would have to cut off all the strings that I had with people who had "served their purpose". Normally, I would not cut a person off this way, but since we really never took the time to become friends, in my mind all I was cutting off was his dick. (No pun intended) There was the expression of love every now and then, but having love "for" is definitely different than being in love. So when it was time for me to completely free myself from the willing chains that this man seemed to have on my "tinkerbell" it was not as easy as I thought. There were several levels to this departure.

The first level was telling him. Like most men, he heard what he wanted to hear. In his mind what I said I did not mean and I just needed sometime. Two weeks went by, and yes I was back in his bed. Sweating, panting, loving what he's doing to me as if I never said anything at all.

The second level was telling him again. Another few weeks went by, and in one of my drunken stumpers, called him and came over after a night of partying. That time was a matter of convenience. And being made love to, until I felt like I ran a marathon was the convenience fee.

The third and final level, was telling him again this time in person. Although we ended up making love again, this time he said something that completely threw me off. While he flipped me over and laid it on me from the back he whispered softly in my ear, "I will always fuck you, even when you get married". At that very moment all the excitement left of my body. I knew then that this was indeed the last rump in the hay. Did he really think that I would forsake my vows to come over and let him take part in my tinkerbell that was not even his tinkerbell in the first place? Ahhhh hell to the naw! Nobody got off that night. I looked him in the eyes and said, you think so?

That was the last time I saw him. I stopped answering his phone calls, and text messages. He's probably still wondering what happened, it's not like he was not warned. If you ever find yourself in a relationship that is no longer making you completely happy, then move on. There is no need to keep at something that is not worth keeping at. Even if it is just sex, money, or his freaky fetish, whatever your motivation for being in the relationship is, if it's not working, don't compromise your happiness. But if you want a relationship that is worthwhile, it's better to become friends first, take your time to get to know him or her, real love will follow when you're ready.

LOVE RULES

Loyalty

Sometimes I wonder if men are more loyal in their friendships than women. I have many friends on several different levels that I keep in contact with. There are those childhood friends, college buddies and those that you may meet as you become as adult. You may have a few things in common (i.e job, kids, other friends) and you bond.

I have found that my childhood friends have been the most loyal. I did have a male childhood friend whom I thought was my friend, but he had a brain malfunction and thought it was cool to try to exploit me into having sex with him, so you know what happened to him....Anyway.

But it makes me think. The male relationship is somewhat different from the females. From what I have seen, heard and experienced, the male seems to stay around for the long haul. They are more forgiving and forgetful and tend to maintain the relationship through girlfriends, wives, lovers, mothers and whomever crosses the path of these bonded men. Whereas, women can get ticked off by their female friend and depending on the degree of her madness never speak to their girlfriend again.

I know we change and grow and so do friends. But when it comes to the male on male friendship, women just don't compare. For example, a male in a drunken stumper may wake up to his friend fingering him in the ass, or whispering sweet nothings in his ear, and still remain friends in the morning, like nothing happened. Whereas, a female in a drunken stumper may kiss and fondle her best friend and wake up and they never speak again. Where's the love? Is it the people or the gender?

If a girl cheats on her boyfriend with the best friend, the girl has to go, whereas, if a male cheats on his girlfriend with the best friend, then she has to go, and vice-versa. (You wit me?) What is that about? (I know you have seen those Jerry Springer episodes, I am not making this up.) Where is the loyalty to each other women? We are our strongest alliance.

Now I know there are some girlfriends who would drop a dude in a second if he played that friend game, or if some misunderstanding occurred and you disagreed,you still remained friends, but how often does that happen? I remember once I had a best friend and a boyfriend and one accused the other of trying to sleep with one another. I was of course hurt and confused. Who do I trust? It was brought to me by my girlfriend, but my boyfriend wanted to get us all together and discuss the matter (unusual, I know) but my best friend was not having it. She thought that I should just believe her right off and dump the loser and move on. Me being in love, didn't trust either. Mind you, she had took off her shirt the night before, which gave him an idea of what he might be getting if he were to pursue that. (There were other elements in the picture but, why bother) And of course, he tried, I guess. My point is we never were best friends after that. How could I trust either of them. He turned out to be an asshole and basically so did she. Despite both of their short comings, we remained friends, until both relationships kind of fizzled off, But hey, I did my part as a friend.

Is it because women are more emotional, we take things to the heart, in cases where men can deal with them better? I am not sure. Whatever the case, I know that I am a friend until the end. Whether you are homosexual, bi, tri or even transgender, crazy, missing a tooth, or just plain lame, there is nothing but love that flows from this body. I guess that's why I receive so much love in return. Part of being a good friend is acceptance. Accept that you are not perfect and neither are they.(I was not born with this knowledge, I learned it along the way.)

Loyalty- unswerving in allegiance: as a: faithful in allegiance to one's lawful sovereign or government b: faithful to a private person to whom fidelity is due c: faithful to a cause, ideal, custom, institution, or product

Women try being better friends to each other, try loving your sister a little more. Even through your shit, try appreciating something that may be greater than you.

Fever in the Winter Pg. 4

At that time I had no idea about boys, I was a tom boy myself. I played sports, I fought with them and ran with them. I had a few Friends that were girls, but they were only good for sleep overs. But then I meet David. David was a singer in the church choir. He was tall and somewhat of a mystery. He had brothers and sisters he was the oldest like myself. He was also about 22 years old at the time. I did not understand the age difference,all I know that each time he sang in church no matter what he was singing, he was singing to me.

He had the most beautiful voice I ever heard. I now looked forward to going to church just to see him. There was no way that I could have this man call my house. He was a grown man, and that would not sit well with anyone. I had to figure out a way to see him outside of church. We would see each other in passing and at church functions, and he would give me a hand shake and a kiss on the forehead. That was the most annoying thing ever. My virgin self wanted him to kiss my lips and hold me close, I guess he too knew his limitations. I choose this man to be my first, but how and when this would happen I just didn't know.

David had a brother named Johnathan who liked me a lot and was closer to my age, he would be my scapegoat. I would make him my boyfriend, just so I could see David. I would pretend to like Johnathan. That may have been a mean thing to do. considering that Johnathan really did like me, I knew that his heartbreak was inevitable. I knew that one day he would find out my intentions, but it was not about him, it was about me and David, so I had to do what I had to do.

This affair with David went on for many years. He never had sex with me, but he did do other things that brought me great pleasure. We would sneak and see each other where ever he was, he would let me know. David went on to become a great R& B singer, he had many hits. Whenever he was home, he would call and we would get together and do what we always did. That was the theme of our relationship, until David told me one day that he was in love with me. I never quite understood what that meant. I am 20 and he is 28. Although by this time, I had lost my virginity, fell in love, and even experienced heart break, I was not ready for him to love me that way. I wanted to continue what we had done for the last six years. He cheated on girlfriends to be with me, he lied to his family because of me,and I did not want to enter a relationship with a man who I was only fond of.

Friends & Lovers....

There is nothing more exciting than the topic of love, who we love,and how we love them, but more importantly, how we love ourselves. How we love ourselves determines the kind of person we attract and choose to love, I call it mirror emotion.

Everybody wants to be loved. Yes, that my folks, is as natural as breathing. Tell me a person who does not want to be wanted and feel the touch of another that reciprocates the love that they are giving, and I'll show you a corpse.

But at what cost are we willing to give unconditionally, love with no judgements, take on the personality of the opposite sex and supply them with something that once they get, they do not want to let go. It's magical once it happens, it's spiritual with no religion. It takes on it's own form, and once you are captured you will always remember, always long for it, and always know when to let it go.

I have loved many in my time, but no two people the same. When I think back, I love the hardest when I was younger. I never had any problems with committing, and being monogamous, but I attracted people who did. Even then, I knew cheating was more about them, then me, so when the choice to walk away became clear, I did it and did not look back. I moved on, and moved them in the "friend" box. I always toyed with the idea that at any given moment, I could get back with them, or have sex with them, but I failed to exercise that choice in the beginning. There have been few that got lucky, (I tell you being a horney woman has it pitfalls), but it happened nonetheless, and it kind of goes back to the X-factor, you remember why you left and blah, blah, blah.

Anyway, back to love. I am a loved woman. There are a few people who will love me for the rest of their lives. I have many friends and sometimes think of rekindling with one, but I am always moving forward, increasing my stock, and becoming an even more incredible woman, friend, mother and lover, because when I do fall in love again,and I will, this man will be loved until he can't take no more, he won't believe it, because that is how I feel about myself, that is how I love myself. We will be friends and lovers.

I have these crushes on men who I admire, I love to boy watch. It makes me feel so girlie. I like to look at a man in action, rather he is jogging, working, walking, talking, sleeping, eating, I revel in their amazement, their imperfections, their strive. I enjoy the company of a man with intelligence. Someone who I can converse with about anything, teach me something, talk shit and then beat me in a game of pool, that to me is the best foreplay.

When you have that mirror emotion, you are attracting another person that has some part of your image. Sometimes we attract people who gives us a hard time, people with addictions, people who are emotionally detached, it is because at some point we were those people. We could relate, we have subconsciously invited them in, because either we have never really dealt with those issues, or we feel that we can help people with those issues. Then love enters. When we are complete, then we attract that other complete person to add to our happiness. I must say love can come at any time, even we are not completely complete. Having that person can make the love even more special, because here is a person that will put up with you shit until you become the man or woman you are suppose to be....nice.

At times love clouds the vision and makes the heart more subtible to accepting things that we normally would not. After 3 to 6 months our vision may be cleared then we realize that the image we created about this person was not who we thought, now the "real" person has arrived and we gotta' go!

With that being said, when searching for love, first start with yourself, then become friends. Although sexual attraction can cause us to jump into the sac before we really need to, try putting that on the back burner, do something different this time. Having the kind of love you want in your life begins with having a clear idea about you. Create the kind of love what you want, and watch it unfold right before your eyes.

Love, Love and Love again......

Wankster!!

To the lame ass creep that keeps sending me these sexually charged emails, and making all these comments about his libido, inviting me to ride his pony, please stop.

I am not sure how well you know me or if you know me at all, but to say that I would want you if I knew who you were, and to not tell me who you are is quite lame and stupid. And it's making you look like a real psycho. I am positive you are not someone from my inner circle, and most likely someone who is on the outside looking in. (That is why folks I never tell anybody all that is going on in your personal life, keep some to yourself). You get someone like this creep trying to tell you about yourself when in turn you know who you told just enough to narrow them down and know who they are.

There are very few lame's that I know and since you have decided to rear your ugly little head up, I can only think that this is the one and only person who has wanted me since I was 15 years old. I have always known you to be a little twisted and your emails have proved it.

I am a bit sad for you because this is what you have resulted to, well it was not my fault that your girl left you for another man. She found out something and had to switch things up. Try running another football team in the bay area, maybe you will run across a better taste in women.

Your type usually ends up lonely and paying for whatever services they can get from a young girl, you are right, being a sugar daddy is definitely in your future.

Thank You

Thank you to all the people that made me their favorite blogger on verveearth.com. I appreciate you reading and enjoying my stuff.


Jolie Labelle

Stolen (Poem)

My heart has been torn out from the bottom.......
And there was no way I could stop him.

I wanted what he gave, I became his emotional slave
How could I have been so blind? You got one this time.

Ya, see I am usually on my toe's when it comes to average joe's, but this
brotha' I bought everything he sold,
And I can't even tell you what it was

But when it came, it felt like a force
A feelin' that I never wanted to divorce

He made me sick. And I loved it.
I craved him and thought of things and moments to come, I was lost and it
felt so good.......at first.

He was just what I liked, conscious brotha', knowledgeable of everything that moved the planet. His heritage, and culture, his pain, his struggle, I was feelin' him

An intellect, ya' see, I prefer a mind fuck, over a fuck, but who the fuck was he?

A mystery that I wanted more of.
An unpredictable and yet so wonderfully made specimen.
But had I been played?

Nah, of course not. As I sit here thinking of moments past, and how love knocked me on my ass.

I loved every moment.
Just as the sun makes no excuses for having to set, with love & war there are no regrets.

LLW

Fever In The Winter pg. 3

My mother was on her third marriage. Though she never married my father, she managed to marry the other three kids father's. We looked like the rainbow coalition. I was the oldest and the only child that actually looked like my mother, who was quite a beautiful woman. A man once told me that I looked just like my mother, and to be proud, Because no matter what age you I become, I would always be a beautiful woman, then he bought me some ice cream and asked for a kiss. I never understood why she let me go with that stranger. There were a lot of things my mother did that I did not understand, but understanding would come soon enough.

I had 2 brothers and one sister, and they all looked like their father's. It was Rahim, Kevin and Pearl. Rahim was dark skinned, and so handsome. I used to tell him he was one step from being a girl, he was so pretty. Kevin was the nerd, you could not pull him away from a book. He had that nerd walk, that small nerd head, and those little nerd glasses. It's something that makes you wonder in the nerd gene pool, there is one gene that makes this kind of person,.. It is in all races and they can be picked from anywhere. Everyone knows a nerd when they see one. And I loved them. My brother because of his avid reading and supreme intelligence, made me appreciate the kind. Reading was his passion. I believe that's how he coped with all the terror that was in our surroundings. The only time you would a get anything out of him, is when you were messin' with one of his books. You could take an eye from him, but as long as he had another to read with, he was alright. The world was a good place.

Then there was Pearl. She was the only child who was tri-racial. Her dad was Irish, Latin and black. I always thought it was nice to know what other races you may have in you, but when it comes to just having even a drop of black, at the end of the day, that is what society saw you as, black. She was a beauty, at three years old, she was something to be reckoned with. She had the biggest green eyes, they cold melt an iceberg. I was 13 when my mother brought her into this world, I loved her and she was my baby too.

We were a family, who went to church every Sunday, Wednesday and Saturday for choir rehearsal. I went to that church for 13 years and the choir director never could pronounce my name right. Manacia (Ma-na-sha) Michelle Jones. She called me everything but that. It annoyed me heavily to hear my name mispronounced for so many years. I really thought this woman was retarded, so after a few times correcting her, I gave up. She didn't want to pronounce it right. If you don't get if after three years, then you are definitely needed on the yellow bus.

Sunday's were filled with the usual stuff. Sunday school, service, dinner and back to church to get the rest of what God didn't give you during the last few services. It was always fascinating to watch Sis. Goodman jump all over the church like she was running hurdles. Every Sunday at about 1:15, Brother Carter would start speaking in tongues, then his wife would follow shortly after, the the kids. Jumping all in a circle as if to do some kind of tribal family chant. They were strange, but no one said nothing about it. They all must have thought it was an act of God.

After all the excitement, the beating of the tambourines, drums and organ. The church would become quiet and the tone would calm to a whisper. The preacher would get up and ask if anyone was ready to give themselves over to God. Everyone would sit there waiting to see who would go first, and for some reason it's always that brother who wears the three-piece tangerine colored suit, who probably just came from the club. He would get in line with his Jerri curl soaked collar. He looked as if he had just run straight from hell into the church line. Sweating profusely, like he knew if he did not come and get in line, God would surely strike him dead. But on every Sunday, God would forgive him for another week.

Going to church was tiring, but it was the only social life I had. It would also be the first place that I realized that I was a different kind of child. Life was blooming and I was changing. Church was like watching reality TV, live and you knew every character personally, it would also be where I find a love that was unforbidden.

Psyche....You Creep!

Whoooaaahhh What a Weekend!

First and foremost I like to apologize to all the people whose events I was not able to attend. I decided to go with the events with people who I have not seen in a while, and enjoy the vibe of people who are artsy and creative like myself. What a great choice.

I even slipped up and spent time with an old beau, and had some incredible sex, since I am not really sleeping with the guy I "really" like, it seemed appropriate. Now I can go back to ignoring him, now that I remember his purpose in my life. The night kind of reminds me of a comment that was said when I was out with the married female species,"You try this and you try that, there's no stability". My dear, that's the joy of being single, you can try a lot of different things, I prefer this method, as opposed to waiting until I am married to find out that the person I am fucking outside my marriage is not quite right for me.....duh! Some things need to be figured out before marriage. So again, I am taking my sweet little time to take that walk of fame. I am enjoying every moment of my single hood. There is so much love...I mean everywhere.

Anyway, I went out to a club in San Francisco, why I thought this was an upscale older joint, I don't know. But once I was there I realized that I was at the "just turned 21 and I am going to wear my skirt up my ass club". Of course, I looked my gorgeous self, (It's almost a shame that I fit in so well just by my looks alone, the universe has definitely been kind to me). Anyway, I made the best of the latest hip hop music that was being played, until I was elbowed in the back by some chick who was popping around like she was on fire. (I mean was that a dance?) I could have yanked her some sense, but then she would have probably just upgraded to stupid. This brod was retarted, so I pardoned her and moved over to the other side of the floor.

After one drink and an hour, we were outta there, quick, fast and a hurry.

The weekend entailed hitting up a few other bars and meeting friends and having drinks, had a great time and partied my ass off. However, I do have a few words of advice for those men that stand around looking like suspects. It is still kind of weird to me to see a bunch of guys standing around in these buddy packs. Like little groups, just standing around as if they were shit waiting on flies. You might as well hold hands. Where is the confidence? Did you bring your friend so you can dance with him? I am tellin' you, you all look like couple's going out for the first time. Stop that shit, grow some balls and approach a beautiful woman for once or an ugly one if it makes you feel better. (Ok, I should not say that, all women are beautiful at some point). Unless, you are there with your boyfriend, your down-low lover, or your potna' that gives you an occasional blow job, don't be afraid to just talk to a woman, we are just the mother's of the earth, the beginning of all creation, the gift that keeps on giving, I can go on, but I am sure you get my point.


Smooches

Living On Purpose

You are not blessed on how much you know. You can read a thousand books, get 18 degrees, God looks at your heart. God looks at how much you have given to human kind, how you have served him and others.

Whatever it is that makes one person look down on another person has to do with the state of mind of the person looking down. The person looking up will always go where he needs to go, and be what he needs to be despite who's looking.

Every obstacle you are faced with helps to change your state of mind. A state is a temporary condition; your faith determines how you will get through it, God determines the condition.

Loving yourself is essential to loving others. You cannot get fresh water from a dry well. Love is like water to all human kind. The benefits of having it, knowing it, feeling it is insurmountable to any other emotion.

Love, Love and More Love

I think I fall in love everyday.

Everyday I see something that touches me, and makes me feel so wonderful inside
that I fall in love

I love the feeling that I get when I look at a flower and wonder at it's amazing journey to greet my eyes
The smell of it, the color, the touch, I fall in love with it's uniqueness and relish in it's power to make people glow.

I love to watch children play. It's like there is nothing more wonderful than to hear their laughter and joy. They seem to have mastered the art of happiness and they share it with all of their friends, giving with no thought.

I love the way the wind blows when the still air has become too hot. It comes right at the perfect moment to cool my body and to catch my hair in it's flow. Then it passes without ever saying goodbye, never knowing when it will return again, I don't care when it will return because I am caught up in the love of what it has done for me at that moment.

I am in love with me. I love the way I get on my nerves and talk to myself when I am bad. I love the confusion that my brains give me, when there is a decision to be made. I love my options, I love my moles, I love the way my beauty mark sits on my lip, so perfect. I love the shape of my eyes and what they do when you look deep into them. I love that I cannot hide my emotions, I love being a surprise to myself and others. I love the fact that I am perfect in his eyes, even more so than my own. I am completely and unconditionally in love with being me.

Phenomenal Woman!

I know.

I have let almost another month go by without writing on my blog. However, you would to believe how busy I have been. From entertaining family, and working to spending time with that new beau in my life. I am the master of time-management except when it comes to scheduling time for me to do what I love the most.

So, with all that said, I am again committing more time to sharing my thoughts and critiquing my actions. While me being so busy and doing all these things kind of reminds me of how phenominal a woman I am and many others that multi-task their way through life. It is not an easy feat. Single mother, single job, single life. It all has been very manageable thsu far, but there are some moments when I want to throw caution to the wind and not be that "every" woman. What would really happen?

If women all across the world stop doing the necessary things for their families, husbands, jobs, parents or any other responsibility that they may have, the world would come to an abrupt and yet uninterrupted end.

Perception

Just because I am beautiful you may think I am dumb
When I say that I love you, you may think that I am weak
When I know my power is stronger than what you give me between the sheets

When I cry after making love you may think I am sprung
When in reality it was just a really good cum

Because I enjoy your company and think you're a nice guy
Don't get it confused, I think that about most men who try

I am really not impressed with your torrid past
I am more interested in what you do with your future besides sit on your ass

Just because I recognize the man in you
Does not mean that I want to marry you

Your perception of me has more to do with your reality of you
When you look at me and judge, you are judging you too

Take the time to get to know what it is you're dealing with
There is nothing average about me, I am that "rule the world chick"

Not often do I run across a man that I admire and adore
Don't fuck it up with ego, or I will hit the door.


LLW

Fever in the Winter ----Pg. 2

We were moving to a place called California. It was soon after my mother was married that we just up and decided to go. I was leaving everything that was familiar. I was leaving the world that I had come to love and know. I was leaving my grandmother, grandfather, great-grandmother and cousins. The life that I knew would soon become a place that I would only visit. It would become unfamiliar and distant. I was embarking upon a new place to call home.

We moved to Berkeley, California. There were so many different kinds of people. I remember just being downtown Berkeley watching the action of the streets, people who looked as if they had to be somewhere immediately. Through my 7 year old eyes, it was an amazing display of action. I had never seen so many houses together, so many buses. Everyone had a dog to walk. What I found most interesting and entertaining were the people with bald heads, who wore white robes of some sort. They would walk and chant while playing tambourines. Up until that point I had only heard tambourines in church. But hearing that familiar sound stole my attention, but it was coming from a unrecognizable place. It looked as if they used it in the same way, but just with a different kind of song. This place called Berkeley was amazing, it was filled with energy and love. Something magnetic and unexplainable and I loved it.

In school I learned quickly about different races. After growing up in an environment surrounded by people who looked like me, I was intrigued to get to know the people who did not. I made friends easily. They enjoyed hearing my southern accent and I enjoyed hearing theirs. It was a mutual admiration. At recess we took turns saying words to hear how different they sound coming out of my mouth or theirs. I felt free at school. I could play and be free, read and enjoy my new found friends.

School would become my safe haven, my refuge, because my home life would soon become hell.

Fever In the Winter By LLW

I must have been born on the coldest day in January. It must have been cold because every since that day, I have never felt anything warm. From cold stares, to cold responses to cold hand shakes and cold lunches, it felt like winter forever.

In the swamps of Mississippi where the winters were white. Where the lines of color never crossed, that was the way of respect; but if that line was crossed in that small town of Sardis, Mississippi things would happen that you would soon want to forget. It was the south. I never went to school with white children, did not know they existed. They were not a part of my life. All I knew were my grandmother and cousins. I can't even say I knew my mother, the woman that birth me in the world. There was a love that came because she birth me in the world, but a mother I never had. I always felt that I was my grandmother's favorite. Although I had several cousins to play with, I always believed that she treated me like I was special. I loved her for the attention. I loved her for the affection she gave me when I had a cold. She would rub sulfer on my chest and under my nose, so I could breath that night. I loved the blues she played during the week and the old spirituals on Sunday. I loved the pies she made, the greens, the corn bread,the peach cobblers. I loved her bravery when killing a chicken, plucking him until the skin was bear and preparing him to be eaten that night. I loved that in the summer we could pick peaches off her tree and pecans to later become a pie's. She was the industrial woman. She did everything, my grandfather must have loved her to death.

But that joy would soon be broken and replaced with a new environment unfamiliar to me. It would be the last time that I remember something being warm.

I Used to Love you...Did you know?(Poem)

He was what I call, "My  truth".
He made me so weak when I saw him, and if he ever spoke to me I probably would faint.
He was the finest thing I ever have seen, he moved like a tiger in the woods
His kindness was in his eyes, eyes that I never wanted to meet with mine, cause I would melt into submission and let him have his way, so

It was as if he knew me, like he created me.
His smell was so deep and his lips felt like wetness and softness made a sandwich with love
His face was heavenly
I would run for cover, pretend to ignore, then stare at him. Love or Lust? With him, it's forever so this is love.

I would stage left to avoid eye contact, cause if he knew how I felt, then it would be over.
This love affair that I was havin' all by myself would no longer be
My eyes would tell his story, longing for his touch to restore me
Back to the reality of him and I, our souls will find each other in the skies

I wanted him
I needed him
It made no sense
Yet, all this I was feeling left me wit' no sense.

I would give him what he needed, whenever he needed, and that's no lie
I was powerless, but with him, I feared not
I would let him take over my body with just one kiss
Making love to my mind, until I could no longer resist
This was the beginning of forever....

I am in love.

Assumptions....

It is my destiny to be the best innovative writer on the planet. My life is a script that is being written and directed by God himself. A story that is not complete, but will begin and never have an ending. I live in the creative light. And unless you are an creative person, you cannot possibly understand the objects and scenes that cross my mind daily. I write to stay free and to not let what I know, destroy me or make me a negative person. My heart is filled with love and joy. I choose to live in the light and enjoy this gift that was given to me. Along with my many other gifts, it is writing that gives me the most pleasure. I write because it allows me to face my own truth. You can be a bull shitter in the verbal language, but writing what's true and what is filled with love pushes all bullshit aside. Walk a day in my flip-flops, 3-inch wedges or stiletto's and see how beautiful it is.

I shine. And from the looks of it, I must shine all the time, because all my life I have come across people who are so curious about what makes me tick. All you need to know is I walk with God, I write with God and God shines through me. I am a born leader.change agent, trend-setter and so on. I am the Mother of my Nature. Every freckle and mole that crosses my body, my eyes, my lips he/she orchestrated this Divine being so that I represent him or her. So this path that I am taking, this walk through life, these people I meet, those that stay and those that go, remember me; and in remembering me, please remember that I am just a vessel, it is God who made me, so take your complaints and hater tendencies to him/her.

Smooches

I fully enjoyed mommies day and the whole weekend as a matter of fact. Thank you all for all the love. I was really hung over and was texting people back while I was between dreams. I was on auto-pilot and it all ended this morning when I woke up and realized that I was no longer where I was when all this madness started. If I were to share with you what kind of weekend I had, you would not believe me. I am living a true rock star life and it's not on purpose, I am just fabulous like that.

However, I will share with you a few tid-bits here and there, I am not quite ready to be a complete open book. Just a bit of advice, I am not sure why I attract women who are insecure, maybe there were I was when I meet them, but I do know it's time to hang out with more confident women who are making moves and helping to change people lives. That is one of my life goals, and the only way to do that is to be around that type of energy. My mind is just too great to just sit around and gossip about average people. Maybe because their lives are soooo lame, that talking about other people makes them feel good about themselves,and maybe supplies some kind of joy. And here I am talking about them. It's only because I do not understand when people do that. I do know it's starting to get a little annoying. I guess when you are married and unhappy that is your only option. I don't know, but I do not live on that planet, so I am getting off at the moon, I have better shit to do.

Anyway, I went on to hang out with some of my artsy friends on mother's day. We had sushi and a lot of drinks. It was very fun, we enjoyed each other's minds. Talked about the joy of men or having them and the joys and pains of being a mom. After I drove over to one of my "Friends with "BEEN NEE FITS" house in a horny stumper, and topped off the weekend with some extra special stuff. Ya' know the kind of stuff that makes you real proud to be a woman. I also whipped his ass in dominoes, something that I have not been able to do since we meet. There is something exciting about competing against a man, beating him at his own game, and having him take his revenge out in the sheets.....yummy!!!... So I went to sleep feeling like a champ!!

A Penis...Long Story Short...lol (WARNING: I USE CURSE WORDS)

                                                

 

Bi-Polar Moment!

Have you ever did something and wake up and wish that you never even went there. Yeah, I had one of those moments last night and with an X. Remember how I was blabbing about how an X would be an last option considering all the other options I had, well I got rid of all my options and was left with an X. This is the 2nd time in 5 years that I went back to old faithful and for the second time in five years, I wish I could rewind the tape, it makes you remember real quick why they are X's in the first place.

The night was kind of generic, ya know the late night pick up, then the late night food and drinks. The drinks really got me in the mood and my thought process went out the window. It's amazing how a man acts when he wants something, so I pretended like it was sincere and let the night take it's course. I also knew it would be great writing material.

I am not going to bore you with the details, just know that sometimes it's better to wait for that one who can give it to you just like you like it and however long you want. I almost hate that he spoiled me in that way, but he did and it makes me want him even more, and he knows it. If I were to tell him about last night, he would say that I deserved to not be satisfied because he is the only one that can. Damn, the truth hurts! What I experienced last night must have been the result of the recession.

I am laughing at myself because I lead some men to believe that I am this lonely writer waiting to be rescued and taken care of. Those are just the seeds that I plant. My life is a bundle of joy and I carry "a pocketful of sunshine". Those who truly know me, know what's up, and those that don't, are standing on the sidelines wondering if they could see me tonite. If they only knew.....lol

Tender

He was like a warm breeze between my legs
He left no part untouched
When he was not there, I felt him so much

A true King indeed , one that could not be denied
He tamed the beast in me just by one look from his eyes

He handled me the way a man should
Caressing my mind with images of words unheard
Giving me everything that I deserved

His kiss was magic it made my heart pound
I've never been kissed so deeply
His tongue introducing itself to me

My body he would get to know intimately
For it was my mind that he went through first to get to me

Mind Madness

It's pretty sad that I only get a chance to write on my blog every 10 days. My mind is so blogged up with everything in life that I seem to forget to release the madness. There is so much going on in the universe and with people that sometimes I need to be away from it all.

Ya know I love the warm weather, so I was out in it. I faked on a date the whole weekend. I am just not into him so why bother. I faked in a nice way, I choose to spend time with my daughter instead. I checked on people to see what they were doing, and for a Sunday nothing much was happening, even for those who said they were doing something. I was in the mood for love, well sex and since I have cut off my hook-up. I was left to ponder about a few other aspects of my life that may appear to be lacking......lol

There are so many people who want to see me in a relationship, and happy. But my happiness does not mean being with a man. Happiness is being able to express myself through writing. Happiness is eating pecan praline ice cream at midnight and not having to worry about my weight. I am happy now, and I think when the time is right that man will add to that when I am ready and not a moment sooner. But sex however, damn, that is an immediate need. I also most hate that the one that gives it to me EXACTLY like I like it, is miles and miles away.....damn, damn, damn. And the sad part is that no one else will do. So, I go without. I could call him and he would come, but then he would get made cause then I would want him to go back and that would start another fiasco and blah, blah, blah. And these Cali boy's if not most all of them are in question and pretty fucked up if you ask me....lol.
I would rather do something else.....like watch a flick.

Anyway, during this time, I am working out everyday. I am making some great progress, I kind of like it. I have one of my friends work out with me and we are on a mission to just be healthier. I love my body, I am naturally muscular, so toning takes no time. My legs are my favorite and his too....lol

I am getting sleepy, I wanted to write some of my book tonite, but I cannot figure out what the damn password is I placed on my document. That's just retarded! I am so frustrated by that. Maybe that is a sign that I should go in another direction, who knows. My goal right now to invest for the next three years so I can write full-time. My dream is to be a stay at home mom, with my son and write all day, while my hubby works. That sounds so not like me, but that is where I am headed. Just watch and see....

Caught Up!!!!

It's interesting how things turn out for the best. How you can make a decision not to do something even though it seems that all the card's re in order, but you listen to that 6th sense, and without reason choose to do something else? I know, I have been there and because of this situation and many more, I have listened to that inner voice, it's when we ignore it, all hell breaks loose!

About a year or more ago, I met a nice guy that lived in my apartment complex. He was very handsome and I even noticed that he had a southern accent. We had seen each other in passing since both of our daughters attended the same school. However, on this particular day, while I was leaving he came up to me and said hello. I thought ok, really nice guy with southern accent. Come to find out, he was from my home state of Mississippi. What a coincidence. We continued to talk and exchange numbers. After talking on the phone for about two weeks, he invited me over to his crib. Ok, remember when I said I thought he lived in the same apartment complex? Well, that is where his "baby mama" lived and he was taking his daughter over to the house. He lived a few blocks down the street. RED LIGHT!

I went over, walked it. The atmosphere was nice, incense burning, my kind of mood. I recalled that he said he was a rapper when I saw all the posters of himself all over the wall. The conversation we had was a little different. He seemed a little nervous and complimented me profusely. He even mentioned the "secret", which I had not heard of at the time and suggested that I watch it or read the book. He said that we were meant for each other, we brought each other in our lives and he would love to taste my lips. (At this point, I am thinking which ones...lol). I declined. After listening to him rant for what seemed like an hour. My cell phone rings and it's one of my favorite boy's, so I tell him I have to go, and thanks for inviting me over. He received a hug and then went in for a kiss, which he again gets declined for. I know these lips are tempting, but not for you tonite. I felt that he was not at all being truthful and there was just something about him that I could not put my finger on. Anyway, I put him on pause for a very long time. He called and called. I even had him pick me up from the airport once, but just never hooked up with him again. A few weeks after our initial meeting I see him with a baby and a woman, which clearly was his girlfriend since this child seemed like it was a newborn. I never really got a good look at her, but it was definitely him, so I thought why a brotha gotta lie?

Anyway, fast forward two years and I am sitting in the nail shop and guess who walks in, the dude and his girlfriend, except this time I get a closer look at her, and it is a girl that I currently work with! Wow!!!. If you have never seen a black man turn white, you should have been there. He was literally sweating bullets. We were chatting it up, talking about the job, and I know he thought that I would buss his ass out, but I am not that kind of woman. I never want to be the one to fuck up what appears to be a happy home. I just shot him a look that could nail him to the cross.

All I can say now is thank God I passed on him, and listened to my inner voice. I could have easily fallen for this man and look what damage it would have done to the both of us. It's never a game when you play with matters of the heart, so don't start!

Free Yo MInd!

I have been told by a few people that I do not enter my blogs often enough. I am trying! Between work, working out and this single life, I am finding it hard to sit and take the time to free my mind. Since writing is my most favorite thing to do, I guess I should spend more time doing it....no pun intended...lol

Did anyone go out this weekend? It was a fabulous spring weekend, and I hear that it will be followed up by a fabulous summer and if you know me, I can not wait. I was out the whole weekend! Although I did not run across anything that was worth mentioning from men to venue's, the time I had just hanging with one of my best friends was enjoyable just the same.

Wait, I take that back, there are a few things that happened that are still in my memory. My friend and I went to a certain Mexican restaurant that has a bar that is located near a jail in Oakland. Those who live in the Bay Area, may know what I am talking about. When we parked, there was certain thumping sound coming from across the street, as the walked it got louder. When we looked up there were several jail inmates beating on the windows waving frantically and saying something. The beating increased, so we both waved. It was a very interesting feeling , at that moment, I realized that those men were not free. They were trying to get the attention of something that do not see on a regular basis. It makes me very sad to see men locked up. I know some may deserve to be there, others may not. I do hope that when they come home, they have something to come home to. Much love to my incarcerated brotha's.

The other event was not so interested. I was hounded by a 55-60 year old man. Who offered to lick my ass and spend his money. I was appalled and annoyed and he was not letting up. I felt if you are licking ass at 60, then there is something that you are seriously missing and you have been missing it for a very long time. He went on to say that he was a long shore man, no good, wanted to touch on me, but thought that I would just take all his money. Ok, I am thinking a sentence ago you wanted me to take all your money. I am also thinking not only is he aging ungracefully, Alzheimer's is kicking in with a vengeance. I finally had to basically curse him out, by saying he could not buy me anything but some stock, for some reason he went away looking confused. When I said stock he probably thought I meant cows....lol