Loyalty

Sometimes I wonder if men are more loyal in their friendships than women. I have many friends on several different levels that I keep in contact with. There are those childhood friends, college buddies and those that you may meet as you become as adult. You may have a few things in common (i.e job, kids, other friends) and you bond.

I have found that my childhood friends have been the most loyal. I did have a male childhood friend whom I thought was my friend, but he had a brain malfunction and thought it was cool to try to exploit me into having sex with him, so you know what happened to him....Anyway.

But it makes me think. The male relationship is somewhat different from the females. From what I have seen, heard and experienced, the male seems to stay around for the long haul. They are more forgiving and forgetful and tend to maintain the relationship through girlfriends, wives, lovers, mothers and whomever crosses the path of these bonded men. Whereas, women can get ticked off by their female friend and depending on the degree of her madness never speak to their girlfriend again.

I know we change and grow and so do friends. But when it comes to the male on male friendship, women just don't compare. For example, a male in a drunken stumper may wake up to his friend fingering him in the ass, or whispering sweet nothings in his ear, and still remain friends in the morning, like nothing happened. Whereas, a female in a drunken stumper may kiss and fondle her best friend and wake up and they never speak again. Where's the love? Is it the people or the gender?

If a girl cheats on her boyfriend with the best friend, the girl has to go, whereas, if a male cheats on his girlfriend with the best friend, then she has to go, and vice-versa. (You wit me?) What is that about? (I know you have seen those Jerry Springer episodes, I am not making this up.) Where is the loyalty to each other women? We are our strongest alliance.

Now I know there are some girlfriends who would drop a dude in a second if he played that friend game, or if some misunderstanding occurred and you disagreed,you still remained friends, but how often does that happen? I remember once I had a best friend and a boyfriend and one accused the other of trying to sleep with one another. I was of course hurt and confused. Who do I trust? It was brought to me by my girlfriend, but my boyfriend wanted to get us all together and discuss the matter (unusual, I know) but my best friend was not having it. She thought that I should just believe her right off and dump the loser and move on. Me being in love, didn't trust either. Mind you, she had took off her shirt the night before, which gave him an idea of what he might be getting if he were to pursue that. (There were other elements in the picture but, why bother) And of course, he tried, I guess. My point is we never were best friends after that. How could I trust either of them. He turned out to be an asshole and basically so did she. Despite both of their short comings, we remained friends, until both relationships kind of fizzled off, But hey, I did my part as a friend.

Is it because women are more emotional, we take things to the heart, in cases where men can deal with them better? I am not sure. Whatever the case, I know that I am a friend until the end. Whether you are homosexual, bi, tri or even transgender, crazy, missing a tooth, or just plain lame, there is nothing but love that flows from this body. I guess that's why I receive so much love in return. Part of being a good friend is acceptance. Accept that you are not perfect and neither are they.(I was not born with this knowledge, I learned it along the way.)

Loyalty- unswerving in allegiance: as a: faithful in allegiance to one's lawful sovereign or government b: faithful to a private person to whom fidelity is due c: faithful to a cause, ideal, custom, institution, or product

Women try being better friends to each other, try loving your sister a little more. Even through your shit, try appreciating something that may be greater than you.

Fever in the Winter Pg. 4

At that time I had no idea about boys, I was a tom boy myself. I played sports, I fought with them and ran with them. I had a few Friends that were girls, but they were only good for sleep overs. But then I meet David. David was a singer in the church choir. He was tall and somewhat of a mystery. He had brothers and sisters he was the oldest like myself. He was also about 22 years old at the time. I did not understand the age difference,all I know that each time he sang in church no matter what he was singing, he was singing to me.

He had the most beautiful voice I ever heard. I now looked forward to going to church just to see him. There was no way that I could have this man call my house. He was a grown man, and that would not sit well with anyone. I had to figure out a way to see him outside of church. We would see each other in passing and at church functions, and he would give me a hand shake and a kiss on the forehead. That was the most annoying thing ever. My virgin self wanted him to kiss my lips and hold me close, I guess he too knew his limitations. I choose this man to be my first, but how and when this would happen I just didn't know.

David had a brother named Johnathan who liked me a lot and was closer to my age, he would be my scapegoat. I would make him my boyfriend, just so I could see David. I would pretend to like Johnathan. That may have been a mean thing to do. considering that Johnathan really did like me, I knew that his heartbreak was inevitable. I knew that one day he would find out my intentions, but it was not about him, it was about me and David, so I had to do what I had to do.

This affair with David went on for many years. He never had sex with me, but he did do other things that brought me great pleasure. We would sneak and see each other where ever he was, he would let me know. David went on to become a great R& B singer, he had many hits. Whenever he was home, he would call and we would get together and do what we always did. That was the theme of our relationship, until David told me one day that he was in love with me. I never quite understood what that meant. I am 20 and he is 28. Although by this time, I had lost my virginity, fell in love, and even experienced heart break, I was not ready for him to love me that way. I wanted to continue what we had done for the last six years. He cheated on girlfriends to be with me, he lied to his family because of me,and I did not want to enter a relationship with a man who I was only fond of.

Friends & Lovers....

There is nothing more exciting than the topic of love, who we love,and how we love them, but more importantly, how we love ourselves. How we love ourselves determines the kind of person we attract and choose to love, I call it mirror emotion.

Everybody wants to be loved. Yes, that my folks, is as natural as breathing. Tell me a person who does not want to be wanted and feel the touch of another that reciprocates the love that they are giving, and I'll show you a corpse.

But at what cost are we willing to give unconditionally, love with no judgements, take on the personality of the opposite sex and supply them with something that once they get, they do not want to let go. It's magical once it happens, it's spiritual with no religion. It takes on it's own form, and once you are captured you will always remember, always long for it, and always know when to let it go.

I have loved many in my time, but no two people the same. When I think back, I love the hardest when I was younger. I never had any problems with committing, and being monogamous, but I attracted people who did. Even then, I knew cheating was more about them, then me, so when the choice to walk away became clear, I did it and did not look back. I moved on, and moved them in the "friend" box. I always toyed with the idea that at any given moment, I could get back with them, or have sex with them, but I failed to exercise that choice in the beginning. There have been few that got lucky, (I tell you being a horney woman has it pitfalls), but it happened nonetheless, and it kind of goes back to the X-factor, you remember why you left and blah, blah, blah.

Anyway, back to love. I am a loved woman. There are a few people who will love me for the rest of their lives. I have many friends and sometimes think of rekindling with one, but I am always moving forward, increasing my stock, and becoming an even more incredible woman, friend, mother and lover, because when I do fall in love again,and I will, this man will be loved until he can't take no more, he won't believe it, because that is how I feel about myself, that is how I love myself. We will be friends and lovers.

I have these crushes on men who I admire, I love to boy watch. It makes me feel so girlie. I like to look at a man in action, rather he is jogging, working, walking, talking, sleeping, eating, I revel in their amazement, their imperfections, their strive. I enjoy the company of a man with intelligence. Someone who I can converse with about anything, teach me something, talk shit and then beat me in a game of pool, that to me is the best foreplay.

When you have that mirror emotion, you are attracting another person that has some part of your image. Sometimes we attract people who gives us a hard time, people with addictions, people who are emotionally detached, it is because at some point we were those people. We could relate, we have subconsciously invited them in, because either we have never really dealt with those issues, or we feel that we can help people with those issues. Then love enters. When we are complete, then we attract that other complete person to add to our happiness. I must say love can come at any time, even we are not completely complete. Having that person can make the love even more special, because here is a person that will put up with you shit until you become the man or woman you are suppose to be....nice.

At times love clouds the vision and makes the heart more subtible to accepting things that we normally would not. After 3 to 6 months our vision may be cleared then we realize that the image we created about this person was not who we thought, now the "real" person has arrived and we gotta' go!

With that being said, when searching for love, first start with yourself, then become friends. Although sexual attraction can cause us to jump into the sac before we really need to, try putting that on the back burner, do something different this time. Having the kind of love you want in your life begins with having a clear idea about you. Create the kind of love what you want, and watch it unfold right before your eyes.

Love, Love and Love again......

Wankster!!

To the lame ass creep that keeps sending me these sexually charged emails, and making all these comments about his libido, inviting me to ride his pony, please stop.

I am not sure how well you know me or if you know me at all, but to say that I would want you if I knew who you were, and to not tell me who you are is quite lame and stupid. And it's making you look like a real psycho. I am positive you are not someone from my inner circle, and most likely someone who is on the outside looking in. (That is why folks I never tell anybody all that is going on in your personal life, keep some to yourself). You get someone like this creep trying to tell you about yourself when in turn you know who you told just enough to narrow them down and know who they are.

There are very few lame's that I know and since you have decided to rear your ugly little head up, I can only think that this is the one and only person who has wanted me since I was 15 years old. I have always known you to be a little twisted and your emails have proved it.

I am a bit sad for you because this is what you have resulted to, well it was not my fault that your girl left you for another man. She found out something and had to switch things up. Try running another football team in the bay area, maybe you will run across a better taste in women.

Your type usually ends up lonely and paying for whatever services they can get from a young girl, you are right, being a sugar daddy is definitely in your future.

Thank You

Thank you to all the people that made me their favorite blogger on verveearth.com. I appreciate you reading and enjoying my stuff.


Jolie Labelle

Stolen (Poem)

My heart has been torn out from the bottom.......
And there was no way I could stop him.

I wanted what he gave, I became his emotional slave
How could I have been so blind? You got one this time.

Ya, see I am usually on my toe's when it comes to average joe's, but this
brotha' I bought everything he sold,
And I can't even tell you what it was

But when it came, it felt like a force
A feelin' that I never wanted to divorce

He made me sick. And I loved it.
I craved him and thought of things and moments to come, I was lost and it
felt so good.......at first.

He was just what I liked, conscious brotha', knowledgeable of everything that moved the planet. His heritage, and culture, his pain, his struggle, I was feelin' him

An intellect, ya' see, I prefer a mind fuck, over a fuck, but who the fuck was he?

A mystery that I wanted more of.
An unpredictable and yet so wonderfully made specimen.
But had I been played?

Nah, of course not. As I sit here thinking of moments past, and how love knocked me on my ass.

I loved every moment.
Just as the sun makes no excuses for having to set, with love & war there are no regrets.

LLW

Fever In The Winter pg. 3

My mother was on her third marriage. Though she never married my father, she managed to marry the other three kids father's. We looked like the rainbow coalition. I was the oldest and the only child that actually looked like my mother, who was quite a beautiful woman. A man once told me that I looked just like my mother, and to be proud, Because no matter what age you I become, I would always be a beautiful woman, then he bought me some ice cream and asked for a kiss. I never understood why she let me go with that stranger. There were a lot of things my mother did that I did not understand, but understanding would come soon enough.

I had 2 brothers and one sister, and they all looked like their father's. It was Rahim, Kevin and Pearl. Rahim was dark skinned, and so handsome. I used to tell him he was one step from being a girl, he was so pretty. Kevin was the nerd, you could not pull him away from a book. He had that nerd walk, that small nerd head, and those little nerd glasses. It's something that makes you wonder in the nerd gene pool, there is one gene that makes this kind of person,.. It is in all races and they can be picked from anywhere. Everyone knows a nerd when they see one. And I loved them. My brother because of his avid reading and supreme intelligence, made me appreciate the kind. Reading was his passion. I believe that's how he coped with all the terror that was in our surroundings. The only time you would a get anything out of him, is when you were messin' with one of his books. You could take an eye from him, but as long as he had another to read with, he was alright. The world was a good place.

Then there was Pearl. She was the only child who was tri-racial. Her dad was Irish, Latin and black. I always thought it was nice to know what other races you may have in you, but when it comes to just having even a drop of black, at the end of the day, that is what society saw you as, black. She was a beauty, at three years old, she was something to be reckoned with. She had the biggest green eyes, they cold melt an iceberg. I was 13 when my mother brought her into this world, I loved her and she was my baby too.

We were a family, who went to church every Sunday, Wednesday and Saturday for choir rehearsal. I went to that church for 13 years and the choir director never could pronounce my name right. Manacia (Ma-na-sha) Michelle Jones. She called me everything but that. It annoyed me heavily to hear my name mispronounced for so many years. I really thought this woman was retarded, so after a few times correcting her, I gave up. She didn't want to pronounce it right. If you don't get if after three years, then you are definitely needed on the yellow bus.

Sunday's were filled with the usual stuff. Sunday school, service, dinner and back to church to get the rest of what God didn't give you during the last few services. It was always fascinating to watch Sis. Goodman jump all over the church like she was running hurdles. Every Sunday at about 1:15, Brother Carter would start speaking in tongues, then his wife would follow shortly after, the the kids. Jumping all in a circle as if to do some kind of tribal family chant. They were strange, but no one said nothing about it. They all must have thought it was an act of God.

After all the excitement, the beating of the tambourines, drums and organ. The church would become quiet and the tone would calm to a whisper. The preacher would get up and ask if anyone was ready to give themselves over to God. Everyone would sit there waiting to see who would go first, and for some reason it's always that brother who wears the three-piece tangerine colored suit, who probably just came from the club. He would get in line with his Jerri curl soaked collar. He looked as if he had just run straight from hell into the church line. Sweating profusely, like he knew if he did not come and get in line, God would surely strike him dead. But on every Sunday, God would forgive him for another week.

Going to church was tiring, but it was the only social life I had. It would also be the first place that I realized that I was a different kind of child. Life was blooming and I was changing. Church was like watching reality TV, live and you knew every character personally, it would also be where I find a love that was unforbidden.

Psyche....You Creep!

Whoooaaahhh What a Weekend!

First and foremost I like to apologize to all the people whose events I was not able to attend. I decided to go with the events with people who I have not seen in a while, and enjoy the vibe of people who are artsy and creative like myself. What a great choice.

I even slipped up and spent time with an old beau, and had some incredible sex, since I am not really sleeping with the guy I "really" like, it seemed appropriate. Now I can go back to ignoring him, now that I remember his purpose in my life. The night kind of reminds me of a comment that was said when I was out with the married female species,"You try this and you try that, there's no stability". My dear, that's the joy of being single, you can try a lot of different things, I prefer this method, as opposed to waiting until I am married to find out that the person I am fucking outside my marriage is not quite right for me.....duh! Some things need to be figured out before marriage. So again, I am taking my sweet little time to take that walk of fame. I am enjoying every moment of my single hood. There is so much love...I mean everywhere.

Anyway, I went out to a club in San Francisco, why I thought this was an upscale older joint, I don't know. But once I was there I realized that I was at the "just turned 21 and I am going to wear my skirt up my ass club". Of course, I looked my gorgeous self, (It's almost a shame that I fit in so well just by my looks alone, the universe has definitely been kind to me). Anyway, I made the best of the latest hip hop music that was being played, until I was elbowed in the back by some chick who was popping around like she was on fire. (I mean was that a dance?) I could have yanked her some sense, but then she would have probably just upgraded to stupid. This brod was retarted, so I pardoned her and moved over to the other side of the floor.

After one drink and an hour, we were outta there, quick, fast and a hurry.

The weekend entailed hitting up a few other bars and meeting friends and having drinks, had a great time and partied my ass off. However, I do have a few words of advice for those men that stand around looking like suspects. It is still kind of weird to me to see a bunch of guys standing around in these buddy packs. Like little groups, just standing around as if they were shit waiting on flies. You might as well hold hands. Where is the confidence? Did you bring your friend so you can dance with him? I am tellin' you, you all look like couple's going out for the first time. Stop that shit, grow some balls and approach a beautiful woman for once or an ugly one if it makes you feel better. (Ok, I should not say that, all women are beautiful at some point). Unless, you are there with your boyfriend, your down-low lover, or your potna' that gives you an occasional blow job, don't be afraid to just talk to a woman, we are just the mother's of the earth, the beginning of all creation, the gift that keeps on giving, I can go on, but I am sure you get my point.


Smooches

Living On Purpose

You are not blessed on how much you know. You can read a thousand books, get 18 degrees, God looks at your heart. God looks at how much you have given to human kind, how you have served him and others.

Whatever it is that makes one person look down on another person has to do with the state of mind of the person looking down. The person looking up will always go where he needs to go, and be what he needs to be despite who's looking.

Every obstacle you are faced with helps to change your state of mind. A state is a temporary condition; your faith determines how you will get through it, God determines the condition.

Loving yourself is essential to loving others. You cannot get fresh water from a dry well. Love is like water to all human kind. The benefits of having it, knowing it, feeling it is insurmountable to any other emotion.

Love, Love and More Love

I think I fall in love everyday.

Everyday I see something that touches me, and makes me feel so wonderful inside
that I fall in love

I love the feeling that I get when I look at a flower and wonder at it's amazing journey to greet my eyes
The smell of it, the color, the touch, I fall in love with it's uniqueness and relish in it's power to make people glow.

I love to watch children play. It's like there is nothing more wonderful than to hear their laughter and joy. They seem to have mastered the art of happiness and they share it with all of their friends, giving with no thought.

I love the way the wind blows when the still air has become too hot. It comes right at the perfect moment to cool my body and to catch my hair in it's flow. Then it passes without ever saying goodbye, never knowing when it will return again, I don't care when it will return because I am caught up in the love of what it has done for me at that moment.

I am in love with me. I love the way I get on my nerves and talk to myself when I am bad. I love the confusion that my brains give me, when there is a decision to be made. I love my options, I love my moles, I love the way my beauty mark sits on my lip, so perfect. I love the shape of my eyes and what they do when you look deep into them. I love that I cannot hide my emotions, I love being a surprise to myself and others. I love the fact that I am perfect in his eyes, even more so than my own. I am completely and unconditionally in love with being me.