It's been A long time......and I may never come back

I always tend to find it amazing when the course of life changes so much and so fast that when you wake up and realize what road you're on it's too late, the crash is already in progress. What can you do? Do you hope that you survive or do you hope death is the final answer to life's unexpected questions.
I know that I am not living the life that I want, but only I can change that. When you are unstable and think you have it almost together then boom! It's all over, something else appears. Something that makes you want to give up on life altogether. Something that can only hinder you in the long run. It is such an unfamiliar place that you go over in your head how you arrived at this location in the first place. You're smarter than that. You have convinced yourself that this is the right choice even though you have no idea what you have chosen. When the mask starts to peel away, you find that you've made a serious mistake. One that can not be recovered,one that you may never recover from. Even God is looking at you in dismay.
So the tears continue because the truth was never told. You're still trying to make it right, but you know deep inside there is no room for hope, so you die slowly. I never ask why. I know why. Somewhere at sometime the universe decided that I needed and wanted this. That I will never get the life I so really want because the devil works overtime on those who try to get from under the blanket of fate. So the fear sets in. You call it happiness, because that's what you want to see, when the real is that you are miserable and everything you touch will be. So another battle I fight and I anticipate the sleepless nights, because there is no answer for those who never know what real life is. Lies,lies, the lies, they have to continue because you bought the first one. But I know better right? Of course I do, so now I must put it all to an end, what other choice do I have? You can't love a species that's never been loved, not even from the womb. What you live by is what you die by. There is no happy ending for those who cause heartache and pain. I was chosen because I looked the part. Easy prey because I have an heart. A dream stealer because it has no dreams of it's own. So again I must stand up, fight my own battle, be my own hero and save my own life, because all around me are my enemies, no one to help or set me free.


Peace.