I am a Writer!

I am a writer, so that gives me a freedom that few will experience

I am a writer, the ink in my pen is the gas that fuels the tips of my fingers to give you my soul

I am rock star with the pen, introducing you to my way of thinking and taking you along on this lyrical trip

I lose myself in the characters that I bring to life, someone, someplace, at some time, doing something that brings you to my place of joy or complete satisfaction.

One Woman, These Men!

One Woman, Three Men (Man #1) Fall 2015

There was nothing amazing about him, but his dick. He was somewhat attractive, with his high school education, he was nothing that I would look at twice, but he became the missing piece to an otherwise boring existence.  The attraction I am not sure, our worlds would have never collided, but the convenience was that he did not require all the necessities that a normal man would. I could see him, dismiss him and call him when I wanted more.  Keep him around often enough for him to feel needed, but not enough for him to think that I was in love, or wanted to establish any kind of meaningful relationship. That's what I needed right now, someone who did not ask a lot of questions and who would not interrupt my everyday life.

His innocence to the world was almost unbearable.  He had never traveled outside the state, yet alone the country, not even to the next city.  His life was filled with his hood.  All he knew was his hood.  A life surrounded by drug use and poverty.  He was the perfect candidate for what I  had in mind. He had never been in love, never took care of anything, never strived for anything greater than his environment, just lived a very selfish and useless life, with moments of monetary victories through robberies and taking from others.  Shit, I didn't even know how old he was. That was his life; none of which was my business.  His purpose in my life would be to compete the task of satisfying me until my husband returned from prison; he had 10 more years to go.

It was our first date.  He did not have a car, so I picked him up.  This normally would be a problem for me, but I wasn't in this for the long haul; I was in it for temporary satisfaction.  He lived in the hood.  The same  hood I grew up in and moved away from.  So as I drove my new C-class Mercedes, all eyes were on me, thank god for tinted windows.  I did not want to be seen.

He was dressed in sagging jeans and a white T-shirt, typical B-boy fashion, except he wasn't a b-boy; he lacked the skill to hustle, he was a five and dimer.  He wreaked of weed and vodka, he was happy and loaded, so  I decided to not take this man out in public.  I will start slow and take him to a hotel instead to find out exactly what he was working with.  I needed to test the merchandise of my short-term investment.

After a long night of complete satisfaction, I saw that my husband had called several times, so he had to go.  "Hey Boo".  There is nothing more irritating than hearing a man call you boo, when you have no intention of ever being his boo, so I just looked at him.  "Hey you got some change?  I spent my last on these new kicks an' shit, I did that fa' you".   Here he is wanting me to appreciate him spending his last whatever on himself, that was actually for me, and now he wanted to be reimbursed for it,  ain't that some shit.  I gave him the change because as far as I was concerned I had just fucked Idris Elba or  Denzel Washington.  I don't know who this nigga is, so I gave him the change to go back to where he came from, until I wanted him again.

EXCERPT from SHAME- Love, Lies & Lust

..."But who was I foolin’ this bitch could have me chopped up and mailed to a third world country before I could even formulate the thought to steal her husband.  So I shall obey and play nice".- Shelly Price

©2013- SHAME, Loves, Lies & Lust by L. L. Walton

Exerpt from SHAME, Love, Lies & Lust

                    Stephan Green

My name is Stephan Green.  I am the CEO of Telkem Communications.  I started this company from the ground up and I am very proud of its accomplishments.  I am a Harvard graduate.  Although the name, Harvard carries prestige, I am more proud of what I’ve done after college.  I have a wife, her name is Sarah. Sarah is the perfect housewife, mother and friend, I used to love her, but now I just care.  I have given her the life that she deserves; I have provided a smooth and comfortable transition from her humble beginnings to a life of luxury.  On the outside we look like the typical suburban couple.  She is the President of the PTA, very busy with the children and I have created another life that better suits my desires.

All my life I have worked.  I have done what my father did for my mother.  I did all that was expected.  My parents could only gave me what they received and I had it down to a science.  I would mimic what they did, it was my best example and appeared to work for them.  My mother appeared to be a happy woman, but my father had numerous affairs, numerous children, yet my mother remained, she stood by his side and loved him until he died.  I wanted my wife to be present, but then again, I did not.  I wanted her to act like she loved me like she did when we first meet, but instead she spent my money to show her appreciation.  I had no connection to my children, they took on the attitude of their mother.  I was the human ATM.  Family vacations were far and few in between.  A couple of years after the twins’ birth things just began to spiral down.  I knew I was pretending on the inside, I knew that my desire to have Shelly would eventually tear us apart, but I was willing to take that chance.  Take the chance on a life that I could never have in public.  A life that would become the reason I lived.  I loved my children and I even at times loved my wife, but that only fulfilled a very small part of my existence.  Shelly made me feel.

Shelly is a tall beautiful woman.  She is my desire.  She makes me feel like I could conquer the world. It was something that my wife used to have and now seriously lacked.  I am not sure if she believed that I could accomplish what I have or even that she was  happy that I did.  Although I was on track to complete the script for my  life, I was left feeling like nothing.  The blood in my veins were an indication that I was an a live human being, but the emptiness in my heart would better describe my bleak existence, so I needed her.

She was warm and attentive.  She asked questions and showed sincere interest.  Then we would make love at the same place at the same time and the same hotel day in and out, weekends or whenever I could get a moment with her.  She was my drug and I was addicted.  No rehab for me.  Who cares that each time I saw her she demanded $1500.  I would take her until my soul died, for me there was nothing else.  Before her, I was a corpse, suicide would confirm it.  Without her I would die.  She was the fuel I needed to tolerate my existing life.  When I talked of a future, she would always tell me to stay with my wife, so I did.

 

 

 

 

 

©2013- SHAME, Loves, Lies & Lust by L. L. Walton

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

What happened to.......

What happened to the days when a man took care of his children and his woman?  Nowadays its more like how much money you make and can I get a cut.  What happened to a man courting you and bringing you flowers, now it's more like, can you pay my cell phone bill or buy me some shoes.  Some women have done this to maintain the relationship, but as a man how do you not feel like the bitch in the relationship?  I guess a man in that situation will have to answer that.

It is always a turn-off when a man asks me about my assets. (Bitch alert!)  I have, but I don't show.  After running into this situation a few times, I had to ask the men, just what are you used to?  The answer varies, but none exact.  And believe me you, you can tell a lot about a man depending on how he answers that question.  You can also tell what kind of women he has been with or is "used to".  I asked 5 men, some random, some which I had previous experiences with and the answers ranged from, "I don't trip off women like that", to " I am used to having a good time".  I found those answers to be interesting because no one said, I am used to a woman making me a home cooked meal, having intimate conversations, or getting my foot rubbed after a long day at work.  I guess because that's not what they are used to.  But as a woman, that is what I am used to doing if a man is my man.  He gets totally catered to, and taken care of, but at the end of the day he still has to be the man, he has to be the head of my household. 

As independent as I am, I also know how to be a woman that allows a man to be a man.  Some women have destroyed these men by taking care of them financially in exchange for some good dick.  Yes, I enjoy some good D too, but please don't get it confused with real love, you are being emotionally robbed.  Don't offer me the D and expect me to fall in love, what I have to offer runs deeper than my vagina, but there are plenty of women falling for it everyday, just to say they have someone in their life.  If there is an even exchange, I guess there is no robbery. 

Call me crazy, but I believe in romance and surprises to keep me interested.  Of course, I will dress in my skimpiest attire to make you dinner or put on my shortest mini-skirt and golf shoes to go 18 holes, but that is not given to everyone, I can't treat every boy like a King.  Treating your boyfriend like a husband will not guarantee you a husband. And even more so, acting like his mother will not either.

There is nothing wrong with the woman being the bread winner.  If that is the agreement within the marriage or relationship, if that works for you, you get no judgment from me.  There is nothing wrong with treating your man out to dinner or buying your man a drink, but it is also important that he is able to do those things for you and himself.  And remember, no matter how much money you make, there is still the male ego to consider, he will probably still seek a woman that makes him feel like "the man".  And as the saying goes, whatever and however you start a relationship, sets the tone on how the relationship will continue.    Some men want a good woman, but not the responsibility.  Good Luck!

There are a lot and I mean a lot of insecure people walking around pretending, they choose a certain kind of man or woman to compliment and cater to that insecurity.  When that relationship fails, then you wonder what happened.  You attract what you are, you made the decision to welcome that man or woman in your life.  Some people are so messed up and afraid to be vulnerable that they would not recognize a good man or woman if they came and sat right in their lap, slapped them on both sides of their face and screamed I AM HERE!  It's just not what they are used to.  I can go deeper in the psychological reason why men and women choose the people they do, even when they know they are not right for them. Their relationship with their mother or father, what they believe to be true about relationships or more importantly, how they feel about themselves, play a part on how and who you choose, but that would make this a boring blog.  Nor will I talk about the real reason some men are single and only see women as objects, maybe it's because what they really desire is a man, that's an old topic that I refuse to entertain anymore. 

What I do want to talk about is the rejuvenation of men and women relationship's, how you communicate and getting the love you desire, because everyone wants to be loved. It's possible  to make better choices and get the love you deserve, but you have to change what's not working.  I want to go back to the days when spending time talking was the way to fall in love, having your man or woman be your best friend and just being in the presence of each other brought complete happiness. It is possible and it's never too late. 

If you have any questions about relationships or sex, please send your questions to lovelylashon13@gmail.com, then tune in to my YouTube show on August 24th, where I will answer your questions and offer my experience, because I don't give advice.

Stay tuned for my next book, SHAME, Love, Lies & Lust! (It's coming, I swear)

Peace & Love Ya'll

Charles, Oscar and Trayvon......

What can we learn?

It has taken awhile for me to write about the case of Trayvon Martin.  My heart has been heavy from watching the case, hearing the debates, the outcries of many and the unfortunate act itself.   It was not long ago that we heard those same cries for Oscar Grant, another young man, gunned down.  But my heart is heaviest for my cousin who lost his life just a few months ago.  The parents of those children have lost a son, an irreplaceable son.

I can only imagine the pain of losing a child, it has to be an incurable state that lingers, because there is no replacement, a permanent loss, one that cannot be explained.   It is the empathy of a nation that feels for those parents.  For me, it has been the empathy for my auntie, who is handling this with strength, and with the love of her daughter’s.  Trayvon’s parents were blessed to have two sons, which does not make the tragedy any less tragic, but my aunt lost her only son.   It is clearly an injustice, but not just for them, but for our whole nation.  We all have lost a son. 

But how many sons do we need to lose in order to realize that we are more alike than different?  How long will we let our fears be the catalyst that kills us?  It makes you hold your child a little longer, talk a little bit more, spend  a little more time actually being a parent.  It’s a shame to think that this could happen to any of our children.  If we close our eyes to see, we are all the same.  It is our open eyes that fool us to believe otherwise.   It’s not that we fear the other person so much, but what we are, who we are and what we become when faced with the unknown.  There is no kindness or understanding in fear. 

It’s obvious there is a lot missing in a society that says it’s ok to kill what you don’t understand.  To blame with no accountability for your own actions.   If you take away our men, you take away the pillars of this nation, the creators, and the builders.   You force mothers to become more than their role requires, and again to raise our sons.  A resilient race we are, but how many times do we have to prove it?

There are a lot of Mr. Zimmerman’s in the world, colorless men who are trying to find their place, find their identity, and confirm it through malicious acts; but there are more of us who will stand and correct.  Stand with love and not fear, correct with a firm tone and set you on the right path.  We must become what we desire for our children, and for this nation.   Seek understanding and love.  Try traveling outside what is comfortable for you and embrace our differences, we all have something to learn and everything to gain when we are united. The fight is the common thread that connects us all, let’s not ever give up on teaching, sharing and most of all loving.

Today, do something for someone else that does not look like you, shake a hand, or just say hello. Educate through example.

Let’s break down this wall of fear!!!

 Peace & Love Ya’ll

 L.L Walton

Single.....And then What?

It was important for me to be single because I had issues! Real life, real fucking issues...point, blank period!  Yes, I can admit that because I am ok with being perfectly imperfect. 

I had issues that needed to be addressed through self love, honesty and then growth.  I have always been very aware of my existence.  Although I have often tried to immulate the love I needed as a child through other areas, like over compensating, valuing material things, and being overly independent, those "things"  did not fill that hole in my life.  No matter what you are missing, it always comes out in one form or another, and if you never address it, it becomes a lingering unfulfilled desire, it does not go away.  When I became an adult, I decided to no longer blame, but seek truth.  My happiness, my way of living, my joy is and has always been my responsibility, so I claimed it.

Often we are consumed by outside sources, the expectation of what our parents, friends, society wants for us or what they believe is best for us.  Some people fall into that trap because they are afraid of what people will think, or what things "look" like.  Do you know how many people are living the life that someone else wants for them? False identity becomes their truth.  I have never been one to let the experiences of others determine how I should live my life. It's my life, what works for you may not work for me, hence my decision to post pone marriage.  There is a freedom of being, a freedom of accepting yourself and loving what you see.  It makes you shine.  And I always shine.

There have been moments in my life that supported my decision to wait, like broken engagements, death, and just plain not being ready.  And besides, I've  never been  the average, typical woman, who felt marriage was the goal of my life.  I looked at it as an option and not a necessity.  And I had a lot of questions.  For instance,  why is the divorce rate at 50%,?   Why do they fail? What is the real reason people are getting married, is anyone really ready?   Is it just for the title of husband and wife?  And why are married people cheating like crazy?   Is it just about finding a person who can deal with your shit?  One thing I do know, if you go into any kind of relationship and you are not on one accord with the other person, you are bound to have problems, for a long time.  Plus, men take so long to grow up, I never had the patience to wait.  Along, with my search for answers, I also found my fear, I did not want to fail at marriage.   I am very clear about who I am, my worth, and what it is I want from a man.  I knew too well about what I didn't want in a marriage, so I changed my thinking and focused on what I wanted. 

Learning self is the greatest freedom. Learn to trust yourself and follow what you believe. Live your own life, and never let anyone determine your future, it takes courage to do your own thing.  But always remember, it's your life!  I would never impose how I live onto someone else, but people do it all the time, and try to make you feel like something is wrong with you because you haven't did what they have done or followed their plan for you.   Get over yourself! Most people are faking it and you want me to join that?  I often laugh when people want you to buy into their bullshit and when you don't,  they get mad, really?  Your opinion only matters if I accept what you think about me as my existence, and honey, I don't.

So as my journey continues into another phase in my life, I welcome the unknown.  I welcome sharing this adventure, with my best friend, lover and confidant.  There is nothing greater than taking a ride on a roller coaster with someone who you love and trust.........I am ready.