What is Love?

What is love to you?  Is it a feeling or an action?  A flower or a home-cooked meal?  We all express love in unique ways, but one thing I do know for sure is that love is FREE.💓💗💚

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Lavidus

"Momma"

That was the text I received from my brother to tell me our mother had passed.  The fact that I received a text instead of a phone call or even a facetime call accurately indicated my relationship with my siblings. I am the oldest of my mother's five children and the only thing we had in common was our mother.

I was born in Mississippi to a fifteen-year-old mother.  I can imagine the shame she must have felt, being an unwed mother in the religious south.  By the time she was twenty-one, she was married to an abusive husband with three children.  As a young girl, I saw too much and experienced way too much.  I believed that I was born an old lady, which is why now I am experiencing my first childhood.  Those who have healed their childhood wounds understand what that means.

I was raised primarily by my grandmother.  A grandmother that I loved and admired.  A beautiful tall woman that could cook the best peach cobbler on any day of the week.  I had a grandfather that would take me fishing and who taught me how to gut a fish and fry it up.  Riding in the back of his truck was one of the highlights of my childhood.  I played outside until the fireflies would light the night sky.  The stars seemed so close I could touch them.   I loved being in the country.  My grandmother was all the love I needed until my mother moved us to California.  

I missed being home in Mississippi because my mother had never really been a mother to me and things got worse as I got older.  I was often overlooked and had way too many responsibilities as a child.  I had to call the police to save my mother way too many times.  I had to witness her being knocked unconscious and fearing that we would not survive the abuse and alcoholism  that was plaguing our family.  I needed my mother, but my mother needed a husband to save face.   Sometimes a woman who is being abused harbors a certain level of shame even though they are the victim.  She carried the shame of being an unwed teenage mother, now the shame of a failed marriage.  Her efforts to keep the family together damaged my childhood and our relationship.  I always felt I had to save her and in saving her I was showing her that I loved her, but she rejected that love because I was a source of shame.  

I was never a wild child, but a curious one.  I wasn't the child with the criminal record.  I wasn't the child who was a thief or the child who was jealous of any of my siblings.  I was the child who in high school, played tennis, and softball and was a cheerleader.  I was the child that was the salutatorian of my graduating class.  I am the child that was the first of her generation to receive a college degree. I am the child that would drive six hours to see you if you were sick or give you my last to help you out, but none of that mattered.  I still did not deserve to be loved.  I used to say that if I had turned out to be a drug-addicted prostitute then I probably would have received more respect from this family, but I decided to not let my circumstances define me.    I did not know that my talents and gifts would become the source of so much jealousy and envy.  Just being me would make people compete and project their bullshit on me, and lie on me. I won't even mention the level of envy that people have carried with them for years.   I just did not know.

My mother was the initiator of some of the lies after years of abuse, and a failed second marriage.  I could not expect to be happy around her because she wasn't.  It was her mission to destroy everyone's view of me and to keep me close to confirm what she was saying.  Every time I gained a little bit of independence she would get sick and need my help. And of course, I would drop everything for her, and I never complained.  I've left jobs for her, and I moved for her, while everyone else was able to get on with their lives.   If you ever had a mother to tell people not to give you compliments because being pretty would go to your head or a mother who would stifle your growth and then complain that you were not going anywhere, then you know what kind of mother I had.  At one point in my life, I didn't want to be pretty or receive any kind of attention.  I wanted to be invisible, but God had other plans.  Usually, when people want you to do well, but not better than them, it starts right there with your family.  

When I finally moved away from my family and worked on myself and my self-esteem, I became a hundred times happier.  I forgive people and I move on, but don’t expect a seat at my table.  A few years had passed on my healing journey and I had even invited my mom over for Thanksgiving, however, on November 21st, I received that text from my brother.  

Writing has become the one thing that gives me life.  Podcasting and sharing my stories and experiences have also been healing for me.  It has become about having grace, not perfection through all my circumstances. I hope my voice is healing to someone who knows what I am feeling at this moment. This is not to bash my mother or my family, but to share my journey because I am choosing to heal and today I am missing my momma.  

Momma, I know you are watching over me.  I was attached to your hip for over forty years because I needed you so much.  We went through so much together and I am sure you are witnessing the bullshit I am going through right now.  Thank you for being the kind of mother you were, it made me the kind of woman I am today. You made me a warrior, a fighter, and a great mom.  I have no regrets about our relationship, I just wish I knew who my father was.  It has been an unfulfilled spot that only he could have filled.  I know you are free now, and the journey you are on is sweet.  This is just the beginning for me, so keep watching over me, my plan is to make you extremely proud.

Love your Daughter,

Bee💗💖💖

  

Don't Resist This Change

There are changes coming at full speed ahead, so don't resist the inevitable.   Easier said than done, right?   Tell that to someone who feels as if they have been thrown into the abyss of a hurricane, expecting to come out unscathed.  But that is a part of life, being able to navigate the unexpected and roll with the punches.   Changes mean that you are alive and it is probably time for a growth spurt.

If you are one of the lucky people who is experiencing changes on a high level, it is only because there is something that needs to be brought to your attention.  Your path is being altered in order to achieve your highest good.    In order to achieve this higher way of being,  you must acknowledge the you that you have become, whether you like yourself or not.  Whatever the reason is for these massive changes,  the universe has a way of reminding you that you are not alone in your journey, and although painful sometimes, changes are necessary.

When I was in my own personal change cycle, I remember trying to logically figure it all out.  I even tried to control the outcome, but my ego needed to be silenced in order to see and feel what was taking place.   I could have learned this lesson a long time ago, but I was not open to change. I resisted, and low and behold the lessons reappeared again through a different person. This time it was loud and intrusive and made me pretty damn uncomfortable, but I got the message.

I learned to let go and trust the process.  While in the process I meet several people that were inserted into my life path.  They were placed there to test my boundaries and my faith.  Others were there to remind me of who I am.  We are all either living out our true lives or living out life for other people.  I prefer to live my true life and forget about what anyone may think about it.  I would rather live in my imperfect, unfigured out life than live in misery by someone else's design.

We all come with our own garbage, our own biases, and our own self-deceptions.  What you must do is learn to love who you are, all the time at every stage at every moment, and if someone has an issue with that, then let them sort it out themselves.   Never compromise who you are to please "people".  Be OK with being different, because people who are the same, are invisble.  There are millions of people who are not Ok with who they are.  Afraid of the opinion of someone who probably isn't living their true life either.  There are people in bad marriages and relationships, who have horrible jobs.  They always are spending time with people they hate, and comparing themselves with material gains.  Who has the biggest ego?  Silly kids!  It's a waste of time to try to impress, compare or even care about someone else opinion or what is happening in their lives.  Free yourself.

It's very hard to live in that complete existence when all your life you have been told that you have to conform or be a certain way to be accepted.   A lot of followers have fallen off the same bridge because they went against what they felt to be true. Your body and mind want to be free, but you keep feeding it false beliefs and ideologies that are simply untrue.  You smother yourself, then you lose yourself. Poof!  You're gone!  A walking zombie, being controlled by outside sources.   

Change the way you think about yourself. The waves of change that are taking place now are for you.  It is seeking you out to be your best you.  If people are being removed from your life or if your view has started to change, rejoice! Be happy!  You are being prepared for something great and you cannot take everyone with you.   Imagine, some people will never change. They stay on that perpetual roller coaster going around and around, never getting off and never seeing a reason to.  You are being supported and are placed here in this earthly plane to learn, grow, change, and teach.   And hopefully, in the process, you help someone else make that transition to a better way of existing.   You become a shining example of what could be. 

One of the biggest lessons for me has been deciphering when to give to myself and when to give to others.   Time is something we cannot get back.   The past cannot be changed and the future is yours to design. Crave the acceptance of no one, be your own guide, and love you fearlessly.    Accept the changes that are taking place. I promise you, it is always for your highest good.

Peace Within

Lavidus

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Have You Ever Been Dickmatized? (Adult Content)

Have you ever been dickmatized?

I know you're thinking oh hell no! No, Not me! Well, if you have ever been in a relationship where the sex is immaculate and the man is not, then you have been dickmatized. He probably does not have a job, no education, no car, no real dreams or anything as such, but he can slang that 'D". So you put up with things that you normally would not because once he is inside you, you forget about all that other stuff that really should matter. Jill Scott said it best. "Where you get caught up in the whole sexuality of your relationship but it’s not going anywhere… Just somebody giving you the goods but not necessarily giving you the rest-or not expecting the rest from them."

Being dickmatized is nothing to be embarrassed about, it happens to the best of us. We as women have all fallen into some trap to make us believe that it will get better. We believe one day he will get a job or leave from off my couch or be able to take me out to dinner or sincerely care about me. Yes, that is that dick in action. It clouds our mental vision and creates an illusion of what we hope to be. It keeps us posted in that position until the next time he takes us to climax heaven. The tragedy comes in when we invest in the dick for the long term and even sometimes marry the dick. Ladies, that is something you never do. You find yourself letting the dick drive your car, and you buying it clothes, food, or even providing shelter for the dick. Let that dick go! If you are not ready to let the dick go and is finding it hard to say no, just think of your value and what you really want in a relationship. If you then find that all you need at this moment is some good dick, then have at it, break that mofo off! But do not invest more into it than it is investing in you.

There is no one that enjoys sex as much as I do, and having a healthy loving relationship where you are treated like a Queen and where love is reciprocated, is far more greater than just what a good dick can provide. Dick's come and go (literally). That is what they do, when you get tired of it, it will be more than happy to move on to the next.  That's just what it does, that's just how it is goes, enjoy it for what it is and you too can move on. Trust me it does get better, but only if you require it to. It may have been the best dick you ever had, so you think, but that dick is only as good as you are. Don't be desperate for the dick. You can not go around making dick demands when you have put up with it for so many years. The dick does not change. Besides, as a woman you hold the key, your va-jay-jay is way more powerful than his dick. (Those of you who do not know that I will explain later).

I am writing this because I too, had to let go of some good-ass dick. I can not even explain how sensational it was. For about 3 months it had complete power over me and I allowed it to happen. I found myself saying I love him when I really just loved the dick. It was crazy! How could this be happening, I know better than this! Then one day I just snapped out of it. I intentionally created a nice ambiance, bought some champagne and candles for my last romp with this dick, then I said farewell. Once it was gone, I regained my power. I accepted it for what it was and considered it to be a test. I could have accepted the dick and that half-ass man I was getting, but I needed more and those sexual sessions were not enough.

Now I am more prepared and ready to welcome a more fulfilling and realistic relationship. I have always been the monogamous type, and that good dick was just a sidebar. I have no regrets about my decision to have a relationship with some good dick. Every girl should have at least one. Just know when it's time to move on and let that good dick go and replace it with some good love.
 

Lavidus

Medium

Exactly Who You Are

I believe nothing happens by accident.  There are causes and there are effects.  Whatever you decide to put into action, beware of the consequences, because outcomes may vary.   Sometimes we try to control our lives and the people in them. We try to plan our lives according to how we think things should be. I now understand that we can plan, but also be prepared for the unexpected. 

In this life, we do not have all the control, but we can control ourselves and who we interact with. There will always be other energies working on the element of surprise, or deferring your best-laid plans.   When we plan to marry, but we can't find anyone. When we plan to save and can not. When we plan for that big promotion, but we never get it. When we want that relationship, but can’t seem to come together.  When you work hard and it seems you can never get to where you are going, do not be discouraged, be patient.  One of the challenges of life is accepting where you are and having the ability to continue on while everything you have tried has seemingly failed.  It takes strength, tenacity, belief in yourself, and an attitude adjustment.   It is also your opportunity to stand back take a look and readjust your perspective.   It is not for you to give up, but to keep at it.  Keep at whatever you believe in and not allow your circumstances make you a victim.  

My journey is still in progress.  My growth and healing is still taking place, but now I can see where I am going.   I was born into an environment of negativity.   I was surrounded by people filled with complaints, competition, envy, self-hatred, and the destruction of anything positive. Money rules their life and they'll do anything to get it.  It provides them a false sense of accomplishment when beneath it all is misery. It took me a long time to not become a part of what I was compelled to grow up in. To undo what I was indoctrinated to believe about myself and this world.  The violence, and the abuse I experienced growing up, led me straight to an abuser and an annulled marriage.  It was my lesson to learn and it was also the beginning of ending a generational cycle.

We are all destined for something.  It varies among us all because we do not live in a one-size fits all world.  There have been many who have become active participants in the dismantling of this world, but those who can "see" will help to keep it all together.  The fruit of life always looks so sweet, until we take a bite.  That bite is filled with despair, the unloved, hurt, pain, and numerous other nameless atrocities, but we chew it up and swallow it anyway.  We want to believe it gets better, and for some of us, it does. As soon as you decide you want better.    Once you step out of the world and into yourself, your vision changes and you become like a child discovering your adult self for the first time.

As I look at my life, I have had some disappointments, a few setbacks, and sometimes not even an encouraging word was heard.  Those experiences forced me to become my own motivator and not look for anything outside of myself because everything I need has always been in me. I educated myself, and then acknowledged and accepted my suppressed gifts.  This path is mine to walk and to do as I please.  We all have that right, so do not let anyone dim your light.  You have every right to shine and blind people in the process. 

 I appreciate all of you who listen to my podcast and read my books, especially those in foreign countries.  Although, I have been shadowbanned on most outlets, copied and my intellectual property infringed upon, you will never be me.   There are circumstances that I won't even mention because it's so ridiculous it is no longer worth my attention, and besides it is all being taken care of as I speak. I want to you to know that your power is in you, and do not wait on someone else to validate it.   I want you to know that if you woke up today, you are already a success.  You have nothing to prove to anyone and you do not owe anyone an explanation on how you live your life.  It is ok to not fit into this upside-down world that honors deception, lies, and despises the truth. The people that fit in, are giving up their identity to a society that doesn't even care.  Create your own eutopia, bask in your uniqueness, and fall in love with being exactly who you are. 

Peace Within

Lavidus

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Why I Left Corporate America

On September 11, 2001, my relationship with corporate America changed forever.  It should have happened sooner, but that was the tower I needed in order to see the disarray I had been clouded by.  Like many Americans and others alike, I was taught to get an education, go to work, get married, you know the routine.  Since I had already had an annulled marriage and had only completed three years of college, I believed I still had a chance to nail it on the playing field of corporate America. 

I landed a job working for a large property management company.  I was elated to have the job and planned on being there until I retired.  I started out as a customer specialist and within five years I had my third promotion and was working as a project coordinator handling large accounts and supporting the project management team.  I loved my job and I loved the people I worked with.  My ambition was supported and I wanted to go further so I choose a mentor within the company. The mentor I choose was a woman who was the Vice-President of our region.   She was the only woman in her position.  I admired her and I wanted to know how she got there.  She was not the mentor I expected.  She made it a habit of crushing my self-esteem.  She ridiculed me, pointed out all my flaws, and told me in order to be successful I needed to go back to college and get a degree.  Did she not know that I had received three promotions, received several awards, and several Starbucks gift cards and that was not considered a success?  During our meetings, she boasted about her sons, husband, and the vacations they would take.  She would later make the decision to lay me off without even a notice.

I took her advice and went back to college. I worked full-time and went to school at night or whenever I could. It took me almost six years to complete one year of college, but I did it.  I received my bachelor's degree in Organizational Leadership from Chapman University.   I decided to not go back to the project management arena and to work in human resources instead. My first job was as a human resources assistant and my last job was as a human resources manager.  Throughout my career in human resources, I learned that when that asset manager was sending me emails telling me he liked my ass, that was sexual harassment.  When one of my managers would make it a point to tell me how to hold a fork during a business lunch, that was bullying.   I learned to recognize toxic behavior and address it properly.   But after several years of dealing with sexual harassment not only from men but women as well, and solving the problems of immature employees, I longed for something more challenging, engaging, and fulfilling.    

After being labeled and obsessed over in a corporate environment, you learn how to recognize the energy that people can bring in any environment.  Eventually, I determined that a decision has to be made.  Is it worth your mental health?  Is your physical health worth it?  Do I see myself working twenty years dealing with all these projections that hit like bullets?  I said no, and I became the writer, which I have always been and loved.  I've had a journal since I was in the 5th grade.  I did not want to look back on my life and have the majority of it look like work and no play.  Life is a vacation and work should be play. I tapped into my creative side and I haven't looked back. 

The journey of a creative person is not easy.  Being a small business owner is not easy at all; but it is worth the peace and the gratification of a finished project that you put your heart into.  So when I say I appreciate all of your support I do.  I appreciate every single share, subscribe, repost, every donation big or small, it all keeps me going.   I have people who listen to my podcast a hundred times but never "like" it or give it a review.  Then there are those who watch my videos a thousand times but never share them. What's important to me is that you see them and that you are listening so, I appreciate you too. 

Peace Within

Lavidus

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