One Woman These Men (Man #2) Fall 2017

Malachi could have been a womans dream if he could just get his shit together.  He would have these job's and then after a few paychecks he would disappear.  He had a temper that he could not control, but he loved life and I loved being with him.  He never asked for much and all he wanted was to be with someone who could accept him as he is.  Which was a bit much considering  he had over seven kids and five baby mama's, none of which he made no attempt to marry.  Those facts alone would make any woman think twice about being serious with this man.  He was a fun guy that sold you a believable fantasy, topped with unbelievable sex.   When you wake up, you realize that it was all a dream and all you have is a real baby to show for it.  It worked for five women and who knows how many others. But too bad for them, those are issues I will never have.   I had  no intention of creating a life with Malachi.   So you can understand when I say when he disappeared I didn't mind, he was not my man.  When he appeared he came with flowers and a good time.

We meet one evening after I had just finished listening to one of  the longest depositions in my life. I was ready to have a drink and relax for the evening. I just walked to the nearest bar  I could find.  There is always this unspoken vibe that when a woman walks into a bar alone, she is either there to pick up a man, meet someone, or lonely.   Today, I didnt give a shit about opinions, I just needed a drink.  I sat at the bar, ordered a sidecar.  Yes, it was that kind of day.   I started to think of my husband who was doing all this time and how I was spending my time.  I wanted to feel guilty, but I didn't.  I wanted to let him know that he no longer controlled my every move and that I was living out every fantasy without him.  I wished he knew me better, I wished I showed him more of me.  The more of me that was a lot like him.  In mid-thought I was interrupted by a deep voice, a voice that left me almost speechless.

"May I sit down?"

"Yes".  As I looked over my shoulder, this man was very handsome.  He had these incredible green eyes, that was surrounded by his mocha skin.  His beard was unkept and rugged.   His clothes were well put together, not the white t-shirt and shit that most men that approach me have on.  He was nice and appealing.  He asked me a lot of questions, some which I lied about some which I told the truth.  Are you single?  Yes.  Are you married? No.  Are you looking?  Well, of course.  I thought I could always use a man to play with and to take up some of my time every now and then.  Are you available?   The more alcohol we shared the more he opened up about the complexity of women, his children etc.  Shit I didn't care about.  Solve your issues before you get to me, I am not a therapist.  I listened anyway, as I wondered what it would be like to sleep with him.  I wondered how he used his hands, if he was a good lover or just a fucker.  I wanted to know, but somethinng was telling me to take it slow and see what happens.  I already had two toys in my box, did I need a third?

It's been over a year and we still see each other every now and then,  He will be in town this weekend.  I am not sure why I have kept him around.  There is something special about his company, he made me laugh. The sex was nice. He knew how to please.  It was like a new relationship each time, and each time I would pretend that he was a new guy.  We were a secret, and we had to get it all in on one take.  Some of it was true, but he knew nothing about me.   I painted the picture of a lonely lawyer, too busy to establish a real relationship and he was my knight in shining armour, or something like that.  What mattered was we really enjoyed our time together. And then he would be gone again. Hopeless, but convenient.

I knew all he wanted was an affair......but I had to refer him back to his wife.

I don't know where to begin with this story of a chapter of my life that did not become significant until now.  This isn't a story about how many married men have approached me with the offer of an exclusive affair, or the offer of diamonds, trips and unlimited access to their black card.  That's a life I could have chose, but something else was in the making.  It has never really been about the men, it has always been about me. This is a story about how the life of a mistress was presented to me on several occasions and I made a choice each time to never be the other woman.  The choice that I have always made, but this time it made me realize my purpose.

I am a beautiful woman. Intelligent. Successful in my own right and have dealt with many obstacles in my life.  I am a mother, who would sacrifice my life for my girls, because God choose me to be their mother.  I can't say that I  have always chose the best man, but he was what I wanted at that time.  I am not the type to say "single by choice" because if my boaz was to present himself, I would marry him tomorrow.  There were some things I needed to learn and get over about being a woman who is visually appealing.  Which brings me to married men, I seem to have been their target throughout my life.

From my experience you have two kinds, the kind that does not tell you he's married, which is usually the one that has been married for a while, got married for the wrong reasons and now the fizz has gone and it seems easier to have an affair than to leave.  And then there's the kind that tells you right away.  I am married, but..... He usually has already had several affairs, been busted a few times, knows his wife ain't going any where and still wants to find someone who will fit what he is looking for. I have heard every excuse possible as to why they need this extra-marital affair; the sex life is gone, I don't feel the same, she doesn't pay attention to me, we've grown apart, she only loves the kids, she let herself go, I am not attracted to her anymore and the list goes on.  All of which if I was a woman who needed to be justified by a married man those excuses would suffice.  Oh you want me? You are choosing me to make up for what your wife doesn't have?  That makes me better than her right?..blah blah  blah.
Married men are so charming and confident, what do they have to lose if you say no? Now, some women would feel special that a married a man would be choosing them to fill the spot for his wife, but not me.  I will never wear second best on my shirt. And at the rate that I am seeing very few examples of faithful married men in my life, I refuse to become an second option to anyone.  I have tried being friends, but that's not ok.  I tried just listening to their problems, but that has not always been ok.  It wasn't until I started to give advice, that I started to realize what my purpose was.   It was not until I started to tell them to remember that you have a wife. Remember that you married her and whatever you are going through right now will pass.  In a weird way, I became a therapist to the venting men that were unhappy in their marriages.  Sorry, we can not have sex and I suggest you communicate with your wife.  The response has been either they disappear or they continue to get advice.  I am not going to say that I saved some marriages, I am really not sure about that.  But, I will say that by referring them back to where they came from, I am preparing myself for what is coming for me.   Karma is real.

I love deep. My heart would not be able to stand an affair in a marriage, outside kids, a mistress or any of that.  There are women who survive years of being an mistress.  Year's of knowing that she is the after thought of a man who is dedicated to his wife.  Dedicated because he has not left her.  I also know that it is very difficult to be monogamous with one person.  I have my own desires, I have my attractions and God knows that if I was able to succumb to my desires, the satisfaction would only be for a moment.  That is just a small piece of what this life is all about.  There comes a time when you just want one person that you can give it all to.  One person who you can let it all show and have them still love you.  A best-friend, confidant, lover.  It's possible, so when you marry that person,  you make that vow, honour it!  A man who finds a wife, finds a good thing. Right?  At least that's what they say.

Love her, take care of that good thing.   Don't get so caught up in a moment of change.  Relationships change because people do, and if you have something that is worth holding on to, go kiss her right now.  Hold her and love on her, because if you are married and you run across a woman like me, that is who I will refer you to.

Keep Love Alive!

Fast Forward Fast...And back Again!

I can not believe that I have let so much time pass without writing on my blog.  If you read my blog, you will find that I often have those moments where I am just MIA, and I know I am not the only one.  Have you noticed what the planet's have been doing lately? Retrograde, direct and squaring off.  The world has been bananas, but guess what, it has all been worth it.  The fight, the disappointments, the courage,  the tears, the explotions, the pain and ultimately the change.   That's right, good ole' change.  The never ending life happenstance that occurs in all of our lives.

The level of change is so dynamic within all of our lives that we sometimes do not have the chance to feel it.  If there is a time when you need to make a drastic change, or see your life as it is and get rid of anything that is no longer working, now is the time.  Some of you may have already expereinced this change.  Some of you may already be living out the next level of what could be the begining of your greatest life yet.  Other's not so much.  They may even be those who are still fighting the fight.  Still trying to control "what" happens.  Let me save you the trouble and just tell you; YOU have no control, so relax.  The only thing, if anything, you will accomplish is restricting your growth and causing more pain.  Let it go, my darling, the other side just may be easier and even more beautiful.

Yes, there is more to this.  There is something that we must all come to realize in order for it to be accomplished.  You and I are not just existing on this earth just to fill space.  We all have a purpose. A divine purpose.   If you were able to know what that was at an young age, that is great.  This is more for those who are still trying to figure it all out.   Still trying to fill that space.  That space is you, it all begins with you. There is still time, as a matter if fact, there is no time.  Everything happens in divine order, and when your energy shifts and becomes ready, you will  know.   Decide now that the time is now.  Take a chance on making whatever your dream is come true.  Decide what you want in life and go after it.  Once you make the first move, the univers will gladly assist you along the way.  You will start to manifest what it is that you truly desire from this wonderful gift we have.  The gift that is given at birth and how we use it is our gift back to the universe.

So, are you ready?  Do not think about time, think about being better than yesterday.  Think about how great you are.  Take the time to feel what it is like to have everything you want.  Envision that awesome career, or business you want, the love of your life or even a current situation that you do not have the answer to being completely solved.   Right now you have everything you need to get there.


Peace, Love and Happiness :)

LLW

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He Said...."I can't even get a date..Women on Women"

I had the pleasure of hanging out with some of my girlfriends over the weekend.  I barely get a chance to have these weekends because we all have our families, job's and everyday life and when you look up to take a breath, 6 months, a year or even two years or more have passed by.  So I jumped at the opportunity for us to all get together.

It was major traffic over the weekend , so I headed out early to get a jump on the madness.  Once I got to the restaurant, it was only about 4 or 5 people there,  two couples and a man sitting at the bar.  As I waited for my friends, I sat at the bar.  And as usual I started to check out the people that were there.  The couple across from me was an middle aged couple, it seemed as if they had been together for a while.  The man at the bar was an older and alone, maybe in his late 50's or 60's. And there was couple in the back who were not engaging each other, so this was either a first date or a date to figure some shit out, somebody was in trouble.  Shortly after, my friends all started to trickle in.  It was very hot in the restaurant, so we all decided to sit outside.  As we were passing the older man, he says, "That's the reason I can't get a date, all women are dating each other".   We all kept on walking because we knew he was not talking about us.  But as we gathered outside we noticed the couple and him looking at us, assuming we were all lesbians.  The thought made me laugh, but it also made me think of the state of some men, even at his age.  I wanted to go back in there and tell him that at your age, you are probably not getting dates because you are an asshole.  In your earlier life you probably saw women as some expendable accessory that you did not care much for, and karma is paying you back by having you sit here lonely at this damn bar.  But, I digressed and enjoyed my evening instead.

Not all women who sit together and talk about our lives are lesbians.  I love my girls, but I do not spend everyday on the phone with them, see them all the time or even go out with them all the time. There was a time where we would be all looking forward to the weekend to get dressed, go out and seek some boys to play with, clubbing, bar hopping or whatever, but that time has passed and the days spent thinking about the next event is far and few in between.  Now, we talk about our next business plan, serving the community, share stories of being a mom or wife.  And if I did have a friend who was a lesbian, we would talk about her life too.  None of which is the contributing factor as to why you are close to being a senior citizen and have no date.  That may have more to do with the energy you are sending out.  Blaming external things, the most visible and obvious beings on your short comings, is you not having accountability for your life. Now, I see why you are single, and a lot more men may just be heading your way.

I also thought about all the men that even at this age, spend a lot of their time with their homeboys, instead of pursuing a woman.  Isn't it the men who have the saying Bro's before hoe's, what does that really mean? You love your homies more than the company of a woman?  When you treat a woman as if she doesn't matter, when you really want one, it won't matter.  The fact of the matter is everyone wants to be loved, feel validated for their being.  But it's the age old saying everything begins and ends with you.  You can not expect a woman to be all that you deserve, when you are not what she deserves.  There is no fooling the energy you create, the truth has no shield and will always prevail in  matters of the heart.  So, if you find yourself a middle aged man or older, sitting at a bar, wondering why you can not get a date, think about how you have treated the one thing you desire the most.

Peace & Love

LLW

Mental Illness...... The Big Secret

How many people do you know with mental illness?

There may be more people than you think.  There are over 60 million people dealing with some kind of mental  illness whether it's bipolar depression, schizophrenia, panic disorders, obsessive-compulsive disorder and many others.  One of the most complex things about a person who is suffering with mental illness is that they more than likely never seek treatment for it and they are experts at hiding it.

When a person with mental illness reaches the breaking point, it is always a surprise to those around them because they hide it so well.  You will find a student who decides to shoot up a movie theater or go on a stabbing spree.  You will find fashion designer L'Wren Scott, Karyn Washington (founder of For Brown Girls) and Lee Thompson Young (actor)  all who committed suicide.  From the outside world those people tend to be living healthy, happy lives, the appearance of what they perceive is expected and accepted.  They are overly happy, overly accommodating, pretends to have knowledge about everything, over talks and over compensates.  The other extreme would be someone who was an extreme introvert, not social, no friends, a loner, then something triggers in their mental state, and they become desperate to change their situation and the solution is to either harm themselves and/or others.  There are some that have lived so well with the disease that they do not believe that anything is wrong, until their last move, becomes their final one.

There are mental illness' that pose a genetic risk.  If you grow up in a home with a parent who has a mental illness and never seeks treatment, then there's the possibility that there will be children that grow up with mental disease and never seek treatment, it creates a cycle.   A psychologist can determine the kind of mental illness a person has by evaluating their mental state and their ability to function in society.  Their history and their life exposure play an intricate part in determining the best solution. However, how many times have you heard a psychologist say that even with all of their sessions with a patient,  they almost never can predict when a person may self-destruct and decide to hurt themselves or others.  They never see that coming, and my question is why?

When a person decides to see a psychologist or a mental health expert, it should be a requirement to scan the brain to see its current state.  There has to be some kind of element that appears in the brain that would alert a psychologist that this person may be reaching their breaking point and when that breaking point is likely is to happen.  There has to be something in the brain that triggers an alarm that manifests the decision to self-destruct.

The brain is a very complex part of our body it is the energy that fuels us, the power tool that allows us to imagine what we want and catalyst to bring it all to life.  It's one of the most beautiful things about our brain, our imagination, it's pure energy.  If we can predict the outcome of a brain that may already be malfunctioning, we can further understand how to better cope and deal with mental illness.

There are too many homeless people with mental disease, too many children, too many of our veterans, just too many people who are suffering for it not to be further investigated.  I am not a doctor, but it is quite discerning to hear about deaths of people who have a disease that supposedly can be managed and treated.  Let's try to lessen the stigma associated with mental illness, people are afraid to come out the closet and admit that there may be something wrong.   You are not alone.

Peace & Love