The *uck Stops Here!

For the last four years I had one of the most craziest affairs ever. It was an affair with a man who was very attractive, kind and from time to time a bit Corny. He made me laugh, had incredible sex and was always there when I needed some.

When I meet him, I had just broken off my engagement. He was the longest rebound relationship that anyone could ever have. There is one thing you do not do in a rebound relationship and that is fall in love. Because when your heart mends, your vision gets clear and your swag comes back, you'll soon find that all you had was a rebound relationship,and God forbid if you just happen to get married.

Let me paint a clearer picture of this relationship and why it had to end. During this four year period, it was not all consistently. We would see each other mostly when we wanted to have sex. The first poetry piece that I wrote him, indicated that this "affair" would come to an abrupt end to which nor he or I would expect. I knew then exactly what I was getting into. Which brings me back to a conversation that a co-worker and I was having four years prior. She had been in a relationship for about three years and even though she was currently happy with her beau,she knew that she would never marry him. At the time, I thought, then why spend so much time with this man, what's the purpose? Fast forward four years and now I know.

There are some men who serve a certain purpose in your life for a period of time. Like any relationship that starts, it can also come to an end. The thing that brought you together is no longer required so it's time to move on. This man was who I saw between little relationships that I had here and there. Like the dick you keep in the glass case and break in case of an emergency. Except, I broke the case along time ago, so now I just grab it. Although I have not been in a committed relationship in a while, I always found my way back to his bed. That's all I wanted then and that was all I was getting now. Until one day it dawned on me, that I wanted more from a relationship and in order to get that I would have to cut off all the strings that I had with people who had "served their purpose". Normally, I would not cut a person off this way, but since we really never took the time to become friends, in my mind all I was cutting off was his dick. (No pun intended) There was the expression of love every now and then, but having love "for" is definitely different than being in love. So when it was time for me to completely free myself from the willing chains that this man seemed to have on my "tinkerbell" it was not as easy as I thought. There were several levels to this departure.

The first level was telling him. Like most men, he heard what he wanted to hear. In his mind what I said I did not mean and I just needed sometime. Two weeks went by, and yes I was back in his bed. Sweating, panting, loving what he's doing to me as if I never said anything at all.

The second level was telling him again. Another few weeks went by, and in one of my drunken stumpers, called him and came over after a night of partying. That time was a matter of convenience. And being made love to, until I felt like I ran a marathon was the convenience fee.

The third and final level, was telling him again this time in person. Although we ended up making love again, this time he said something that completely threw me off. While he flipped me over and laid it on me from the back he whispered softly in my ear, "I will always fuck you, even when you get married". At that very moment all the excitement left of my body. I knew then that this was indeed the last rump in the hay. Did he really think that I would forsake my vows to come over and let him take part in my tinkerbell that was not even his tinkerbell in the first place? Ahhhh hell to the naw! Nobody got off that night. I looked him in the eyes and said, you think so?

That was the last time I saw him. I stopped answering his phone calls, and text messages. He's probably still wondering what happened, it's not like he was not warned. If you ever find yourself in a relationship that is no longer making you completely happy, then move on. There is no need to keep at something that is not worth keeping at. Even if it is just sex, money, or his freaky fetish, whatever your motivation for being in the relationship is, if it's not working, don't compromise your happiness. But if you want a relationship that is worthwhile, it's better to become friends first, take your time to get to know him or her, real love will follow when you're ready.

LOVE RULES

Loyalty

Sometimes I wonder if men are more loyal in their friendships than women. I have many friends on several different levels that I keep in contact with. There are those childhood friends, college buddies and those that you may meet as you become as adult. You may have a few things in common (i.e job, kids, other friends) and you bond.

I have found that my childhood friends have been the most loyal. I did have a male childhood friend whom I thought was my friend, but he had a brain malfunction and thought it was cool to try to exploit me into having sex with him, so you know what happened to him....Anyway.

But it makes me think. The male relationship is somewhat different from the females. From what I have seen, heard and experienced, the male seems to stay around for the long haul. They are more forgiving and forgetful and tend to maintain the relationship through girlfriends, wives, lovers, mothers and whomever crosses the path of these bonded men. Whereas, women can get ticked off by their female friend and depending on the degree of her madness never speak to their girlfriend again.

I know we change and grow and so do friends. But when it comes to the male on male friendship, women just don't compare. For example, a male in a drunken stumper may wake up to his friend fingering him in the ass, or whispering sweet nothings in his ear, and still remain friends in the morning, like nothing happened. Whereas, a female in a drunken stumper may kiss and fondle her best friend and wake up and they never speak again. Where's the love? Is it the people or the gender?

If a girl cheats on her boyfriend with the best friend, the girl has to go, whereas, if a male cheats on his girlfriend with the best friend, then she has to go, and vice-versa. (You wit me?) What is that about? (I know you have seen those Jerry Springer episodes, I am not making this up.) Where is the loyalty to each other women? We are our strongest alliance.

Now I know there are some girlfriends who would drop a dude in a second if he played that friend game, or if some misunderstanding occurred and you disagreed,you still remained friends, but how often does that happen? I remember once I had a best friend and a boyfriend and one accused the other of trying to sleep with one another. I was of course hurt and confused. Who do I trust? It was brought to me by my girlfriend, but my boyfriend wanted to get us all together and discuss the matter (unusual, I know) but my best friend was not having it. She thought that I should just believe her right off and dump the loser and move on. Me being in love, didn't trust either. Mind you, she had took off her shirt the night before, which gave him an idea of what he might be getting if he were to pursue that. (There were other elements in the picture but, why bother) And of course, he tried, I guess. My point is we never were best friends after that. How could I trust either of them. He turned out to be an asshole and basically so did she. Despite both of their short comings, we remained friends, until both relationships kind of fizzled off, But hey, I did my part as a friend.

Is it because women are more emotional, we take things to the heart, in cases where men can deal with them better? I am not sure. Whatever the case, I know that I am a friend until the end. Whether you are homosexual, bi, tri or even transgender, crazy, missing a tooth, or just plain lame, there is nothing but love that flows from this body. I guess that's why I receive so much love in return. Part of being a good friend is acceptance. Accept that you are not perfect and neither are they.(I was not born with this knowledge, I learned it along the way.)

Loyalty- unswerving in allegiance: as a: faithful in allegiance to one's lawful sovereign or government b: faithful to a private person to whom fidelity is due c: faithful to a cause, ideal, custom, institution, or product

Women try being better friends to each other, try loving your sister a little more. Even through your shit, try appreciating something that may be greater than you.

Fever in the Winter Pg. 4

At that time I had no idea about boys, I was a tom boy myself. I played sports, I fought with them and ran with them. I had a few Friends that were girls, but they were only good for sleep overs. But then I meet David. David was a singer in the church choir. He was tall and somewhat of a mystery. He had brothers and sisters he was the oldest like myself. He was also about 22 years old at the time. I did not understand the age difference,all I know that each time he sang in church no matter what he was singing, he was singing to me.

He had the most beautiful voice I ever heard. I now looked forward to going to church just to see him. There was no way that I could have this man call my house. He was a grown man, and that would not sit well with anyone. I had to figure out a way to see him outside of church. We would see each other in passing and at church functions, and he would give me a hand shake and a kiss on the forehead. That was the most annoying thing ever. My virgin self wanted him to kiss my lips and hold me close, I guess he too knew his limitations. I choose this man to be my first, but how and when this would happen I just didn't know.

David had a brother named Johnathan who liked me a lot and was closer to my age, he would be my scapegoat. I would make him my boyfriend, just so I could see David. I would pretend to like Johnathan. That may have been a mean thing to do. considering that Johnathan really did like me, I knew that his heartbreak was inevitable. I knew that one day he would find out my intentions, but it was not about him, it was about me and David, so I had to do what I had to do.

This affair with David went on for many years. He never had sex with me, but he did do other things that brought me great pleasure. We would sneak and see each other where ever he was, he would let me know. David went on to become a great R& B singer, he had many hits. Whenever he was home, he would call and we would get together and do what we always did. That was the theme of our relationship, until David told me one day that he was in love with me. I never quite understood what that meant. I am 20 and he is 28. Although by this time, I had lost my virginity, fell in love, and even experienced heart break, I was not ready for him to love me that way. I wanted to continue what we had done for the last six years. He cheated on girlfriends to be with me, he lied to his family because of me,and I did not want to enter a relationship with a man who I was only fond of.

Friends & Lovers....

There is nothing more exciting than the topic of love, who we love,and how we love them, but more importantly, how we love ourselves. How we love ourselves determines the kind of person we attract and choose to love, I call it mirror emotion.

Everybody wants to be loved. Yes, that my folks, is as natural as breathing. Tell me a person who does not want to be wanted and feel the touch of another that reciprocates the love that they are giving, and I'll show you a corpse.

But at what cost are we willing to give unconditionally, love with no judgements, take on the personality of the opposite sex and supply them with something that once they get, they do not want to let go. It's magical once it happens, it's spiritual with no religion. It takes on it's own form, and once you are captured you will always remember, always long for it, and always know when to let it go.

I have loved many in my time, but no two people the same. When I think back, I love the hardest when I was younger. I never had any problems with committing, and being monogamous, but I attracted people who did. Even then, I knew cheating was more about them, then me, so when the choice to walk away became clear, I did it and did not look back. I moved on, and moved them in the "friend" box. I always toyed with the idea that at any given moment, I could get back with them, or have sex with them, but I failed to exercise that choice in the beginning. There have been few that got lucky, (I tell you being a horney woman has it pitfalls), but it happened nonetheless, and it kind of goes back to the X-factor, you remember why you left and blah, blah, blah.

Anyway, back to love. I am a loved woman. There are a few people who will love me for the rest of their lives. I have many friends and sometimes think of rekindling with one, but I am always moving forward, increasing my stock, and becoming an even more incredible woman, friend, mother and lover, because when I do fall in love again,and I will, this man will be loved until he can't take no more, he won't believe it, because that is how I feel about myself, that is how I love myself. We will be friends and lovers.

I have these crushes on men who I admire, I love to boy watch. It makes me feel so girlie. I like to look at a man in action, rather he is jogging, working, walking, talking, sleeping, eating, I revel in their amazement, their imperfections, their strive. I enjoy the company of a man with intelligence. Someone who I can converse with about anything, teach me something, talk shit and then beat me in a game of pool, that to me is the best foreplay.

When you have that mirror emotion, you are attracting another person that has some part of your image. Sometimes we attract people who gives us a hard time, people with addictions, people who are emotionally detached, it is because at some point we were those people. We could relate, we have subconsciously invited them in, because either we have never really dealt with those issues, or we feel that we can help people with those issues. Then love enters. When we are complete, then we attract that other complete person to add to our happiness. I must say love can come at any time, even we are not completely complete. Having that person can make the love even more special, because here is a person that will put up with you shit until you become the man or woman you are suppose to be....nice.

At times love clouds the vision and makes the heart more subtible to accepting things that we normally would not. After 3 to 6 months our vision may be cleared then we realize that the image we created about this person was not who we thought, now the "real" person has arrived and we gotta' go!

With that being said, when searching for love, first start with yourself, then become friends. Although sexual attraction can cause us to jump into the sac before we really need to, try putting that on the back burner, do something different this time. Having the kind of love you want in your life begins with having a clear idea about you. Create the kind of love what you want, and watch it unfold right before your eyes.

Love, Love and Love again......

Wankster!!

To the lame ass creep that keeps sending me these sexually charged emails, and making all these comments about his libido, inviting me to ride his pony, please stop.

I am not sure how well you know me or if you know me at all, but to say that I would want you if I knew who you were, and to not tell me who you are is quite lame and stupid. And it's making you look like a real psycho. I am positive you are not someone from my inner circle, and most likely someone who is on the outside looking in. (That is why folks I never tell anybody all that is going on in your personal life, keep some to yourself). You get someone like this creep trying to tell you about yourself when in turn you know who you told just enough to narrow them down and know who they are.

There are very few lame's that I know and since you have decided to rear your ugly little head up, I can only think that this is the one and only person who has wanted me since I was 15 years old. I have always known you to be a little twisted and your emails have proved it.

I am a bit sad for you because this is what you have resulted to, well it was not my fault that your girl left you for another man. She found out something and had to switch things up. Try running another football team in the bay area, maybe you will run across a better taste in women.

Your type usually ends up lonely and paying for whatever services they can get from a young girl, you are right, being a sugar daddy is definitely in your future.

Thank You

Thank you to all the people that made me their favorite blogger on verveearth.com. I appreciate you reading and enjoying my stuff.


Jolie Labelle

Stolen (Poem)

My heart has been torn out from the bottom.......
And there was no way I could stop him.

I wanted what he gave, I became his emotional slave
How could I have been so blind? You got one this time.

Ya, see I am usually on my toe's when it comes to average joe's, but this
brotha' I bought everything he sold,
And I can't even tell you what it was

But when it came, it felt like a force
A feelin' that I never wanted to divorce

He made me sick. And I loved it.
I craved him and thought of things and moments to come, I was lost and it
felt so good.......at first.

He was just what I liked, conscious brotha', knowledgeable of everything that moved the planet. His heritage, and culture, his pain, his struggle, I was feelin' him

An intellect, ya' see, I prefer a mind fuck, over a fuck, but who the fuck was he?

A mystery that I wanted more of.
An unpredictable and yet so wonderfully made specimen.
But had I been played?

Nah, of course not. As I sit here thinking of moments past, and how love knocked me on my ass.

I loved every moment.
Just as the sun makes no excuses for having to set, with love & war there are no regrets.

LLW