I have been in love and have been hurt by that same person. I was in love with a man who could not see me. We looked nice holding hands and he looked nice by being seen with me. The sex was blinding, mystical and helped me go further down into the darkness. He used to always tell me that "People who think highly of you, don't know you." I did not know at the time, but that was his way of telling me what he thought of me. He was basically a bum, a science project. I was listening to his words, but not hearing them. He was jealous, controlling and I loved him.
When you are in love with someone, you only see what you want to see. You hope for the best. You want that person to love you, so you do things to show that you love them. My intent to show him that he could trust me and that it was ok to love me was fatal mistake number one. I was a lamb in his wolf's world. There is nothing worse than loving someone who see's no value in you or themselves. We not only come with baggage from our previous relationship but what our parents gave us. He was a broken man, so he lived to discredit me and make me look like a fool for entertaining him in the first place. I had always dealt with men who were honest, sincere and who knew how to treat a woman. When I meet him, I was baffled by his view on life and women, he had bad luck with both. I thought he was an easy fix and a solid distraction. I believed that eventually, he would be his best, but that never happened. Mistake number two, falling in love with potential.
There were things that brought us together, like being raised by one parent, while not really knowing the other. My father was missing and the two step-fathers that were in my life, only showed me what I did not want. I saw many things in my life that formed my opinion of men and women who put other people before them in the name of love. Yet, I was still willing to be open to love, have love, because I craved it, without really knowing what it was. I had also forgotten one crucial element to any relationship and that is to love myself. Once I started that journey of self-love. I started to see this man, for who and what he really was. We can only be deceived if we refuse to see what we need to. The signs are always there, the universe always protects and gives us warnings before the final tower moment. The moment that shakes us to the core, so much so that we are forced to change, forced to consult the higher self to become a better, lover, mother, friend, wife, husband. If you are around people that experience constant bad luck and drama, its because they are refusing to change.
That man was brought into my life to help me have standards and create boundaries. I was the kind of woman, who had been in a previous long-term relationship with a man who told me the truth. He loved me with everything he had and I loved him. His actions confirmed what he was feeling and his promises were never broken. When he passed, I thought that all men, were men, and sadly that is not the case. That guy was there to help show me what I needed to change. Sometimes we have to thank people when shit doesn't work out. Cry about it for a second or two, then get back up and say thank you, motherfuckah! Adios!
I am not sure of what that X is doing these days. It's been many years since I left for the final time. I completely let go and wished him the best. The woman that I have become, is the woman that he thought he couldn't have in the first place. The temporary pain eventually subsides and if you are able to complete the challenge by not revisiting a toxic relationship, the reward is moving to the next level.. There are levels to this shit. Dimensions, yet to be explored. Do not settle for comfort, what's familiar, or believe you can't do better, because you can. You must take the time to do the necessary work on yourself, or you will repeat the cycle until the lesson is learned; the universe is generous that way. It will be lessons after lessons, with different faces until you get it.
I always thought I knew everything about love, but it wasn't until I put that love energy into myself that has given me the greatest satisfaction. It draws the right people in and keeps the wrong people away. When you lack nothing and become whole with oneself, there is nothing or no one that can make you see yourself differently. Love yourself so tough, that you could care less what people think. Their thoughts are not your business. Love fearlessly, be kind and live in the moment. Every day is another chance to get it right.
Love and More Love
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