Fever In The Winter pg. 3

My mother was on her third marriage. Though she never married my father, she managed to marry the other three kids father's. We looked like the rainbow coalition. I was the oldest and the only child that actually looked like my mother, who was quite a beautiful woman. A man once told me that I looked just like my mother, and to be proud, Because no matter what age you I become, I would always be a beautiful woman, then he bought me some ice cream and asked for a kiss. I never understood why she let me go with that stranger. There were a lot of things my mother did that I did not understand, but understanding would come soon enough.

I had 2 brothers and one sister, and they all looked like their father's. It was Rahim, Kevin and Pearl. Rahim was dark skinned, and so handsome. I used to tell him he was one step from being a girl, he was so pretty. Kevin was the nerd, you could not pull him away from a book. He had that nerd walk, that small nerd head, and those little nerd glasses. It's something that makes you wonder in the nerd gene pool, there is one gene that makes this kind of person,.. It is in all races and they can be picked from anywhere. Everyone knows a nerd when they see one. And I loved them. My brother because of his avid reading and supreme intelligence, made me appreciate the kind. Reading was his passion. I believe that's how he coped with all the terror that was in our surroundings. The only time you would a get anything out of him, is when you were messin' with one of his books. You could take an eye from him, but as long as he had another to read with, he was alright. The world was a good place.

Then there was Pearl. She was the only child who was tri-racial. Her dad was Irish, Latin and black. I always thought it was nice to know what other races you may have in you, but when it comes to just having even a drop of black, at the end of the day, that is what society saw you as, black. She was a beauty, at three years old, she was something to be reckoned with. She had the biggest green eyes, they cold melt an iceberg. I was 13 when my mother brought her into this world, I loved her and she was my baby too.

We were a family, who went to church every Sunday, Wednesday and Saturday for choir rehearsal. I went to that church for 13 years and the choir director never could pronounce my name right. Manacia (Ma-na-sha) Michelle Jones. She called me everything but that. It annoyed me heavily to hear my name mispronounced for so many years. I really thought this woman was retarded, so after a few times correcting her, I gave up. She didn't want to pronounce it right. If you don't get if after three years, then you are definitely needed on the yellow bus.

Sunday's were filled with the usual stuff. Sunday school, service, dinner and back to church to get the rest of what God didn't give you during the last few services. It was always fascinating to watch Sis. Goodman jump all over the church like she was running hurdles. Every Sunday at about 1:15, Brother Carter would start speaking in tongues, then his wife would follow shortly after, the the kids. Jumping all in a circle as if to do some kind of tribal family chant. They were strange, but no one said nothing about it. They all must have thought it was an act of God.

After all the excitement, the beating of the tambourines, drums and organ. The church would become quiet and the tone would calm to a whisper. The preacher would get up and ask if anyone was ready to give themselves over to God. Everyone would sit there waiting to see who would go first, and for some reason it's always that brother who wears the three-piece tangerine colored suit, who probably just came from the club. He would get in line with his Jerri curl soaked collar. He looked as if he had just run straight from hell into the church line. Sweating profusely, like he knew if he did not come and get in line, God would surely strike him dead. But on every Sunday, God would forgive him for another week.

Going to church was tiring, but it was the only social life I had. It would also be the first place that I realized that I was a different kind of child. Life was blooming and I was changing. Church was like watching reality TV, live and you knew every character personally, it would also be where I find a love that was unforbidden.

Psyche....You Creep!

Whoooaaahhh What a Weekend!

First and foremost I like to apologize to all the people whose events I was not able to attend. I decided to go with the events with people who I have not seen in a while, and enjoy the vibe of people who are artsy and creative like myself. What a great choice.

I even slipped up and spent time with an old beau, and had some incredible sex, since I am not really sleeping with the guy I "really" like, it seemed appropriate. Now I can go back to ignoring him, now that I remember his purpose in my life. The night kind of reminds me of a comment that was said when I was out with the married female species,"You try this and you try that, there's no stability". My dear, that's the joy of being single, you can try a lot of different things, I prefer this method, as opposed to waiting until I am married to find out that the person I am fucking outside my marriage is not quite right for me.....duh! Some things need to be figured out before marriage. So again, I am taking my sweet little time to take that walk of fame. I am enjoying every moment of my single hood. There is so much love...I mean everywhere.

Anyway, I went out to a club in San Francisco, why I thought this was an upscale older joint, I don't know. But once I was there I realized that I was at the "just turned 21 and I am going to wear my skirt up my ass club". Of course, I looked my gorgeous self, (It's almost a shame that I fit in so well just by my looks alone, the universe has definitely been kind to me). Anyway, I made the best of the latest hip hop music that was being played, until I was elbowed in the back by some chick who was popping around like she was on fire. (I mean was that a dance?) I could have yanked her some sense, but then she would have probably just upgraded to stupid. This brod was retarted, so I pardoned her and moved over to the other side of the floor.

After one drink and an hour, we were outta there, quick, fast and a hurry.

The weekend entailed hitting up a few other bars and meeting friends and having drinks, had a great time and partied my ass off. However, I do have a few words of advice for those men that stand around looking like suspects. It is still kind of weird to me to see a bunch of guys standing around in these buddy packs. Like little groups, just standing around as if they were shit waiting on flies. You might as well hold hands. Where is the confidence? Did you bring your friend so you can dance with him? I am tellin' you, you all look like couple's going out for the first time. Stop that shit, grow some balls and approach a beautiful woman for once or an ugly one if it makes you feel better. (Ok, I should not say that, all women are beautiful at some point). Unless, you are there with your boyfriend, your down-low lover, or your potna' that gives you an occasional blow job, don't be afraid to just talk to a woman, we are just the mother's of the earth, the beginning of all creation, the gift that keeps on giving, I can go on, but I am sure you get my point.


Smooches

Living On Purpose

You are not blessed on how much you know. You can read a thousand books, get 18 degrees, God looks at your heart. God looks at how much you have given to human kind, how you have served him and others.

Whatever it is that makes one person look down on another person has to do with the state of mind of the person looking down. The person looking up will always go where he needs to go, and be what he needs to be despite who's looking.

Every obstacle you are faced with helps to change your state of mind. A state is a temporary condition; your faith determines how you will get through it, God determines the condition.

Loving yourself is essential to loving others. You cannot get fresh water from a dry well. Love is like water to all human kind. The benefits of having it, knowing it, feeling it is insurmountable to any other emotion.

Love, Love and More Love

I think I fall in love everyday.

Everyday I see something that touches me, and makes me feel so wonderful inside
that I fall in love

I love the feeling that I get when I look at a flower and wonder at it's amazing journey to greet my eyes
The smell of it, the color, the touch, I fall in love with it's uniqueness and relish in it's power to make people glow.

I love to watch children play. It's like there is nothing more wonderful than to hear their laughter and joy. They seem to have mastered the art of happiness and they share it with all of their friends, giving with no thought.

I love the way the wind blows when the still air has become too hot. It comes right at the perfect moment to cool my body and to catch my hair in it's flow. Then it passes without ever saying goodbye, never knowing when it will return again, I don't care when it will return because I am caught up in the love of what it has done for me at that moment.

I am in love with me. I love the way I get on my nerves and talk to myself when I am bad. I love the confusion that my brains give me, when there is a decision to be made. I love my options, I love my moles, I love the way my beauty mark sits on my lip, so perfect. I love the shape of my eyes and what they do when you look deep into them. I love that I cannot hide my emotions, I love being a surprise to myself and others. I love the fact that I am perfect in his eyes, even more so than my own. I am completely and unconditionally in love with being me.

Phenomenal Woman!

I know.

I have let almost another month go by without writing on my blog. However, you would to believe how busy I have been. From entertaining family, and working to spending time with that new beau in my life. I am the master of time-management except when it comes to scheduling time for me to do what I love the most.

So, with all that said, I am again committing more time to sharing my thoughts and critiquing my actions. While me being so busy and doing all these things kind of reminds me of how phenominal a woman I am and many others that multi-task their way through life. It is not an easy feat. Single mother, single job, single life. It all has been very manageable thsu far, but there are some moments when I want to throw caution to the wind and not be that "every" woman. What would really happen?

If women all across the world stop doing the necessary things for their families, husbands, jobs, parents or any other responsibility that they may have, the world would come to an abrupt and yet uninterrupted end.

Perception

Just because I am beautiful you may think I am dumb
When I say that I love you, you may think that I am weak
When I know my power is stronger than what you give me between the sheets

When I cry after making love you may think I am sprung
When in reality it was just a really good cum

Because I enjoy your company and think you're a nice guy
Don't get it confused, I think that about most men who try

I am really not impressed with your torrid past
I am more interested in what you do with your future besides sit on your ass

Just because I recognize the man in you
Does not mean that I want to marry you

Your perception of me has more to do with your reality of you
When you look at me and judge, you are judging you too

Take the time to get to know what it is you're dealing with
There is nothing average about me, I am that "rule the world chick"

Not often do I run across a man that I admire and adore
Don't fuck it up with ego, or I will hit the door.


LLW