Disclaimer:

I want to make it clear that I do not dislike American men. They are my first love. I prefer a King to be a King where ever he is from. I have learned many things, but I do not know it all.

Thank you to all my folks who questioned what I was saying. I am always open to share my thoughts and listen to your opinions.

Peace & Love

Brotha's from Another Land

Every since I can remember I've always gotten approached from men from other countries. Mainly, Africa. I have yet to understand the fascination. No matter where I go, that African man will always come up to me. Now please understand I have no complaints about it at all. I am just trying to come up with what it is they are attracted to. Since there are so many misconceptions about Black American women and Africans, I must be something different because I have dispelled them all, because of course I am not your average America woman. Is is because my American beauty transcends to both nations? I was once told by an African from Uganda, that American Black women are the most beautiful women he ever saw.

I must tell you the African that I did date was the first to treat me like a Queen, the first to show me a different side of life. The first to help me embrace my natural beauty. (And that did not mean wearing scarves and growing locs.) The first to help me understand the difference between The Nation of Islam and the "real" Muslims. It was a beautiful exchange of knowledge and love. It was that man from the motherland that helped me to embrace my true worth, and every since then I never looked back or accepted anything less.

So lately I have been approached by a Black Cuban (beautiful), a Nigerian and a man from Ghana. I basically treat them as if I wouold any other man that I am either interested in or not. If you come on too strong, then I head for the hills. There would be too much potential for some stalker action. And believe me you, having a stalker is not cool. This particular one is doing well for himself, he said that he became an American, which I doubt, Africans almost never do that. Maybe he was trying to impress me, whatever the case, we will see. They like to show off their women. I can understand why a man would want to be seen with a beautiful woman, most men do, it's a shot to the ego.

I enjoy dating men from Africa, simply because they are usually very intelligent,and although some are possessive, I haven't run across one that I had any real problems with. I am going to ask him the next time I see him what the attraction is. Right now, there are not that many American men sayiing anything I want to hear, so why not explore other avenues to happiness.

The Good Ole' Holiday Season

I would take some time to comment on the Tiger Woods situation, but when a babysitter can gross up to $55 million just for being married, (I mean just for who she married, my bad!) I am pretty much speechless.

Anywho.

The holiday season brings about spending time with friends and loved ones. I have a lot of love one's and a few friends. I am dating and again and having fun when I can. I am not quite ready to live that married life yet, but it is inevitable that it will come and I will go into full wifey mode, but until then, I am just doing me. I am finding that people are sometimes full of surprises and others tend to be quite disappointing. Both are quite entertaining nonetheless. I enjoy people, and even more so enjoy the company of men. I find them fascinating, (well,some of them) and I just enjoy hearing, seeing, feeling what they are about. But as the season comes about, who do I spend the holiday with? Am I ready to invite someone over to meet the Fam? And do I want to meet theirs? I don't know about all that.

I do know that I love the holidays. I love sharing love, the giving and receiving and it is topped off the next month with my birthday celebration, which I might add will bring about another dilemma. I like seeing my nieces and nephews open their gifts from me. My daughter just wants money and a few DS games, my little one, is still getting the most joy from her milk for now.

I am excited about the upcoming year. Although I have been through some major changes in my life, I believe that my best days have yet to come. "Progress through transformation." That's what I am calling 2009. There are some changes that have taken a long time, but those changes have set the pace for the next round of changes, and I am ready, willing and able. I look forward to ending this year and bringing in the new year. I thank God for all his blessings.

So back to my boys. I like them, I enjoy them, but I am not sure who I will be spending my holiday with. Let's see let's weight the odds. Contestant #1, Nice,educated, well-paid, intelligent, but likes to talk about himself all the time. He wants a woman who will just listen. Maybe a little too uptight for my holiday glee. Contestant #2 Tall dark and handsome (like I like them), complete workaholic, does not really celebrate holidays, maybe hard to get together, got his "mind on his money",and I mean all the time. A little too judgemental (probably from his religious upbringing), cool to be around, got nice handles...lol. I am not sure if he will want to do anything more than just sit at home, which is cool too. Who know's maybe a new jack will come into the picture before that holiday gets here. I am not tempted either way right now. I am definitely going to be with my two girls, Imani & Miki, they are bringing me the most joy, they make me laugh. They make me enjoy being their mother. Maybe I will just choose to be with my girls. Moments with your children can never be replaced, and I enjoy them so much.

As the holiday season comes around, just be thankful. Something you should be all year. Celebrate not just with gifts, but will signs of love and affection. Appreciate those in your life. Whether for a moment or a lifetime, everyone serves a purpose.

Life's Rollercoaster Ride

I am sitting here thinking how much I always tend to neglect writing on my blog. I have more than one now and the new one is getting all the attention. I try to give this one some time, but I get so distracted with everyday life so much that I just forget. The other reason is sometimes I can't write what's on my mind because it's so damn personal. I want to share things, but not all.
I am going through a transition in my life. There are so many things up in the air and Iam just waiting for some of those things to land. I am kind of in limbo. Not really here nor there, just in the midst. If you have ever been there, it can be strange place to be. A place where you have no control of how things will fall, you just know that they will and how ever they fall it will effect you one way or the other.
Life....
It has a funny way of letting you know that as humans we can only control so much. It's just like making a decision, would you have made that same decision if you knew what the outcome would be? Some days are harder that others, Iam human, Iam a woman and I experience some if not all of the strife that goes with being a single-mom, dating,and trying to make it all work out. Somebody old me that I won't ever be financially where I want to until I get married. There are not that
many people who are doing it alone and making it. Maybe there isn't, but that does not justify a reason to get married. What about love? I would not marry to be financially secure, nor if I was financially secure would I marry. That's just me.

I do not believe that there is one person you are suppose to be with forever. That is a choice. That's why marriage is so hard and people cheat. It is natural for a human to want another human or several. When you do decide to make that commitment understand what it means. A lot of people do not. There is a difference between right now and forever.

So I am going to try and write onthis blog more often, maybe in the mornings as opposed to the night. I don't know.

I am bored....ho hum

Sometimes I find that I do not get approached by men because they are intimidated by a beautiful, confident woman. At this age of the game, some men are so messed up by the previous woman that they tend to not display as much confidence when trying to get to know a woman. Their confidence, swagger and whatever else has been stripped, so that's when they send the representative, that man that they hope that I will want to save the day, when nothing could be farther from the truth.
All I want right now are good, reliable, intelligent friends. I love a man who can tell me about something, one that can keeo me thinking. I have stayed in relationships because the mind game was so strong (and I mean that in a good way), unfortunately everything else was in the negative. I could say that I am a simple woman with simple needs or dumb down the fact that I am intelligent and have dreams, but why? The man that keeps my attention will find all that very sexy.
I guess I am bored with what I have right now. There is one particular one whom I thought had potential. I mean we could had something, maybe, but even he shows signs of insecurity and doubt. I need you to be on it. I need you to know that you are the best thing since corn bread and greens.
So, I am almost back at square one. I love men so much that I will never stop giving them the benefit of the doubt. I have friends who have given up on them completely and is dating women exclusively, and happily doing so. That route is not an option for me, a woman would annoy the shit out of me.
I am going to keep dating because that is the most fun out of all this craziness. I enjoy the dinners, movies and the conversations. Men are the most fascinating creature on earth, and it is my challenge to capture and tame one, well for him to capture and tame me....lol In a perfect world we would capture each other and be for each other what we need without ever even asking, just pure love.


Speaking of dating, I meet a dude who was Patron cute, which means after a few shots he looked real good! I was going to give him some time until he said I got a DUI and cannot drive, my license is suspended and I need you to pick me up. Ummmmmm pimp, you don't need to be trying to date. After a short pause I knew this was not going to work out....lol

Tellin' the story like it is.....

I meet this dude the other day who wanted me to make time for him. I told him that I am a mother first and that my free days are Fridays and Saturdays, Sundays are for my children and of course during the week it's almost impossible to make time for for someone, with the kids, writing, checking out publishing options and just having a few moments to myself. Why this brotha did not understand that I am not sure, which is part of this dilemma I am facing. Do men really need that much attention before they even get to know a sistah? I mean, if I am handling things and is willing to give you a day, isn't that good enough?
Apparently not.
He did not call back once I told him what was up with me as far as dating is concerned. OF course, I am not offended by that because tome, it's easier for me when a man eliminates himself early, than it is for me to eliminate him later, for obvious reasons.
If that is the way things are going to be with men these days and I doubt that it really is, I am going to single for a long time. My time is valuable and I value another persons time as well. I do not understand the urgency in seeing me and not even talking to me on the phone, lets have a conversation first, honey. Let me feel you out, don't you want to know if I am a pretty psycho chic? Or do you think you are just going to be hittin' the skins? I have been out the loop with datin' I mean is that how they are doing it these days?
Well, let me tell it like it is. Any woman that is worth something is not going to give you the time of day with that type of intention. I am not desperate by any means. Even though I have more fun when I am single, I will not compromise when it comes to considering someone for a committed relationship. Like I said, I am a mom first, and my children come with me, so at this point in the game, there is no playin when it comes to the man that is around my children. You have to be an exceptional brotha', because I am an exceptional woman. I am not going to be one of those women who say that good men are hard to find, that is not my story. I have passed up a few simply because I was not ready to go there with that particular man. I have chosen to be a single woman for the last four years, for my personal growth, to become a better woman, mother, wife and whatever else that comes my way. There are not very many like me, I know, I just want my equal in body, mind and spirit.
I will not marry for the sake of saying I am married. I will not commit to you, unless we share the same goals of what we want in a relationship, and gawd knows that a big dick (although weighs heavy) will not be the deciding factor in determining my relationship with you. Come on brotha's keep it real with yourselves, you get as well as you give.

Life is About Choices

Life is about choices, I must've have said that comment over a dozen times over the weekend. I find that people often wonder how they get in certain situations. How they end up with the people in their lives, ya know like that wife or husband? That loser job or boyfriend. Why you loan money to that dumb ass friend that never pays you back. It's all pretty simple, it's because of the choices that we make.
It really isn't science. If we took the time to think maybe things would be different,but where would all the learning we are suppose to gain from making mistakes come from? It is suppose to help us reflect and not do it again, but some of us learn the "hard way", we know it all. Some of us have a tendency to take so much for granted and once we decide to take it seriously, its gone. Either way, it was our choice. There is no blaming anyone when it comes to the decisions we make in our everyday lives. And if we do feel the need to blame, point that middle finger back at yourself because it starts with you!

I am sleepy, ya'll ain't new to this shit!

Pure Heat

He walked in to the room all I can feel was his baritone voice
Like silk it entered my ears and down my neck and landed on my collar bone
My body froze, my mind raced wondering where the heat was coming from

I sat there no longer watching the TV, but taking in all that he said , how he said it and what would he say to me...My phone rings, I walk out the room to take the call

As I passed him by, I refuse to look into his eyes, but his eyes were on me, I could feel the heat, his shadow told me he was tall, his voice was not the only thing that was deep, I wanted him deep in me.

As I reentered the room, he stopped me to say hi, "Oh hi", I said as if I never noticed him. I was nervous, if I were wearing a skirt you could hear my knee's knocking. He was beautiful. His 6'4" frame was a compliment to my 5'4". His lips, juicy and moist waiting on a kiss from me, he spoke words that I did not hear, my focus was his statue. His brown eyes, his dark skin, I wanted a tall glass of him, straight, no chaser.

At that moment, he could have anything he wanted from me. I was mesmerized and I enjoyed the submissiveness of it all. Take me, do as you please, please. Use me tonite and if you make it right, I will be back.
Touch me, feel that I am soft, know that this is yours until you are full, and when you are hungry again, I will be there to anticipate all your needs.
Let your hands roam by body like a tourist with no map. Where ever you end up is the right place. Take a trip to my fairyland, every ride is sweet. Let me take you to the highest point of clarity. Because only a man who can truly see the beauty of what he is embarking upon, can truly see me.

Damn.....as I returned from my trance, I was being introduced to this man with whom I made my fantasy.  Unbeknownst to him, we had made love all around the world. We shook hands, made small talk, he went his way and I went mine.

I smiled knowing where I had been.

Dating Again....Whhhheeeewww!!

I had one of the nicest weekends this year. I hung out with friends, the RAIDERS won, and meet one of the nicest guys in a long time.
I am dating, or getting back in to the swing of it per say and it is a rare case to meet someone and an hour later we are out having a great time. He was what I liked, but since my manometer has been a little off due to a lack of dating, I am going to enjoy it for what it is, because next week might be a different story....lol
There is also another young fellow who I used to like back in the day and he has resurfaced in the most powerful way. I wonder why that happens? It makes me wonder why do people resurface back into your life after such long periods of time.

After talking to this man for awhile, I realized that he has been many places that I have been, but I never noticed him. My eyes were unfocused and my attention was somewhere else. I must say that the same remains true today. When I with someone that I love, I see no other man. In my eyes, there is not another man that exist. But anyway, his memory was apparently very vivid, I guess a man always remembers the woman he did not get.....lol. He was at one of my birthday parties, he went to one of the colleges I attended, I do not remember any of that..sad. But as most people know I had a boyfriend in high school and I was all his......seriously. It was my daughter's father after that, so yeah, there was no other man.

This new energy that I am carrying has me getting a lot of attention. I usually get a lot of attention, but this time "I am really getting a lot of attention". I am a shy person, so sometimes it embarrasses me. It makes me feel timid and want to climb inside a closet to shut it all down. Which is one of the reasons that I do not go out that much. Some men act like they never saw a beautiful woman before, and they do the strangest things. Like over compensate, be over accommodating and it makes them look silly. I enjoy being treated like a lady. I mean a beautiful woman can get away with a lot, and gets a lot, hands down, but please it's the norm for me, you are just adding to what I get on the regular, just in small doses without the overkill. Don't come off so hungry....lol It scares me.

So as I embark on my new dating experiences, maybe I will keep you posted on some of the happenings. I am such a private person, I can never just tell all. The sex in my life is something that I have missed, and gosh I promise to do it differently this time,and I don't mean different positions. I am going to enjoy it just the same, just go about it in another way, maybe in a way that will leave us both happy and more than satisfied.


Smoooches

Where is he?

So here I sit on another sleepless night
Believing that everything will be alright
Wondering what my husband is doing tonight

If he were here we would talk, laugh and make perfect love

Promise to be there for each other like many times before and fall into
a heavenly slumber

We would dream of each other as if we never meet. Dream of this moment
and days that haven't happened yet.

We would dream of walks in the park, holding hands, smiling, and dancing to
our heart beat
Having a strong, true and incredible love that knows no defeat.

We would comfort each other in times of need, being a best friend, confidante and
whatever else we may need.

I love my husband, A God send is what he is to me
When I wake from this dream, there he lies sleeping right next to me.

No Regrets (A Poem Story)

My heart has been torn out from the bottom
And there was no way I could stop him

I wanted what he gave and I willingly became his
emotional slave

How could I have been so blind, you got one over this time
Ya see, I am usually on my toe's when it comes to average Joe's, but this
brotha, I bought everything he sold
And I can't even tell you what it was
But when he came it felt like an uncontrollable force
I was instantly attached to a feelin' I never wanted to divorce

He made me sick.
And I loved it.

I craved him and thought of things and moments to come, I was lost and it
all felt so good, at first.

He was just what I liked. A conscious brotha', knowledgeable of everything that
moved the planet, his heritage and culture, his pain, his struggle
I was feelin' him.

A pure intellect, cuz I prefer a mind fuck over a fuck, but who the fuck was he?
A mystery that I wanted more of, an unpredictable human so wonderfully made, but had I been played?

Nah, of course not. Cause as I sit here thinking of moments past, and how that
love bug had knocked me on my ass, I enjoyed every moment like the sunset, and in love and war there are no regrets.

My Daughter's....My Love, My Life

I recently gave birth to a baby girl. She is my second daughter, my first daughter is 15 years old. My pregnancy was an eye opening experience. It was a lot different from being 23 years old and having a baby. I am in love just the same, but this time, the father is absent and the choice has been his and to have her was mine.
Since my first daughter's father has passed away, I know he would have some choice words for a man who does not want to participate in a child's life, but I knew where he stood upon my decision to have my daughter. Even though I want her to know her father, in the long run, it's probably best that she does not. He's that guy who was good for sex, and nothing more. A small mind with nice dick. Not the biggest, not the longest, but the nicest...LOL...Kind of like the the girl who you would fuck, but never marry for whatever reason. After four years of playing around, the real stuff has arrived. And like a pup with his tail between his legs, he runs and he runs fast, but not long. My daughter is a wonderful surprise and a wonderful blessing and again I am in love. Even though I do not understand the decision for any person to not want to be in their child's life, I know that as a mother I am going to do my part and raise her to be the best woman she can be.
I am glad that I have another daughter. I have done well with my 15 year old,and this should be a breeze, right? I am not sure, but I am looking forward. This also changes the way that I date. I am more interested in the man that is about something, instead of the man that is just existing and doing nothing. No more tolerating the loose minded for entertainment, and God knows that I have been entertained. It is all about timing and this is the right time for me. I have enjoyed my single hood (single 4 years), it has really given me a chance to see who I am. I needed to have the growth. Now that I am a single mom of two daughters it makes me want to get on my grind even more. Push my book that I am writing. Push the net working and just start really focusing on my future as well as my girls. Men have come so easy for me, but I want that man, man...LOL.
In time it will all come to fruition. Just like the sand flowing through an hour glass, the time will come. I believe that if you see your future, and see how you want it, it will pan out just as you planned it, if not better, however it comes, it comes perfectly. Just focus on every little detail and it will come. I am a writer, I am not meant to work in corporate America. Even though that route has given me a nice income, I am so much more than what they see. I always have been. So now it's time to focus on that and just "do me".
As I embark on this new phase in my life, this new era, I will share as much as I can. There is nothing more gratifying than sharing an experience and having someone learn or share in the experience with me, that's one of the reasons why I write, it's for the love and for life's common themes that we all share or can relate to. First the book, then the movie...I am comin' at cha!

Stay tuned.....

Love & Happiness........

There are not too many people who have marriages that I look up to, admire or want to emulate. I am not sure if that is a sad thing to say or if that's just the way it is. I love the idea of marriage, I love what it can be between two people who truly love and care for each other unselfishly. It can be an amazing and wonderful experience. For others, who do not get married for the right reasons, there will always be reasons to leave it all alone and move on. There is no working it out or trying, everything just fizzles. And for some, there is the motion of just staying for matters of convenience i.e kids, money, mortgage etc. I honor and respect the union of marriage too much and now that I am getting to know myself more and more each day, I am glad that I have waited. I am glad that I have become the woman that I am. Looking back it has not been the easiest of roads, I have learned to appreciate the struggle. My life experience is something that I can tell my daughters about and pass on to anyone who is willing to listen.

I am not confessing perfection, I am professing experience. There is no greater teacher than life. Either you are able to roll with it and make the most of the gift that God has given you, or you give up and just take whatever as it comes. Never making the adjustment to the circumstances. There is one thing that I know about myself is that I never compromise my beliefs for the comfort of others. What I think and believe about myself is way more important that what you may think about me. I love me, I can't help it.

So if you are married I hope that even on your worse day with this person you can look that person in the eye and say that you love them anyway, that is love. I hope that you compromise with joy and embrace what the two of you may have, because you love and appreciate them that much. Comfortable with the fact that you have nothing to prove, because your essence speaks for itself. And if you are not married, use this time to get to know who you are, and what makes you unique. Think about what you can bring to the person who may make you want to make "that move". Love is a wonderful and complicated thing and even if and when it doesn't lead to marriage everyone should get the chance to experience it at it's ultimate level, it all starts with the love of yourself.


Smoochez All...Who's Lovin' U?

Ummm...so yeah..

I have simply been MIA. I know, I know. I am trying to stay consistent with the bloggering and stuff, but my life is filled with so many things that are happening, the last thing that I have real time to do is go to sleep. And when I do finally go to sleep I am knocked out for realz. There is a change that is taking place in my life and I can not even tell you how excited and happy I am. Learning about self and appreciating life is in itself a great gift that God has given to everyone who lives and breathes. Some of us find it and unfortunately some of us do not.

I have found that you are not serving someone, helping someone or living your life as an example for those who could probably use your experience to make a change, then you are just existing. Everyday should be a day to do something different. Try yourself out, learn your purpose, then live it. It is amazing when you find out who you truly are. And whether you like yourself or not, it is you, inside and out. There is no hiding from what lies within, and if changes need to be made, then make them.

I am a different kind woman, person, friend, daughter and there have been some life experiences that could have left me a bitter woman if I choose to be. But when you find that God takes you through things to help build up who you are , then you can accept the trials and valleys with little understanding. No matter what hurts, or who have hurt you, you can can rise above it all, because when there is a purpose you must fulfill there are certain things that need to happen before it all can take place. You can not tell anyone about anything that you have not been through yourself. That is how you use your life experiences. It is also how you accept what you cannot change and grow from it. That is what I am experiencing now. I am writing a book, but this book not only comes from my imagination, it also has some personal experiences, things that I would not have been able to write about unless I experienced them.

When you come from a different thread, and the people around you may think that you are depressed or sad because your life does not mirror theirs, it is because God has a different purpose for you. He has choose to use in a different way. It takes a willing and strong person to step back and let it happen. With all that I have been through, with all that I have experienced, there is not a person on the planet that I would trade lives with. My gifts, my life is too unique and is a one of a kind design. I guess what I trying to say is, be you. Do you, and appreciate who you are. Living in falsehood will only bring you misery and confusion. Comparing yourself to others will only allow you to slowly kill the life that God has intended for you. Go out and find yourself, then embrace and love it til' no end.

Peace.......

Single Sisters

This is an age old subject for me and I have been asked on several occasions why am I single. I am educated, intelligent, attractive and have so many other positive qualities why haven't someone snatched me up?
There are several reasons, but I must answer a few just so that you can get a better idea of where I am coming from.
Besides being very complex and easily bored,I am pretty laid back And easy going. I enjoy hanging with friends and being a mom to my teenage daughter. Up until the death of her father I pretty much had the best of both worlds. Although we decided we are better as friends and parents as opposed to lovers, we still spent time together and talked to each other on a regular basis, I grew to value our friendship. We were inseparable. So when it came to dating, I really never took anyone that serious, I was too busy comparing and mostly wanting someone who could also just be a friend, but in the midst of all of that, there was good sex and some good times,and that was probably all that person would become to me. I believe that some men believe that if you make a woman cum then you are more than half way to her heart, I must admit for some that is true if you associate "good sex" with love. But if you are a woman like me, you can enjoy the sex and keep it movin'. If a man throws it out there I just might catch it, but don't expect me to fall head over heels with you. I mean an orgasm only last a few minutes, what good are you after that?
I am also what some men call a "nice" girl and some men try to take that for granted. I can spot an impostor from a mile away, my X taught me that. There is no way you can hide your true intentions with me. The best avenue to take is to be honest, and see what happens. If the timing is right, I just may want an sexual relationship or I might be cool with you having other women, just know that you will not be my only source of energy, I too, may indulge in the options that await. One thing I do not indulge in are married men, single husbands are the worse. You're talking to a woman who the only time that she has been dumped was because the guy thought I was using him for sex. (huh?) I have been engaged twice, but just could not do it, I had to be honest. I have no hang-ups when it comes to men, I love them, I enjoy them, and I admire many from a far. Yes,I have heard all the lines, ran across dudes who I have no idea why they would even think that we should hook up. I had men come up and open their wallets as opposed to their mind, but nothing compares to the real thang!
When it comes to the real stuff that make great relationships there are qualities that tend to attract me that stand out when it comes to the man. His level of attractiveness. I smile when I say that because being attractive to me is all in his swag, his confidence, his stroll, there is nothing like looking at a man from afar and noticing how amazing he is. Timing. Timing is so important. Intelligence, laughter and a sense of purpose. Accountable for his life and not blame his misfortunes on anything or anyone. A father to his children (because family is so important to me), a pleasant person to be around and most of all, a man who knows when he has meet a "woman" ENUFF SAID!
Some people think that I require a lot in the material area , although taking care of yourself is essential and being able to take care of woman is necessary, you do not have to have a fortune, you will attain that once I am by your side.:)
So to answer that question, why am I single? It just has not been the right time for me, and I am a patient girl. I do not rush anything, even though at times it feels so good, I want it all at once, I am taking my time and enjoying the ride along the way. Holla!

Sleepless Night

As I am writing this blog I realize how much time I am not spending writing on it. When I wake up in the morning, there are so many other things that are on my mind that I simply forget to do the things that I love to do. I am writing this book, barely it seems, since there is something else that takes up most of my time. (Some of you may know what that is).

As the night ticks along I drift into thoughts of my High School Reunion in a few months. I am excited to see what age has done to some of us...LOL! From the looks of it, it has not been too kind to some. It's funny how some people can be so handsome in high school then look like lerch now. How the fuck does that happen? Life I guess. And of course for some, time has been like a real good friend. I am wondering who will be my date, or if I even want to take one.

There are a few people that I have in mind, and it all depends on what kind of night I want to have. If I want to have a fun, friendly night, I will take one of my attractive guy "friends", who will make me laugh most of the night. If I want to just be low key and relax and enjoy the atmosphere, then I will take one of my "professional gentleman friends". You know the kind that takes care of a woman, but at the moment scared to get into anything too serious. And if I feel like not being bothered, then I will fly solo, that way I do not have to entertain or babysit anyone, and once the night is ova, it's ova! I am not sure, but what I am sure about is that I will have a good time.

I had a few crushes in high school, but only one love. Even though we have grown up and gone our separate ways, he was the best 1st boyfriend a girl could have,and I can only hope that he is happy with his children and wonderful wife. However, it was not until after him that I began to experience real love. The kind that makes you give like no tomorrow. Love like your life depended on it. It was hard and soft, sweet and sour and at all made sense because we were in love. I have never felt so protected by a man. It was me and him against the world and I loved what he represented and he loved the fact that I was a beautiful, quiet but fierce. I knew my place as his woman, I never needed to play the front, nor was I ever in the back, I was right there beside him, and on any given day if he needed me to step up, I did just that. But he always was the man, and I loved that about him, there was no question about that. That was nothing that needed to be said or made clear, his presence spoke it all. I guess you can say he had major swagger. And as I speak of him right now, I miss him dearly, I know he's watching from heaven, waiting on me.

But until we meet again, I have to continue to live here on earth and take care of the angel of a daughter that was left with me. When I look at her, I understand her, because she is simply a female version of her father. I know there is no man on this planet who could ever compare, but there is one who understands where I am coming from, someone who can get my grip. He definitely has to be a soldier in every way, whether in the board room or in the fields of life, he has to be that man, because I am that woman. And only the true recognize what's true. Not a amateur boxer who's fighting for the title. He already has the title and waiting on his Queen. Here I am...come scoop me up and let's ride......:)

Wondering.....

I used to wonder why people were so concerned about what I do with my life. I often pondered why would anyone care if I date an average joe blow or a man with millions. Since I am not consumed at all with what people do with their life, it all seemed a bit cumbersome for them to be consumed with mine. Then I began to think.

People have expectations. Sometimes a person's expectations have nothing to do with you. I know that because so many have been placed on me. I could have been this, I could have been that. But what people fail to understand is me. I have been placed on such a high pedestal at times, when people must realize that I am a human first, and I do what I want. I was not brought to this earth to please "people", just me.

There is so much more that goes with my life than people know,and I am glad that I was finally able to shut them out. Now I have my own little private heaven. Who cares what people think. I am a very personal and private person and if you are not invited in, you will be left outside the velvet rope....LOL. People who are consumed with another person's life, has nothing going on in their's.

If I were a people pleaser, I would be married to that baller, who was as asshole. Or married to that man who was as weak as a feeble boy. I would have associated myself with people and situations that would have not been conducive to positive behavior. I would be very popular, but very unhappy. I am not one to sit around and indulge in idle chat, that offers no change. I am not the soccer mom, I am a realist and I keep it real with my child. I am not saying that I choose this journey, but this is the journey that has been chosen for me. I am glad that I think with my heart and mind, believe there are better days, and never settle for anything. I see every decision made as a learning experience. You can not tell anyone about anything, if you have not experienced it yourself. God is my captain, so I follow where he leads.

Even though my journey is far from over, I believe that it is not in vain. The tears that I have cried, the sadness I feel for those who are lost in a crowd and in their souls. I will continue to nurture the hope that I carry in me, even on a perfect day. It will all shine through when I think back and be thankful for how far I have come.

So I suggest you all find your happiness and what being alive means to you. Get involved in your own life. There is no job, money, status, or title that can take the place of what you do with your time on earth, especially if you have children. Spread love and not judgement, use your knowledge unselfishly, don't compare yourself to others, if that was the life God intended for you, you would have it, and last but not least, DO YOU! That's where it begans and ends.
Peace and Love Ya'll!

He Loves Me......???????

I have a guy who I consider is one of my best friends. We have known each other for over 20 years and even though we have at some points decided to not speak to each other, we still have remained friends in the time of need.

I have never been attracted to this friend though I love him dearly. There have been some times that I believe that he is in love with me, but the notion of us getting together, is just not something I am intested in, he's just not my type. There have been some things to happen that made me believe that things may be going a little to the left, like once when we went out, a few days later I started receiving these anonymous emails about sex and how much me and this mystery person are a like. Who would do that? Then there are the times that he mentions that we should get together, but laughs it off and says he just playing, he's been "playing" for 20 years.

I've learned over the years to not disclose all of my personal information, he has a tendency to bring up negative things from past relationships and people that I have come across. Even though he has been there for a long time, not all the time, but a long time. I guess any man in his right mind can easily fall in love with an all around girl, I am a great friend and I do not judge. I accept people as they are, and I am incredibly beautiful, educated and irresistible (If I say so myself, wink, wink), so what is there not to love?

My concern is I am thinking of including him in a very personal part of my life. I am not sure if this will intense his feelings for me, or make him obsessive or change towards me. Sometimes men feel like they are entitled to certain things after a certain period of time, I am reconsidering that. I plan on giving the man I care for a permanent position in my life and I want him to be that "everything" me. Maybe I should leave things as is.......until further notice.

Spring

I love the Spring. It is a time of new beginings, fresh starts and getting rid of what's old. I love the fact that my daughter was born in the Spring she gave me a new life. My second daughter will be born in the Summer and she will change my life. I enjoy how the earth naturally gives you and itself what it needs, it's the order of life.

I never thought that after 15 years that I would have another child. I guess somewhere deep I always wanted one, and as you release your thoughts the universe process them into existance. As shocked as I was, I am more than overjoyed. Two girls that will take care of me and each other, spread my love to their children and continue this legacy of love that began with me. For that I am thankful.

I guess you are wondering after all these blogs on singlehood and dating, who could the father be? It is that guy. That long-term guy that I still do not want to marry or get serious with. He's just not worthy. He played his part and here is where the scene closes. Some say so he was good enough to sleep with, have a baby, but not to marry or be with? Yes, he was good at what he did, but light weight in the brain. Superficial on every level, a fun 5 year romp! What else can I say, but be honest with him, you can't turn a lame into a man, and that's that.

Am I worried about finding someone to be with on the long term or committment level? Nah, that area has never been a problem for me, it's just a matter of choosing who will fit that area of my life and be great for my children. My children are the most important aspect of my life. Besides, I am a good girl, (except when I go bad) and there are positive men in my life that are dear and close friends who would make great father figures, uncles and god-fathers, no worries here. The birth of my daughter will just make me more careful about my choices. Take a good look a the whole package as opposed to a part of it. (Even though it may be the part I enjoy the most:).

Smooches

FORGiveNESS

Is it really true what they say about forgiveness?
That in order to move on from past hurts you have to learn how to forgive the people or person that caused you the hurt. But what if that person never acknowledges that they did anything wrong? Living in a sea of denial, or in perpetual jealousy, they don't even remember what comes out of their mouth, so ignorant and emotionally deprived that they know not what they do? All they know is to strike and belittle. Do you become the bigger person and forgive anyway?

The answer to that is yes. Forgiveness can be a long hard road. If you do not the resentment, hate or whatever has you feeling this content, can rob and steal your power. It can set you back to that moment of time that caused the pain over and over again. In order to be free you have to release the pain, let go, empower yourself and recognize people in their true form and deal with them accordingly.

I do not think it's the same as turning the other cheek. It is making a decision to not let someone else's lack of compassion become your fault. It's making a decision that, yes, you hurt me, but you do not own me! You will not dictate the way I live my life. I will thrive, live and continue to love those that deserve it and continue to give with a kind hear. Love those that are sincere and who has a true interest in your happiness. Know the real from the imposter's. Believe me folks, they do exist, and sometimes they come with gifts.

I can tell you about a few self righteous people that have past through my life. They thought they had all the answers when they had none. Hungry for validation from so many outside sources, when their insides are torn and infested with insecurities. So in turn they tried to invalidate me. And yes, at times I was hurt in the process, but I was not broken. There is a higher power that lives in me, it gives me strength, helps me to persevere.  It's been there since I was a child. My power comes from the pit of my soul. So I overcame, I forgave and I moved on.  The great news is, we all have that power.

I am not sure how those people who spread hate, poison minds with untruths' and spread vicious gossip sleep at night; or even if they do for that matter.  How do the weary rest?  They try to mask happiness with overeating, alcohol, popping pills or whatever else that does not allow them to recognize how shitty they really are. Hiding behind empty titles, behind a desk, fighting for a empty cause. It's a sad way to be.

My advice is to not let those that dish out hate and disparity become your weight. Those that have caused you pain, let them be, forgive, but never forget what has made you stronger. Rise above what is being thrown and become more than expected. Those same people who do not recognize how screwed up they are, will still be in the same place, alone in a crowded room, with their minds to remind them of who they really are.

Peace & Love Ya'll

Love & Happiness

As I replay Love & Happiness by Al Green in my mind, I can remember when my mom and her sisters used to blast that song so loud that they thought they were in concert. They would sing the words as if they wrote them, "Love will make you do right, Love will make you do wrong"...Those were the words that echoed throughout my grandmother's house in the swamps of Mississippi. It was my first introduction to what love could be, what it was, what it could do, and who was lovin' who.

Along with Al Green, was Marvin Gaye, Aretha Franklin, Lenny Williams and many other great true R & B artists that expressed the sound of love. Love meant something and if you had experienced it in any kind of way, you could feel every word. If you were not taking care of your woman it was guaranteed that someone else would. If you were out cheatin', or involved in a love/Hate relationship, then you were guaranteed to eventually meet your maker; either be by hot grits or a hot bullet. Marraige meant 'til death do us part". Love was serious, you stayed not strayed.

When I think of the love relationships of now compared to the relationships of then. There is simply no comparison. I am not sure what has the divorce rate so high, Could it be marrying for the wrong reasons? No real committment? She looked good, but couldn't cook? He was good in bed, but bad as a father or friend? Heavy in the pockets, but light weight in the brains? I don't know. Someone said that now that number seems to be going down. I say, who leaves during an economic crisis? It's cheaper to keep her. Ever hear of the couple who are divorced but are forced to live with each other because of financial reasons? How many of us are staying in a marraige for that same reason?

The love songs are even not as strong or as meaningful as they used to. You have the Neo's, damn, I can't even think of anyone else. I am sure they are out there and it is probably what my daughter is listening to. I am glad I am raising her to know the difference between what is real and what is not. Which is why I also introduce her to Jill Scott, Raheem Devine, Amy Winehouse, Laila Hathaway, Dwele, Kem, The Brand New Heavies and new artist Anthony David. Those are just a few artist that represent real love. They make music you can feel and appreciate. Music that takes me almost back to my grandmother's house. I say almost because there is nothing like soul music, old blues that is heard among friends who can relate. Music that makes you move and shake 'em, make love all night, then breakfast lunch and dinner. You never want to leave the rhythm that the music of love creates.

Now What?

As we enter into the third month of the year and the 3rd year of this down fall of an economy there seems to be a quiet change that is taking place for the good. If you listen to the news then you are being programmed to believe that this situation is getting worse, there is no hope, there is no way. But if you know what I know, you will know that we are a resilient people. Some of us are not suffering as much as our counterparts because we have been there and done that, even before this "recession".

Life sometimes throw us curve balls, to see if we are paying attention. We could miss,strike out or we can knock the ball out the park. Unfortunately, some of us stay in perpetual sleep mode. The walking dead, the happiest unhappy people in the world. They never miss anything, but they miss the point. So they remain sleep, constantly hitting the snooze button and never really waking up.

Maybe you know someone like that, maybe you are that person. Whatever the case may be, please understand, just like any other mishap that life throws it can become an opportunity to make the necessary changes that you have long neglected. It maybe your push to go in the right direction. If you are a negative person, you will never see the beauty of change, whether forced or intentionally made, it happens with or without you.

So in all that, my point is do something!

We are in one of what appears to be the hardest economic crisis ever, but so what! Do you! You are not dead and the world is not ending, atleast not yet. Do not be crusified by your situation, make a daring move, be brave and take a risk,I know I am, and I cannot wait to see what happens....

Love

As the rain has been coming down here in the bay for the last few days, it makes me realize how the earth is very capable of taking care of itself. How it naturally without warning or permission gives itself what it needs.

Thats how I feel about love.


LOVE

Love the eternal blood that drains from my body to yours.
The unstoppable gratification of giving this gift and receiving it back wholeheartedly

I Love you.
How many ways can I say it, show it, so that you know it

I Love you as I love the sun that kisses my skin
I Love you as I love the breath I take each day
That is willfully given to me by God

I Love you as I love strawberries and cream
Pecans with my ice cream
Both I enjoy to the fullest, but you I enjoy even more

Cause one bite of you leads to another and another and another.......

I will continue to water our soil that planted this seed
As we grow like vines, intertwined and intermixed
Growing as one.

Hey Ya!

Yes I know it's been a cool minute, but I have been busy concentrating on completing this book and a few smaller projects. Please continue to read my stuff and I will definitely update the latest when I can.

So much has happened! So much that I am excited about....Since I am a very personal personal person. I like to keep things that are dear to me close, I am not sure if I want to share the latest, but as I sink into my thought process in order to make a decision, the best will still be posted.


Smooches, Jolie