Penis- A Long Story Short

Since the age of 15 I have been looked at like a sexual object. I have never been one to long for attention from anyone because I have always had it. That's probably why growing up I was such a severe introvert and extremely shy. So now as an adult instead of shying away from being in the spotlight, and ignoring all the attention I get, I welcome it with caution and gratitude.

I used to get real embarrassed by compliments and the stares of men, now I have a better understanding of the female and male dynamics.  There is nothing wrong with being admired. I am a very grounded person and never let any of that go to my head.    Sometimes I flirt, but for the most part I accept the compliments and keep it moving. Now that I have learned that men are more visual creatures and are attracted most to what they see and not necessarily by what they can get, I play with that visual. And fantasy goes a lot further than the reality.

What I find most interesting is when a man offers me his sexual prowess. Of course, he does not right out say it, but what he does do is little things to let me know that he is proud of his ding-a-ling and would like to share it with me. He will say things like, “I miss you”,  even though we’ve only meet a few weeks ago. “You are sexy”, which is something I hear almost every day, but because it’s coming from him, he thinks it’s special. (You would be special if you were mine).  If those compliments do not work, the approach will get more direct.  He will start to talk about how he satisfies in bed and it's a guarantee that I will reach the mountain top! (I have been there several times by myself, so please, any new tricks?)  Usually when a guy has a big ding-a-ling they don’t brag too much, if he had the chance and I should just wait and see. He will just go that extra mile to make his ding-a-ling look a little more appealing than the next man.  Sort of like a human advertisement and his dick is what's being marketed. He will spend more time talking about the sex he wants to have, while I am thinking about the sex he may never get. It’s always comforting to know that when he say's we are two consenting adults, and that we grown, yeah, and 18 year is an adult too, and can do whatever, but does that make it ok? If I hear anything close to having sex on the first date, It's a turn Off.(Panties ON!)

Even if I am the sexiest woman you ever seen, or if you are in the presence of the most sexiest woman you've ever seen, please control yourself, try not to be so obvious. A little mystery keeps me thinking, because if I give it to you the first night, there won't be many other nights, I am tellin' ya!  If I develop a relationship with your penis…I might call and ask where it is, or wonder why it has more personality than you, but it will not get you the committed, satisfying, loving, and mentally stimulating relationship that women like me prefer.  

If a guy has a small pee-wee, then he will kill his self to go down on you, that way you won't be so disappointed in what comes next. If you have a small penis and can't eat, then you are just fucked and expect to be cheated on regularly.  If you can eat, then so what? A woman wants to be fucked every now and then.  Well maybe some don't, I guess I better speak for myself. Sorry, not my rules! But You better have some other fantastic thing you  do, so she can forget about what she won't be getting.

Just a bit of advice...A woman like me can get any ding-a-ling she wants. And if I was interested in women that would be a wrap too.  If I choose to have yours then it's your lucky day, you better be able to bring it! It does not matter how big your penis is, ( and I say that lightly…lol) how well you work it, how long you can last, how well you hit it, or how many positions you get get into, if I don't love you, or feel some kind of attraction, or mental connection, then to me and any others, it will be just a fuck.  And since my "it’s just a fuck" days are over.  BE WARNED! Be clear about your intentions. I will not call you asking for more, I will not answer my phone unless  I feel like it. You will not change the way I feel about you because I will only have developed a relationship with your dick. You are better off spending time with me and getting to know me, that way if the sex is a little lousy, I'll be willing to take the time to show you what really gets me off. So, if you come at me with just your penis to offer then the conversation and the relationship will be very, very short, no matter how long your dick is.

Ok?   Toodles…. Love YOU..

 (Original Post was written over 11 years ago, The Beginning of MySelf )

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Black-The Little Book

"Stella! where are my keys? I am late!

How many times has he been late? How many times has he asked me for keys that I do not use? How many times do I always know where they are, so I reluctantly point in that direction?

“Thanks, don’t wait up.”

Don’t wait up? Why does he say that?  I have not waited up for years. But of course, he didn’t notice.  He never notices.  I have literally become invisible to him and for that I am thankful.  I used to long for his attention, but now I know that this was just a marriage of convenience, no love.  It was a hard realization, but one that also has freed me.  So, when he leaves, I play Black.

Black is a game that myself and other women who are in dead end marriages play.  Each week, we pay to play for our freedom from our mundane lives that are on repeat.  Day in and out we are serving our self-serving husbands.  Some of us believed that we were getting our prince charming or our knight in shining armour, only to wake up to Bob the Barbaric asshole.  It was a necessary route to take and worth the risk of our lives.   Each prize was different, we had no idea what the prize would be but for some, once you get it, it has delivered complete freedom along with a new life and identity.  Something that I am desperate for. 

Our players consisted of Zeena, Marjorie and me.  Zeena is the leader.  She has the highest score and has been playing the longest.  She has been married to Stan, banker, millionaire and theft for over ten years and she is almost on her way out.  Last game she came so close to the prize that we all were cheering for her. He married Zeena to hide his other affairs.  She was his fifth wife, and she was sold the story of riches and unlimited credit cards, only to find out that she is being held captive to be used at his disposal.

Then it was Marjorie.  Marjorie’s husband is considered a wealthy man, but he only spared her a hundred dollars a week allowance, while he spent millions on cars and other women.  He promised her children and the America dream, only to realize that her beauty would used as a reference that he referred to during fundraisers and auctions.   Two years ago, Marjorie tried to commit suicide, but the contract with her husband did not allow her to, so she became a member of the game Black, she saw it as her only way out.

Lastly, it was me.  My name is Stella.  I met my husband at a business conference in Milan.  I have been married to my husband for five years, I was the assistant to his boss.  He only married me to get inside information, once the information was got and he took over the company, our marriage was over. So, here I am waiting to play Black. It was thousands of us, and everyone needed to be logged in, in order to reap the maximum benefit. We knew that if one of us could get through the maze to the Black Book and find out the secret inside, it could be the key to all our freedom.

Zeena had been playing the longest, so we let her take the lead.  Once inside the game you had to tell the truth about your marriage or whatever it is that you are running from.  There were several people running from different things, but there was only one direction you could run into in order to receive the ultimate prize and that was in the direction of the Black Book. 

Several had failed before us.  There were some women, who we never heard from again.  We do not know if they were able to get free or met their doom.  The unknown was the risk, whatever the fate, it would be worth it. Waking up to a stranger is no longer appealing.  I want an emotional connection and not just with my pet.  His neglect has made me stronger, one day I will be free, and I will not look back.

We were all inside the maze and it was go time!  Each corner of the maze was met with a question of whether we loved our husbands or not. Testing our loyalty and out ability to think fast.  The obvious answer would be yes, we loved our husbands, but could you still answer yes, if you knew he was a lying sac of balls?   One wrong answer and you were out of the game, so the truth had to be the truth, even when it was a lie.

 It was good to have aliases who could see where you could not. Maneuvering through the maze was quite tedious.  In some areas you had to run from his mother and x-girlfriends.  On other levels, you had the option of dating his father or brother.  On each level there were obstacles put in your way, but once you make it to the Black level, then the real fun begins. 

The Black level is where you can choose your fate as long as it is in alignment with your true destiny.   If you are not aligned, you will have to start over and repeat the level again.  It was more about yourself and your intentions with whatever you found in the Black Book.  What you found in the Black Book was rooted in your hidden desires, so it was different for everyone.

Beeeeep! Beeeeep! Beeeeep!  was the sound that was made when a player was getting close to the Black Book.  The alarm was the sound of heaven.  It informed everyone that someone was close to the Black Book and their freedom was nearby.  I looked up and it was Marjorie in first place, she was heading for the Back Book and we all watched in awe.

There it was the Black Book in all it’s shining glory, I was just a few feet away and with only one question left to paradise.   I could taste my freedom; it was so close. The black leather was shiny, the ridges were perfectly made and bonded to perfection.  There was a slight glow around the book. I was hesitant to touch it, but the last question, through me for a loop.  “Do you love yourself?”  Do I love myself, what the hell?  Yes!  I love myself.  Yes, I finally love myself.  When I reached out to the black book it began to sizzle.  A slight fog came from the edges.  It began to float in the air and spin in circles.  It looked like a helicopter, getting ready for take-off.  The book flew opened with a great force; a soft warm wind pierced my skin.  The light inside was shining so bright, I could no longer see what was in front of me.  Then, suddenly, I was sitting on a pile of money.  I looked around me and it was all green. It seemed as if I had been transported to another life.  I looked up and the sky was pink.  I looked down and there was a note, “You’re sitting on twenty-thousand dollars use your freedom wisely.”

Written By LL Walton

Original post can be found here:

Black | Viva (vocal.media)

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New Beginings...

Each day we are granted a new beginning.  A chance to start again.  A do over, if you will.  But how many of us take advantage of the day?  How many of us let the stress of yesterday seep it's way into a new day?  How many of you have let a long term problem fester?   The time is now.  There is no more delaying the things that you must change, or let go because there is no time like the present.  

I recently had a conversation with a man who wasn't sure if he should let his "situation" go.  I called it a long term relationship.  His situation was he was with a woman with four children, none of them are his.  He wants to have children and she is done having children.  They both are feeling the strain of the relationship because he is taking care of four children that are not his and wants to be a father.  She has told him she would understand if he wanted to go on to another relationship that would provide him children.  Instead of being honest and having a honest conversation, he wants to cheat on her instead.  Once he cheats and she finds out, guess what?  The relationship will still be over.  Her suggesting that he can leave, was too easy.  He wanted to hurt her first, so he could validate her leaving him and relieve himself of the guilt of leaving her with four kids. An honest conversation would eliminate all of that.  How do you co-exist in a relationship with someone you can't be honest with?  Sometimes people hold on to you just to prevent you from being happy with someone else. My point is,  do not ever waste time in a situation that you know you should leave.  Honor that gut feeling, it's never wrong.

Starting over is not easy.  I have lost count of the many times I had to start over.  The numerous of times I lost things and started from nothing.  It seemed bleak at first, but once you look at it as an opportunity, then the ideas start to flow, the gates began to open and life becomes what you imagined.  Starting over is a great opportunity to do what you didn't do.  It is a chance to put into practice what you learned from the last mistake.  Let the change take place and grow from the lesson.  We are all here to experience life and share that experience.  There are no perfect methods to existing, so seize the day!  Become like water and flow.  

Peace & Love

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I Made The Devil Fall in Love-A Love Story

You might be thinking why would anyone want to make the devil fall in love? In this world of mass connections, you more than likely have had or is the devil in your life. There is no way around it. Just like angels, devils have their place in this realm. We just have to know how much power we give to it. On my quest to find love, I ran across the most handsome devil ever.

He was deliciously charming, tall inviting, mysterious and dark. All the things that would attract an unsuspecting empath like me.  He lured me through music.  I love music, it literally takes me to another place.  I feel every song.  But how did he know?   Well, it’s quite simple, music is the universal language.  It’s the age-old way to any person’s heart.  Have you ever had a person dedicate a song to you and at that point and every time after that, every moment you hear that song it becomes a permanent memory that conjures of feelings of that person?  Well, he had it down to a science.  He sent me over a hundred songs and created several playlists.  I was open and I fell in love with lyrics to the words he never said.

To feel deeply is an understatement.  I feel everything on such a level that at times, I have to isolate myself to regain my energy.  I did not see or feel it coming.  If love is indeed blind, I was covered in complete darkness, being led only by my heart and the illusion of what I was feeling in those songs. 

There is nothing more romantic than a morning text, right?  Especially if it’s from someone who you like, love or is interested in.  I would wake up to multiple songs by Anita Baker. “You Belong to Me”, “Sweet Love” and “Been So Long”.  Then, “Endless Love” by Diana Ross & Lionel Richie. “The First Time I Saw Your Face” by Roberta Flack.  Oh yes, he was good, and I feel more in love with him through every song.  Then one day it happened.  The love bombing had blown me completely up and through me across the sky only to land in the pit of despair and confusion because the reality of this charming little devil had come with a sting that was unbearable to my heart.  I was not the only one.

How did I fall for this?  My intelligence has forsaken me only to be deceived by my emotions!  I was furious, not at him for being the charming little devil he was, but at me for falling for it.  He was a professional and had a formula that worked.  I had to step outside my emotions and give him a taste of his own medicine.  I began to send him songs.  “Love is a Battlefield”, by Pat Benatar.  He thought that I was unhappy because at this point, we were not seeing each other as much.  The excuses were becoming laughable and I was on my way out the door, so he had no idea the battle was with him. “Mr. Wrong” by Mary J. Blige.  Although I was letting him know that I was coming out of my love coma and seeing him for who he is, he thought that I was so in love with him.   Even though he and I both knew he was an asshole, I would be more than happy to continue this one-sided relationship.    

Getting over a man who has deceived you sends you into an emotional overload.  I cried, then I was happy, then I was mad and then I was drunk.  So, I sent him “Drunk In Love”, by Beyoncé.   He gave it a heart and thought it was cute.  The ego tends to bring you to a comfort level within a relationship that may not be there.  The belief that someone you mistreat will never leave you, is simply the biggest under estimation ever. In fact, you should expect it.  Then I finally ended it and sent him “Without Me” by Fantasia.  Then he finally got the message after weeks of no response or attention.   He was calling and texting trying to find out what was wrong, what happened.  Then he was sorry about what was wrong and what happened.  Then his charm went out the window.  His horns began to grow, and he went from a warm brown to a screaming red.  His cover had been blown; he was not as handsome.  He was filled with begging then threats.  He was now chasing me.  Dying for my attention and doing anything to get it.  I of course was done and have no interest in the dying breed.  I had mended my heart and did not look back.  I saved myself from what could have been years of confusion and misdirected love.  If you ever run across a man who seems too good to be true, wait it out, it just might be a charming little devil.

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2021.....Now The Real Test Begins

So it’s January 1st, 2021. You have made it to the first day of another year.  You are tired, but this year has to be better.  You’ve had to let go of a lot of things and people and the new you has arrived or is definitely on the way.  At times, you feel rejuvenated, because you did not break, crumble or fold, you stood strong, so the rewards are in order.  Sit back and imagine how it all comes together.  

You are the creator and your mind is the navigator, making suggestions, but will do as you command; so break free from the mundane. Take a risk, it will all be in your favor. 

Love Now, Love Strong

Peace Within and Out💗💥🎆🌟🌞🌚

When You Love His Toxic Nature

I will begin by saying that not all men that break your heart, rearrange your thought process and leave you emotionally dead are toxic; I am joking. Of course they are toxic. It does not matter what they look like, their economic background, suits or timberlands; a man who intentionaly breaks your heart is indeed a toxic person. But, why in the process of it all, do we fall heavily for these charming little devils.

I guess my issue was the excitment of it all. The intense energy that passes throught the two of us was undeniable. His toxic nature laced with intelligence or the appearance of, is what drew me in. I knew I coud fix his issues and he confirmed that I could. But, not before he took me for a ride. I mean, I just knew I could fix this motherfucker, but he was a professional in this game and I was just the apprentice. The instability, the I-dont -give-a-fuck-attitude are all the things that kept me turned on and then off, when the shit became a habit. And oh the sex! I allowed him inside where he created water falls on demand. He was the Man! And I was in quick sand, sinking into an illusionary existence, one that was painted pretty. I fell in love with unfounded desires, empty feelings conjured up by real emotions. 

I guess my wake up call was when I noticed him moving on to another. The lies became more obvious, because he didn’t care anymore. The complaning, because, what he used to love he hated now. Then the judging, because the perfection he used to love is flawed now. The texting, because now she is requiring his attention. The calls, that he must answer because he has told her he’s single. The secret shit was no longr secret and could not be ignored. 

I looked at the sorry excuse for an human, yet alone a man and decided that not even his dick was worth savaging. I had to let that little devil go. I guess he already knew of his upcoming expiration date because his attitude changed. I think they always know when the gig is up.

But when they return. 

I almost love it when they return. I mean, only a fool would try to check on me weeks, months or even years later after you've broken my heart. But they do. Pretending to want to relight the candle that they so willingly blew out. Don’t fall for it. They are testing the ground for another round of fuckery. And most of the time, it’s just to check the ground on them having sex. Whatever the case he is back. It either didn’t work out with New Nancy or he received his karma and he feels compelled to apologize. Whatever the case for his return, stand your ground and think, do you really need this lesson again? 

LL Walton, Author Blogger & Podcaster

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When Your Soul Screams!

Have you ever felt like something wasn't right?  Have you ever got the inclination that something was changing, happening, but you were not sure when or what?  Have you ever did something that went against your being or beliefs?  You knew it was wrong, but at the moment it felt so right.

Yes, we all do things sometimes that we know is not right, but we do it anyway only to find out that we were correct in the frst place.  I think the thing that keeps us holding on is the fact that we hope it will be what we want it to be.  We hope  that people are who they say they are.  We hope it will be different and we want it to be, so we create or imagine it to be so, even when we know that it really isnt. That intial feeling remains the same.  You do it again and that feeling is getting stronger.  The need to give in and ignore what your soul is telling you can often be the demise of our inner being.  But you keep trying and ignoring, then boom!  Your soul gets so loud that you can no longer ignore it, this time you have to do what you know you should do.  It is no longer a question, the signs are now clear, but now you are hurt, disappointed, mad and discouraged, all because you didn't listen to the screaming of your soul.

When your soul is screaming it's over time to take a new direction.  You have ignored so many of the previous messages, signs and symbols that now the mesasge is loud and clear.  You were warned, you were given the signs and you ignored them all.  But there is still hope.  This time is only a lesson.  A lesson that you will remember and hopefully learn.  Because if you do not, like most classes you will have to repeat it again.  I can not tell you how many classes I've had to repeat.  How many times, I didnt listen, but those moments became my lessons to learn.  Maybe this time you won't be so deaf that you do not hear your soul when it's warning you, changing your direction, or making you accountable for the decisions you make. This time you are prepared to listen. Right?

In the grand scheme of it all, even if you take the wrong direction it too can be the right.  There is something to be learned in every direction, but the key is to listen to what that direction tha is.  I mean, are there really such as thing as mistakes if there is a lesson learned or if there is growth involved.  If it changes you for the better, makes you want to do better?   Every thing happens for a reason, a lesson, test or mistake, these are the things that make us grow and evolve into the master humans that we are born to be.  We are the masters of the universe, we all have free will.  How many of you like to be told what to do?  The next time your soul is screaming take a moment to find out what the universe, god or whatever you believe in is saying because whether you listen or not there is always the oppotunity to learn something about yourself, because really it's all about you.


Love & Peace,

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Picture: The Holistic Soul Healer